Back to the Mat

Pain in the Ass

2011-12-06T11:21:00.002-05:00

My left hip/butt has been ~~excruciatingly painful~~bothering me for a few months now. I should get it checked out. Of course I know I should get it checked out. But seeing my primary doc, to get a referral to the higher-copay ortho doc, to get an MRI scheduled, to be prescribed physical therapy that I can't afford, seemed like a very expensive rabbit hole (which under normal circumstances would be a stretch, but I'm on the hook for $500 of a big car repair, so, yikes ~~[fucking deer fucking running into me]~~). My leg isn't falling off, and I'm not even taking Advil or Aleve most days, so I've been fine with just sucking it up.

Until!

Today, the super lovely Josie posted on FB this article, "A Common Cause of Low Back and Sciatic Pain — The Piriformis." Through some web-sleuthing, I'd become pretty sure that the culprit was my insanely tight piriformis, but all the stretching in the world hadn't been helping, just making the pain worse (which is can be pretty characteristic of fibromyalgia, but that could be another post entirely).

The article discusses trigger point therapy and self-myofascial release, even backing up (in the comments section) the idea that stretching is not helpful until the trigger point is released. This is sort of groundbreaking for me to hear.

Doing the work with the foam roller and a tennis ball will be hard; it will be painful. I am notoriously bad at following through on commitments to do anything for more than a week; the writer recommends starting with two weeks of daily work. But it's the least (and least-expensive thing!) I can do for myself to try to bust up the knots that have so negatively affected my quality of life the past few months, specifically.

Perseverance has never been a strong suit of mine, but now's as good a time as any to work on that. I can't wait to get home tonight to sit on a tennis ball.

A little horn-tooting

2011-10-07T09:49:00.004-04:00

Last night after the 7:30 class with KTO, an intermittent student gave me (I think) a huge compliment.

"How many classes do you take per day?"

I gotta say, I swooned a bit. After a class that started out with a lot of wobbles, I did find some strength (and KTO noticed, too). It felt pretty good to know that a few of my postures are lookin' good.

My practice has been so all over the place (especially since February, when I busted my knee), as has my mind. I have something like 27 posts in draft version here. As work winds down in November, I hope to get back to blogging on a fairly regular basis. I miss our conversations!

Take a breather

2011-04-08T09:38:00.004-04:00

This is one posture that makes me grumble.

I think I coined my new favorite Bikramism last night:

"If you're laughing, you're breathing."

The 7:30 pm class had four new people, and they (mostly) did great. (And by that I mean three out of the four had great attitudes. The one who walked in with an "I can do everything" vibe left the room halfway through and left the studio altogether, against the teacher's directives. Frustrating.) The girl who ate pasta an hour before class didn't throw up; I'd consider that a victory these days.

One woman, this tiny, spunky smoker, had had a nervous laugh-snort out in the lobby as I was giving them the new-student rundown. She ended up behind me in the studio, so I felt like I had to be a good example.

She did great with all of the things newbies usually have trouble with—hands to feet, grip in standing bow, staying still... I fell out of a couple of postures and was sort of grumbling to myself when she caught my eye. A bit of a giggle-fest ensued. She did the snort-laugh thing again. How could I not crack up?

I don't want to be a class clown, but I also want new students to know that it's ok—hell, even encouraged—to have fun in there. We were "debriefing" after class, seeing how the new students felt, and talked about the frequency of fainting (I haven't seen it myself, but I have very nearly done it). All the time, we hear, "As long as you keep breathing, blah blah blah." Talking with the snorter, I said, "As long as you're laughing, you're breathing."

At least for me, this one's a keeper, and a reminder to not take ~~every posture~~ myself too seriously.

Anniver-se-rary

2011-03-18T13:02:00.005-04:00

I searched flickr for "gratitude," and this came up. fitting!
image via eekim / flickr

Just a quick shout-out and gigantic "Thank you" to the Bikram bloggers and everyone else who has commented here over the past year-plus.

Today marks the one-year anniversary of starting the work-study program at my New York studio, and although it by definition will never be the same as my first, original, home, home-away-from-home studio, it is what I have now, and I am incredibly grateful for it.

I can say with 100 percent certainty that if it weren't for this Bikram blogging community, I would never have had the courage or motivation to ask for work-study at this studio. It's at least 40 minutes from my home. I wasn't a regular student there (I'd been about three times in two years). I have had tons of drama with my car. And yet, the studio owner trusted me.

Last night, she expressed surprise that a work-study student had been "at it" for a year. I am not exactly sure what she meant by that, but over the past year, I've seen four or five people sign up for the program only to drop out a month later. I'm sure there are a host of reasons that happens. But when she seemed surprised, with a dash of being impressed, that I was still going strong, I myself was surprised. Not holding up my end of the bargain — cleaning and folding towels and signing people in and reassuring newbies — was never an option. Not practicing was never an option.

But I never would have started down that path, a path that has lead in many ways to the fulfillment of this blog's name, without my friends in the computer. Thanks, friends!

Australian news article on Rajashree

2011-01-26T10:07:00.004-05:00

(Click on the page, then click on the little magnifying-glass-thingy to enlarge. Or, original is here but who knows when they'll take it down.)

Thanks to @jimwehmeyer on Twitter for sharing this, and Rachel at Alive in the Fire for retweeting it.

I'd so wanted to go to Rajashree's seminar at Kripalu last weekend, but it was just too expensive for me. Everything I've heard about her leads me to believe it would be amazing just to be in her presence, and try to soak up drops of her wisdom, and compassion. Been feeling like I could use some of those lately.

Hope everyone's doing well, and staying warm!

"They are themselves. They are so good."

2011-01-14T11:40:00.002-05:00

via davedash / flickr

“We don’t have to run away from this world. We don’t have to feel harsh and deprived. We can contribute a lot to the world, and we can raise ourselves up in this world. We should feel so good. This world is the best world. If you drive into the mountains, you may see the mountain deer. They are so well groomed, although they don’t live on a farm. They have tremendous head and shoulders, and their horns are so beautiful. The birds who land on your porch are also well groomed, because they are not conditioned by ordinary conditionality. They are themselves. They are so good. Look at the sun. The sun is shining. Nobody polishes the sun. The sun just shines. Look at the moon, the sky, the world at its best.”

- Adapted from Chögyam Trungpa’s book, Great Eastern Sun, by way of Ocean of Dharma (by way of Yum & Yuk)

Well, I tried.

2011-01-06T10:27:00.006-05:00

I'm not big on New Year's resolutions, really. It comes down to knowing myself, and I know that I'm a total flake. I desperately want to prove to myself that I have the discipline to do (or not do) X, but then I pretty much inevitably don't do (or do) X.

E.g: Do 30 straight days of yoga (well, I did do that once, but life was so different then). Don't bite my nails. Do walk to work instead of taking the subway unless weather is totally heinous. Don't eat crap. (I originally typed "carp," which I haven't eaten - success comes in mysterious ways!)

When I started the work-study program at my studio in March or April, the cleaning days assigned to me were Thursday and Saturday. Since then, I have rarely missed a single Thursday or one weekend day (I switched to Sundays) of practicing at the studio. I cleaned early one Saturday morning in June before driving five hours to Cape Cod with my dad, but I didn't take class. More recently, with my car's increasingly frequent freak-outs, I've corralled my fantastic boyfriend into driving me down to the studio. (I'd just take his car if I could drive a stick. But this way he helps me clean, too!) I missed both days when I went to San Diego at the beginning of November, but I took one class (at training, woot!!) while I was there.

So, for almost a year, I've been taking two classes a week, pretty consistently. (My home practice has become almost nonexistent since 1. buying a house, and 2. getting a second dog.) I'd like to step it up, but I feel like planning to practice every day is just an easy way to set myself up for disappointment. Another idea had been percolating for a while; I decided last month to add in one home practice a week (ideally on Tuesdays or Wednesdays to balance out the Thurs./Sun.).

My first attempt was yesterday, when I stayed home sick from work. It went something like this:
Give bones to Leo (2) and Lucy (10 months).
Try to keep dogs off rug long enough to roll out mat.
Roll out mat.
Separate dogs, who are fighting for the "good" bone (?).
Remove Lucy from mat.
Press "play" on iTunes Bikram class.
Start pranayama breathing.
Transcend these odd barky noises.
On fifth breath, throw bone into kitchen so Lucy will leave me alone.
Transcend, transcend, transcend.
In forward bend, untangle (my) hair from Lucy's mouth.
In through the nose. Out through the nose. I am the perfect picture of peace.
Balance tested severely during standing head to knee, when Lucy walks underneath my picked-up foot.
Fall out five times, get back in six times.
Apologize profusely to Leo for kicking him in the ribs while stepping out for triangle. (He shouldn't have been on the damn mat!)

I got as far as standing separate leg forehead to knee. Working that pose, this is what I saw:

Leo's tail is the blur. I think he was trying to get the "good" bone away from Lucy (on the floor). On the other hand, this is how they play, constantly.

At that point, I gave up on trying to practice and chased them around the 20-degree backyard for a long time.

Chalk it up as a learning experience: Now I know that home practice goes much, much more smoothly when the boyfriend can distract/deal with the dogs. The hiccup there is that he's spending hours every night, post-dinner, studying for architecture exams. It shouldn't be a big deal to ask him to *not* study one night a week. Right?

I might have to get the dogs their own mats. Lucy would look great in Shakti.

Be moderate in everything, including moderation.*

2011-01-04T10:35:00.010-05:00

*Horace Porter, 1837-1921

Gorgeous shot via Gregg Le Blanc / flickr

Yoga for Hangovers

This New York Times Wellness blog entry is harmless, but some of the comments on it have gotten me a little steamed. Some of the same people who define (their style, natch, of) yoga as one glorious thing go on to define alcohol drinking as one awful thing, when it seems so obvious to me that people can only speak to their own experience. Yet that caveat is never included in the comment.

Maybe my hackles are residually raised from my time in Utah, and I'm still hypersensitive to all-or-nothing, us-vs.-them claims. Or maybe my perspective on this has come from being in the Bikram community and exploring its place in the larger yoga world... It's so often under attack; it's not "real yoga," according to someone(s) who've declared themselves deciders for the rest of us. That judgment, that sense of superiority that makes it OK to judge, really bothers me.

And maybe oddly, the same goes for comments like this one:
The purpose of drinking is to numb oneself to life’s challenges, forget your troubles, lower ones [sic] inhibitions, and enable oneself to have a good time, It requires no work or effort. It has the potential for bringing short term bliss and longer term misery, unpleasant recuperation, and long term physical harm.

It's simply not true across the board. No doubt there are people for whom numbing and forgetting is the purpose of imbibing (in fact, I dated one of those people; it was terrible). But there are many, many more people for whom some alcohol is healthily integrated into daily life. As far as the commenter's claim about alcohol consumption bringing "long[-]term physical harm," well, he or she must not have heard any of the science linking red wine with heart health. And that's just the tip of the iceberg...

It may seem like someone who gets so amped up about this must be on the defensive, must have some deep personal attachment to drinking (or insert any vice here). But I'm not, and I don't. Yes, I work at a wine magazine and on some level, surely have a vested interest in people continuing to consume alcohol. Yes, I really like the taste of beer (IPAs, mostly). I'd guess that I drink four times a week, including a glass of wine with dinner some nights. But if for some reason I had to stop ingesting any alcohol right now, I'd be fine. It's the principle here, people.

I just looked up quotes about moderation, looking to cite this post's title, and it was funny how many of them, across cultures, related to "the drink." I particularly liked this one:
It is better to rise from life as from a banquet - neither thirsty nor drunken. ~Aristotle

So go and take part in that banquet, and enjoy its bounty, and rise from life knowing, reveling, in that fine place of balance we've worked so hard to create.

And for Pete's sake, can we stop the obsession with defining what's correct for everyone??

(Grrrr. There are so many things I've wanted to blog about in the past month; it feels a shame to start with this one. And so ineloquently, too. Harrumph.)

But I don't know the secret handshake!

2010-12-03T16:54:00.002-05:00

My studio's owners are hosting Diane Ducharme tomorrow for a teachers-only posture clinic at their Bronx studio. I asked the owner if she needed any help setting things up, taking them down, signing people in, whatever. I just wanted to be humbled in the presence of greatness (not just Diane, but *all* of the awesome teachers that'll be there). She said she'd get back to me, I think. That was well over a month ago.

So last Sunday, during my regular work-study shift, the owner's husband asks if I can work Saturday instead this week, so the teacher can go straight to the seminar after the morning classes.

And then he said when I finished cleaning, I could come down to the other studio and join the teachers-only posture clinic.

May tomorrow evening's class with Diane be better than my last class with Diane, aka "The class where I almost died." (That class, by the way, has since been surpassed as worst class ever. Gonna have to write about that one of these days.)

I'm so excited (and I may even pull a double tomorrow)!

The perils of a desk job, and long commute, and sleeping in a ball, and not practicing yoga enough:

2010-12-02T16:22:00.004-05:00

I still don't know which one it is that hurts.
(Upper-leg graphic via via CompFitness.com)

Well, one of the perils, anyway, is that your hip flexors will shorten. Sorta like wearing spike heels all the time can shorten the Achilles tendon.

I practiced yoga at the studio on Sunday and went to the chiropractor Monday, where she worked on my left hip a little bit. My left shoulder was achy, like usual, after I left and on into Tuesday. What surprised me Tuesday was an ache in my upper left leg, near the [insert technical/anatomical name here] crease. (It's true; all of the issues in my tissues are on the left side.)

I figured I'd slept funny. Meh. I did some lunge-type stretching at my desk when I got to work. It was still bugging me Wednesday morning, and I figured I might have aggravated it with the previous stretching. Smart girl that I am, I walked 1.66 miles while running errands on my lunch. Wake up this morning (Thursday) and it hurts so badly that I briefly consider calling in sick.

But who calls in sick with a hurt hip?? I popped a bunch (OK, just 800 mg) of Advil and came on my merry way to work. It took the edge off, for a while. I took 600 mg about two hours ago. And I've had a heating pad on it most of the day.

(It occurs to me that the heating pad is doing exactly what I took the Advil to prevent - increasing blood flow to the area. Ice probably would have been a better bet. But it's coooooold!)

So I'm debating whether to take class tonight or not. I mean, it hurts to walk (but only because my default stride is a long stride, I think). I've been trying to take these goofy, short little steps while walking around the office today, and it doesn't hurt too bad. But how does one take class in a way that doesn't stretch the hip and front of the thigh? There's definitely a pulled muscle, and it's not at the "Just give it a gentle stretch and see how it feels" stage, not yet.

Guess I'll work on my shoulders, and forward bends. YAY. (Can you hear the sarcasm, people?)

So far, my only real experience taking class while injured has been with back problems. I've never had a front problem... How do you take class with an injury?

xoxo
:)

apologies for being out of touch

2010-11-29T18:15:00.000-05:00

I'm cross-posting this from Facebook, because it applies to my blog buddies, too:

Howdy all,
This is for anyone who's messaged me, posted on my wall, sent me a text or email, or called over the past six (at least) months, and hasn't gotten a response... It's important to me to be a good friend; unfortunately I haven't acted accordingly.

I have no excuse, but here's an attempt to explain:

My friends mean the world to me, so when it comes to correspondence, I want to write something thoughtful. But then I wait until I have enough time to write something thoughtful. And it's like that saying goes: If you wait until you feel you have enough X (in my case, time), you'll never do Y. (And although I have time on my commute, my thumbs lack the fortitude to type anything of consequence on my Blackberry.)

So - I am so incredibly sorry for what may have seemed like a blow-off. I'm going to catch up on correspondence over the coming week. If I don't, feel free to hassle me about being lame and not being in touch - that should elicit a response. :)

Hope you'll hear from me soon!

c

Just a link, but a good one.

2010-11-18T16:57:00.003-05:00

How to Know When Yoga is Working for You, via Elephant Journal.

My favorite from the list:
9. You no longer think about what you're cooking for dinner while in Savasana.

What's your favorite way to know the yoga is working for you? It doesn't have to be from this list, either. :)

xoxo

in which i decide to never blog from a blackberry ever again (oohhh, my achin' thumbs!)

2010-11-05T01:49:00.000-04:00

A little follow-up to yesterday's livid post:

So I felt like I was in a pretty good place, after thinking lots about Dorothy's comment and having strategies to deal (or not deal, really) with M.

I even started a book today by Jack Kornfield about Buddhist psychology. Have you ever heard the expression, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"? Well, I've had this book (The Wise Heart) for well over two years; I snagged it from the religion writer at the SLTrib. So I'm on a crazy long flight this morning, learning about nonattachment and science of mind and sensory perception and all kinds of good stuff, all set to ~~attempt to~~ practice lovingkindness toward M when I walk in the house tonight...

So I've been around going on six hours now, and he very deliberately hasn't said a word to me, avoiding any kind of contact at all. He did slam a door in my face, but my honest reaction was a "whatever." Seriously. I heard him telling my mom (I guess she said something, which is so totally not their dynamic!) that we're not friends, which is obviously true. I'm still game to attempt politeness, if he says hi.

Progress? I think so.

Tonight: dinner at home with the folks (I even got to help cook!) and a long walk with my dad that included gelato, noisy bars, and looking at the beach.
Tomorrow: breakfast at 976 with mom and gramma betsy, then beachbeachbeach, then yoga at the teacher training tent with E!!! This trip is shaping up *quite* nicely. :)

Hope you all are doing well, and finding peace with whatever life is throwing at you.

xoxo

Just a simmer, so far, but I'm not there yet. (edited w/ photo)

2010-11-03T10:23:00.012-04:00

As mentioned yesterday, I'm visiting "home" starting tomorrow.

I'm thrilled, really, to have a break: after a few insane months at work, after some too-chilly-for-me weather, after too much feeling like I've been running around, not as present as I aspire to be.

There are ways San Diego, and PB in particular, will always be home. There, at the foot of the rickety Diamond Street stairs, I learned to walk on that sand. There, below Chalcedony Street's curving concrete ramp, I learned to swim in that often-rough water. There, just south of where Reed meets the hostel, I learned not just algebra and Spanish and history, but who I am, fundamentally. And how many times, and with how many boys — and the occasional man, sigh — did I fall in love at the end of PB Drive?

More momentous family occasions than I'd care to remember took place in those couple of square miles: births, deaths, marriages, divorces, more than a few screaming matches, and even a psychotic break (luckily, not mine). Sometimes it seems as though those are what keep me away, now.

But no. New York has an amazing "pull" factor, sucking me in and engaging me in ways that I never thought I'd care about. I think I wrote last year about being surprised by whom I'm identifying with. I'm not a city girl, which is so bizarre to me. I'm not a country girl, either (I don't even know who/what that'd be). But during election cycles, I'm more concerned with "upstate issues," including farming, transportation and education, than I ever thought I'd be. I'm pretty much a bleeding heart liberal. Even in Utah — god, especially when I lived in Utah — that's when the ball got rolling...

Which is a problem when I visit San Diego. My little brother, who at 28 is only 15 months my junior, fancies himself quite the dapper, moneyed, young Alex P. Keaton, just with fewer reasoned positions. My brother, M, just wants to argue and spew invectives about how much he hates liberals, how they (we) destroy everything, and ohyeah, down with the gays and brown people, too. If you so much as attempt to step in with a slight question of his position, he goes off, spouting big words he learned in private university (that he didn't lift a finger to pay for) economics classes and may have read on a conservative's blog. He might even throw some Catholic catechism in there too, for good measure. I have yet to hear an original thought from this kid, seriously. No, seriously.

I'm a firm believer that the life I have lived has shaped my politics. I mean, that's just common sense, to me. There's an inevitable difference between what I have lived, and what he has lived — we're different people. But to me, what he has lived doesn't support what he endorses. Everything about him is aspirational, with no life experience (or wealth) to back it up. And he is so caught up in this current of hatred and superiority that he can't (or won't) see the value of breadth of experiences. This fundamental disconnect in values blows my mind, and I don't know how to deal with it.

When I walk in to my parents' house and see that M has taken over much of it with car paraphernalia and electronics and other accoutrements of a swanky lifestyle, my blood boils. When I learn that my dad has to postpone retirement longer than he'd planned, in order to pay off M's tuition bills, my blood boils. When I catch the occasional Facebook glimpse of an M status update, that reads, "fukkin bitches and thier issues ... oh well beautiful day to enjoy a [insert expensive brand name] cigar and bourbon," my blood boils. (He unfriended me. which had me laughing for days, but my BF is still "friends" with him and sometimes I can't resist checking in... )

(Obviously my parents have some culpability in this, but it's less than it'd seem and like anything family-related, it's complicated. Rawr.)

I went back for Thanksgiving last year and ~~other than making inappropriate plate art at the adults-only-kids'-table with olives, pickles and mini-carrots~~ time spent with family was a downright disaster. M is the power-starved tyrant king of this little world. People do what he wants because it's easier than saying, "No, you're a tool. Go make your own luck." It seems that only people outside the county lines (my sister and other brother and I) recognize this going on. So it is with some trepidation that I head back.

I'd stay at a friend's place, but I really want to spend time with my dad, and he'll be home grading papers. I *will* have a rental car...

Anyway. This post has absolutely nothing to do with yoga at all, but I needed to get my absolute fury with M out of my system (for now). Does anyone have any advice for dealing with the situation, demonstrating the ease and grace that shines in all of your writings? Please?

xoxo :)

Wisdom from Dorothy's comment, written out and Post-It-ed to my boarding pass:

2010-11-02T16:11:00.002-04:00

I'm visiting San Diego this weekend. Besides my immediate family, only a yoga blog–buddy or two knows.

Here's hoping that the warm sand underfoot, and a steamy class at teacher training, and awesome Gramma Betsy, balance me out in ways that I feel I need, but can't quite put into words.

My solar-powered batteries are due for some recharging.

2010-10-18T16:55:00.003-04:00

Think I'm gonna do a home practice tonight. Crank up the space heater and bundle up, and see (remind myself, really) what a third consecutive day of practice can do for my body and soul.

Thursday night, my left hip finally got itself figured out. A huge pop during Eagle, which was slightly, briefly painful, and then I was feeling loose, flexible, easy, comfortable... It's funny, though: I'd just been getting to a point where I could balance in various postures, and all of a sudden — POOF! — my body makes a major shift and I'm starting from scratch all over, once again.

It's never too late, right? That's what I hear, anyway. ;)

(Inothernews: Ticket bought for a quick visit to San Diego Nov. 4 [Thursday afternoon] to Nov. 7 [Sunday night]! I so hope to visit BKTT, and meet some of my blogger amigas. :) )

Awesome blog meets awesomer yoga

2010-10-11T11:29:00.005-04:00

One of my favorite blogs/bloggers, Ryan over at Pacing the Panic Room, hooked himself up with The Gap to make a "Do What You Love" mashup ad campaign of amazing people doing what they love, while wearing Gap's new jeans line.

via Pacing the Panic Room. I can't figure out how to make this picture a link, so click right there, right below this, and check out Afton.

His first installation features a Bikram yogini rock star! My outdated work computer won't play the video, so you should check it out and then tell me all about it.

OK? OK. Go.

No, go NOW.

speaking up

2010-10-08T14:49:00.002-04:00

Good class last night. I was dizzy every so often, but I stood and breathed and it passed. I stood in a new spot, too. (Lucky for me, I am not wedded to any particular spot. I am usually one of the last people into the studio so I stand wherever there's space, which usually happens to be the front right side. Whatever.)

I didn't want to be in the front row because I wasn't sure I'd be a good, strong example for the couple new students we had. I stood in the back right corner, and it was almost chilly! What a weird sensation, to *not* want fans blowing on me. Can't imagine feeling that way again. Usually I am trying frantically to send telepathic messages to the instructor, offering bribes in exchange for turning on the fans. (It hasn't worked, yet, but I'll let you know.)

I realized sometime between class last night and right now, that most of the time, I forget that the studio is hot (with rare exceptions; see previous post). That sounds crazy, but I'm dead serious. I think I just identify the yoga as hard. Heat has become less of a factor. Weird, eh?

Just got back from the chiropractor's office, after postponing Wednesday's appointment until today because I was just so dang sore. Figured that my body might be more receptive to manipulation if I had just taken class. It was, but I was also geared up to speak with her about the pain. It was empowering, in a small way. She did less-intense (I can't go so far as to say gentle) work, and so far I don't feel too bad. And she scheduled my next appointment 10 days out, which is nice, too. It's good to work on things, but it's good to know when to back off, too. This is the first time I feel like she's actually heard what I'm saying regarding pain.

Got back to work and I saw this article about Rolfing in the NY Times. I thought it was interesting, and share-worthy because it mentions yoga's benefits (woot!) but also something near and dear to my heart (and back): fascia.

One line at the end made me chuckle a little bit, and reminded me of my extreme gratitude for yoga:
"It's almost as if your body locks up emotions," he said.

You think? ;)

frustration and discomfort (and things I actually do like about fall)

2010-10-07T09:07:00.009-04:00

The thing about winter, and why it doesn't get my wrath, is because it's supposed to be cold. I'm simply resigned to that.

Well, it's been a little while since I've posted. I'm hardly on the computer at home, and this is the crazy-busy time of year at work.

First things first, I suppose:
While I did not come close to finishing 30 classes in 30 days, I think I did between 15 and 20, which is a far more regular practice than I've had in a long time. I think it really helped in getting better results with the chiropractor, too. On the 26th, I did my first class without water — I think it was the first, anyway. I didn't plan on it, but I got to the studio late and didn't have time to fill my bottle nor grab a bottle from the cooler.

I didn't die. Actually, it wasn't even that bad. I wouldn't want to make it a regular thing, as I like having the option of taking a sip when I (think I) need it. But water-free class went fine. Class on the 30th was cancelled because of flooding and a power outage in the area, and I was crushed that there was no class. I know, it surprised me, too.

These days... ohhhhhh, these days.
Like I've written before, the initial problems that got me in the door to the chiropractor's office are pretty much resolved, which is fabulous. But my muscles are quite, very, surprisingly, unbelievably sore in the hours and day after my appointments. Then my weird skin pain kicked back up into high gear. I scratched an itch on my shoulder one night, and it felt like I was digging into a deep bruise. Awesome.

The BF and I took the dogs for a hike this past Saturday afternoon, and although the scenery was stunning, the hike was really physically challenging for me. Within a few minutes, I was out of breath, and my muscles (HELLO, HAMSTRINGS!!!) were screaming at me. I kept up, and threw sticks for the dogs while he climbed, but on the trip back to the car, my legs felt like Jell-O. By the time we got home, it was all I could do to take a shower and pass out. This hike wasn't exceptionally long, either. Gahhhh... Couldn't help but think, What is wrong with me???

And over the past two weeks, it has felt like my back muscles have been slowly developing the texture of beef jerky. Everything in spasm, all of the time, especially between my shoulderblades and spine. And the exhaustion, oh mannnn. Normally, when I get on the train in the morning and evening, I get a little something done before I sleep for about 20 minutes, whether it's knitting, editing, reading, or playing stupid games on my phone. Now, it's hard to stay awake for a few minutes until the conductor checks tickets. Then, my head drops and I probably drool all the way to work (or home).

Something funny:
All last week, I felt bombarded by "I love fall" sentiments. I love that everyone else loves fall, and some people write about it just beautifully.

Me, on the other hand, well, I do not love fall. Not even pumpkin spice lattes. After about a week of glorious 60ish-degree days, I've had enough, thanks. It portends only colder things to come, and cold makes my body very, very uncomfortable. (I once read a piece called "You Know You're From San Diego If..." and it included "...if it's below 60 degrees, you're freezing, and if it's above 85, you're dyyyying it's so hot." It's pathetisad, but mostly true, for me.) So BF's mom was waxing poetic Saturday about how lovely fall is, and made the mistake of asking if I didn't love it. I'd had it. I said something to the effect of, No, I don't. It gets cold, and I don't like being cold. It makes my body hurt. I'm ready to move to Southeast Asia where I can love hot-and-wet and hot-and-dry year-round. (And the food!)

Well, my little friends, I've learned to be careful what I wish for.
I went to yoga Sunday, and the room felt extra-hot. Maybe it's me, I thought, as I took a knee for the umpteenth time (the HAMSTRINGS!!! from the hike, 'member?). But then I noticed my neighbor R, who I've never seen sit, was sitting. And he's usually on the hot side of the room, anyway! The teacher temporarily opened the door between the studio and the lobby, and put the fans on full blast, and generally tried to cool us down even a smidge. In the first, long, savasana, it felt like the bottoms of my feet were actually on fire. Which I've experienced before (the feeling, not actual combustion), but never at this studio. Thank goodness this was not an accidentally-water-free class: My lips were cracking.

Turns out it was 116 degrees.

OK, UNIVERSE! I get it. I will not express my disdain for chill any longer. I will accept the temperature as it is every day, and rock the heating pad as often as I need to in an attempt to stay reasonably pliable. I will invest in SmartWool and live another several months wearing their long-janes under my jeans (I heart SmartWool).

Stay Positive:
In an effort to be positive, the BF and I are going to come up with one thing every day that is good about fall. (He loves autumn because it is prime rock-climbing season here, and prime surfing season at home [amazing that I still call it that, but that's another post for another day].) This is an easy list for him.

Through the fog of my crankiness and crybabyness and general wahh, wahhh of the past few weeks, and which you've just read through, I've come up with a few things I like:
Fewer tourists in ~~the way at~~ Grand Central and hindering passage along the sidewalks on my walk to work.
The smell of wood-burning fires.
No mosquitos!!! (This is a big LIKE.)
Wearing beanies.
The crunchy noise leaves make underfoot.
Rain. (Which I realize isn't limited to fall, but it reminds me of my very favoritestest season "at home": winter at the beach.)
Rooting for the little guys in the baseball playoffs. (Go Twins! Go Rays!)

Another positive: After one particularly chilly train ride home, it occurred to me that as hot yoga has helped me learn to love the heat, perhaps cold yoga would help me better deal with chills. My plan: Start a worldwide empire of yoga studios, renting out old meat lockers wherein we can practice a predetermined sequence of postures to a dialogue delivered by someone wearing a snowsuit. Class temperatures will not exceed 40 degrees (Fahrenheit, to clarify for any non-U.S. readers I might have) — mind over the matter, right? Instead of coconut-water coolers, we'll have hot chocolate and soup ready to serve up after class.

I think it could work... you?

;)

Day 20: Not two-thirds done.

2010-09-21T09:48:00.002-04:00

I so wish I'd been able to practice this yoga on each of 30 days. (That brings to mind the saying, "If wishes were fishes..." — what does that even mean?) But this month, it wasn't to be... It did, however, get me into the chiropractor's office, and on a path to minimizing daily pain. If the primary goal of every endeavor is to learn even one little thing, then I've met that, as I've learned a bunch by trying to complete this challenge.

Last night, the BF was out hiking with the dogs when I got home, so I did two sets of each posture in the standing series, and a single set of the remaining postures before they got home. The dogs needed baths IMMEDIATELY, smelling vile after rolling in who-knows-what. Once they were clean and fluffy, I went back to my mat and goofed around with more postures. I did a few sets of standing head to knee on both sides, a couple standing bow pulling poses, and some other random postures. Anything involving toes touching your head is a hell of a lot easier in a warm studio, you know?

Something possessed me to work on headstands. They, like my living room's floor, are HARD!

One thing I really appreciate about a home practice is the flexibility to do an extra set of postures, or hold something just a little bit longer than we would in class. I'm not sure anyone really likes standing head to knee, but I am enjoying it for now because I've been feeling a progression in it, especially as my hips start to even out. On my 30 Before 30 list, I have "Do 29 backbends." I love backbends, I really do, but I'm thinking of editing that to-do, changing it to "Do 29 standing head to knees." So much more of a challenge. We'll see...

Days 17/18: Disappointed | Day 19: Bittersweet

2010-09-20T11:47:00.003-04:00

I ended up taking off all of last week. After my surprisingly awesome double on Sunday (9/12), I didn't practice again until yesterday (9/19). It was a strong class, and fairly flexible, but the goodness of it was bittersweet. I would rather have had a mediocre class with daily practice leading up to it, but (to use an expression I really dislike) it is what it is. I am ridiculously sore today, and my hamstrings feel loose and floppy like shoelaces. But it's all good.

I read Mei's post, and made a phone call about the competition. Apparently advanced classes are available to people training (is that even the right word?) for the competition. They are during my work days, but maybe I could get to at least one. I still have no idea what my two optional postures ~~would~~ will be.

I noticed some tiny alignment changes in the mirror yesterday. It's nice to see some results from the S&M beatdowns from the chiropractor. :) And, in a sign of progress on that front, I'm down to one day a week with her.

Looking forward to doing my — our, really — yoga tonight. I love practicing with mirrors, but I learn a lot by practicing without them, too. Especially in my left hip, I'm getting to really feel the alignment from the inside, out.

The outdated browsers on my work computer are incompatible with Facebook working in more than a cursory way, so I've stopped wasting time there. (Which is good, because this is a busy time of year here at the mag.) I have, however, filled all that time with reading blogs by Bikram yogis and yoginis. Congratulations to those just starting teacher training! I hope they have an incredible experience in my old hometown.

And I hope you all had a stellar weekend. :)
xoxo

Days 14/15/16: "Do What You Can Today, And Do Not Judge Yourself."

2010-09-17T10:27:00.007-04:00

The title of this post is from a piece over at this blog, which I found through another blog.

And it's something I know that I know, but definitely needed a reminder about.

I don't know if it's because of looming chilly weather, or work stress, or life stress — or catalyzed by the yoga and the bodywork — but my body is hurting... Beyond the unbelieveable stiffness, beyond the for-no-reason muscle soreness, beyond all sorts of other symptoms that can be explained away. It feels like the fibromyalgia is back from its slumber. I know that it's back when my skin starts to hurt.

Basically my nerves freak out over normal sensations (god forbid I get goosebumps) and minimal stimulus (please don't pat my arm, thanks). Maybe I have written about this here, before? It's theorized that the nervous system doesn't know what to do with this input. You know what is really good at calming down the nervous system?

Yoga.

So after a four-so-far-day hiatus (it was only supposed to be three, but a train breakdown kept me from the hot room last night. *shakes fist!!*), my goal tonight is to simply move. I'll just do a single set (maybe [poutyface]), slowly and deliberately. I'd like to do that every day, from now until whenever.

The chiropractor got insurance to authorize this:

Ostensibly, electrical impulses sent via the little gel pads have a pain-relieving effect. Thus far, that hasn't really happened for me. I do feel like the muscle spasms are breaking up, a little bit, and maybe that's the first step to the pain relief. We'll see. It isn't hurting anything and it didn't cost me a dime, so I might as well give it a go. Even though it reminds me of an old-school garage-door opener.

A few hours later:
Well, just got back from a productive visit with the chiropractor, Dr. E. I mentioned my concerns, she sounded surprised by them, but then she kind of switched gears and was really nice. She recommended a homeopathic treatment specifically for nerve pain, which is kind of cool. I am not totally convinced that homeopathic treatments work, but if it does, it only costs $6.99. And if it doesn't, I'm only out $6.99. Also, I'm only seeing her once next week. (YAY!!$$$!)

She said that stiffness is often an intermediate step between pain and not-pain, as more blood flows to the area. She said to keep moving, keep using the garage-door opener, keep doing what I'm doing because my spine is moving.

My thought: Yeah, but to "keep doing what I'm doing" will make things hurt. ??? That is counterintuitive, at best. So, as I wrote above, I'm just going to go slow and steady, gently. And I'll try the sugar pills.

Love love, and happy Friday, ladies. :)

Day 13: Getting frustrated

2010-09-14T11:11:00.006-04:00

First things first: No yoga last night. I'm now two classes down, again. My goal wasn't just to do 30 classes in 30 days (which I'm fairly optimistic I can still do). I'd wanted to do at least one class every day for at least 30 days. So: Grrrrrr.

The midback pain that I initially went to the chiropractor for seems to be resolving quite well. My spine feels straighter, and now that the initial insane muscle soreness has passed (despite Dr. E's continued efforts to leave me black and blue), my back-back is feeling pretty good. My lower back, on the other hand...

Dr. E has been working on moving my left hip around, trying to get it to want to become unstuck. Not forcing anything, but gradually opening things up in there.

My, how they are opening.

The shooting, stabbing pains in my sciatic area started a few hours after yesterday's appointment. The long-compacted SI joint seems like a creaky door that has been shut tightly for years, and is going to need some coaxing to stay open. That groan the door makes when you open it? I think my joint is making that noise. I took ibuprofen (Advil), then naproxen (Aleve) later on. Left a heating pad on it while sitting at my desk. Seemed to help.

Then I stood up and tried to walk, and the joint screamed at me. Two hours later, sitting at home, after more ibuprofen, I had an ice pack on the joint. The pain was so bad that I felt like I was going to vomit. So, no yoga last night either, causing me to be pretty frustrated.

Last night, I went upstairs to find feathers everywhere and two holes in my not-new-but-until-now-awesome down comforter. Lucy, the 7-month-old puppy, had a guilty look on her face.

She is cute, but she is sneaky.

It was the last straw for me. She had already chewed through the only decent pairs of shoes I had. (I'm not a shoe whore, but now I think I should be. It would have been nice to have backup shoes.) My car is falling apart. My computer is falling apart. Because of my weight gain since moving to NY, a lot of my clothes don't fit. I am flat broke, and I can't seem to catch up on basic things in life outside of utilities, train passes, and credit card payments (and believe me, I am incredibly grateful that I mostly have those under control, but this is my freakout). I'd wanted to visit San D in November, visit my friends and some family and my old beaches and Bikram teacher training, but I have no idea where money for airfare is going to come from. I'm not a materialistic person by any means, but is it so much to just ask for one thing, just one, to be in reasonably good shape? Normally, in the face of such destruction/dilapidation, I can say, "Well, at least I've got my health." Not this time.

That's right. I went from superkilling back pain to total freakout just like that. I spent the next 20 minutes or so wailing in the bathroom — didn't want to wake the BF — torturing myself with questions like, Is it (this nebulous "it") karma? Is it fibro, which I recently thought I'd been so good at appeasing, rearing its ugly head? Do I deserve this pain and this instability (inside and out, I guess) because of something I've done (or didn't do)? On and on and on it went, verging on self-pity but (I hope) not totally giving in. It's more frustration, I promise.

And then I remembered all the times that people have told me we store emotions in our bodies. So hopefully that is all this is. I'm a control freak about very few things, but I think maybe some of those tendencies are coming out, as maybe all of the bodywork I've been having has accelerated the process.

But it'd sure be nice to not be frustrated. And it'd be nice to be able to walk/sit/breathe without my nerves screaming at me.

Gahhh, this is quite the unfocused rant, but that's what blogs are for, right? If you've read this far, well, I apologize. At least you got to see my cute dogs. :)

Days 10, 11 and 12: The picture I wanted to post before

2010-09-11T22:43:00.006-04:00

That's pitcher Jered Weaver, one of my favorite players on my favorite team, practicing crow pose before a game on April 21, 2009.

Day 11 was good. Would you believe I took class from Bikram himself? It's true: he taught in my living room! The CD is cool like that. For a long time I really didn't like the CD. It aggravated me in ways that are hard to pin down now.

But now, I giggle at most of the Bikram-isms and really find a kind of comfort in the rest of his dialogue. The man is funny. His accent and pidgin English are also kind of funny (except "much more higher." That is not funny. It just hurts my ears.) He segues into singing at times, from silly ("Don't look so sad/Don't look so lonely/Long way from home/To kill yourself...") to more somber tunes (he intones something during a savasana in the floor series, and he could be singing Britney Spears for all I know, but it just seems less jokey).

I went rock climbing later in the day, finally some "easy" stuff (the routes my BF finds are not usually easy enough for me, and it's never truly easy). I climbed the strongest and fastest I have in a long time, and with less hesitation/freak-out about moves. Yes, it was an easyish route, but I wasn't scared. Pretty sure that's the yoga effect, my friends. :)

Since I'd missed Friday night again (it's not even like I'm going out and partying, I just cook longer and relax longer and start drinking wine earlier...), I had to do a double Sunday and make up for at least one of my two missed classes.

Previous experiences with doubles had not been good: I had done one class early and one class later, and the later class was usually really hard. So of course I was realllllly intimidated by the idea of doing back-to-back classes, followed by my usual hours of cleaning. I'd carefully planned out that in the half-hour between classes, I would chug a coconut water, shower quickly, change clothes, and help as needed at the desk. Well, the desk was chaos from the start, and I didn't have a chance to shower or change. (Importantly, I got the coconut water!)

I ran into the room for the second class just as the teacher was about to start pranayama, and I had a good, strong class. It was small, and nearly half of the students were brand-newbies. I think I decided that since I had to be an example, I *couldn't* have a weak or unfocused class. And I didn't. (And the new kids did so great! I was so proud of them.)

The first class was really aggravating on a personal-space level, and the work-study cleaning after class was really frustrating, and I could go on and on and on here about the specifics, but I'm mostly going to just try to let it go.

One funny thing, though:
I thoroughly cleaned the mirrors during the long gap between the second morning class and the (usually very small) afternoon class. They looked awesome. They were perfectly clean. The later-class's teacher and I had been discussing various cleaning issues/dramas. Usually after class, the mirrors just need to be spot-cleaned. I told D that I'd done everything possible to make her post-class duties easy, and she'd just have to spot-clean the mirrors before leaving. ... ... ... ...

And then The Flinger walked in. As soon as he was safely in the studio, we just smacked our palms to our foreheads. The best-laid plans...

Day 9: A public service announcement

2010-09-10T10:28:00.004-04:00

via dialaview / sxc.hu

This public service announcement sponsored by your local friendly work-study student:

PLEASE, for the love of all that is good, PLEASE, do not be an overzealous sweat-flinger!

As part of my work-study duties, I clean up around the studio after classes. Emptying trash cans, spraying down mats and showers, vacuuming, laundry, etc. No problem. On weeknights, I typically spot-clean the mirrors from the incidental and inevitable sweat splotches. We are, after all, touching that mirror in Standing Bow Pulling Pose, aren't we? ;) Of course we are.

But man, oh man. There's one guy who always stands in the front-left corner of the studio, sequestered waaaaay into the corner in a way that isn't necessary when there are only 10 people in class, and he throws sweat everywhere.

(Now, I understand this sweat business: Unfortunately, I consider myself a super-sweater, and have soaked my fair share of towels. But I try, at least, to keep my splish-sploshing confined to my mat and towels. I get that it's 105° and we're dripping. I do.)

After classes that The Flinger is in, I have to bust out the squeegee and Windex and many towels, just to clean this one corner. I understand that this is part of my job, but there are many, many other things to tend to and it's already after 9 p.m. when I start cleaning, and I have a 45-minute drive home. For the same reason that we don't leave our sweaty clothes laying around the dressing rooms, we should try to be considerate about cleanliness in the rest of the studio ~~and other people's time~~.

DON'T BE THAT GUY. ALL CAPS.

(Inspired in part by Cristina's awesome post here.)

It would have been nice to get home before 11. Otherwise, last night's class was pretty good.

Days 7 and 8: Multitasker

2010-09-09T13:17:00.005-04:00

Tuesday was a full day, crazy and hectic at work, but I knew I could power through it. Dinner at home ran long and the dogs demanded attention. I was really looking forward to my yoga class at 10:05 p.m. It's an unusual time, I know, kind of late, but totally worth it. Why? Because I can put on the Angels game (7:05 Pacific) and practice while I listen!

(There's another picture I want to put here, but I can't find it now.)

Oh sure, it kind of defeats the whole meditative purpose, but once in a while I just want to feel back in touch with my favorite team. Even if they are having a miserable year. Listening to the announcers cracks me up, too, because they are awesomely ~~bad~~entertaining. Occasionally I'll find myself holding a posture extra-long, caught up in listening to an interview, for example. I rarely stay up for the late game times, so when I do, practicing yoga is a way to multitask and avoid feeling like I'm staying up crazy late for no good reason. And there's that whole challenge thing, too. I sure love this home practice! :D

EDITED TO ADD: After I finished my 26+2, I ran through the series of postures required for competition a few times, making sure to keep a smile on my face. I have no idea what my optional postures will be. Has anyone here (that's you, readers) competed? Advice? Insight? I still don't know if I will, but... but...

Yesterday: chiropractor again, where I (nerd alert, E!) learned that because of the scoliosis, my left-side ribs and my right-side ribs grew differently. Yep, the torsion caused the left ones to grow in more flat, and the right ones to be more rounded. She beat me up again (damned if it's not productive, though), and I actually left work early because of the soreness (a heating pad seems to be helping today). I had agreed to fill in at the yoga studio for another worker-studier, so got to take the 5:45 class.

"Taking it easy" in class is actually really hard, but always a good lesson. Be kind to yourselves, people. Show a little compassion when you look in that mirror. Give yourself credit for being there, challenging yourself to just be there.

Days 4, 5 and 6: Learning not to panic

2010-09-07T10:31:00.001-04:00

photo via sxc.hu / raichinger

"To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—this is the spiritual path." ~ Pema Chodron

Bikram says it's fine if you can meditate in a pretty, quiet room, perfectly appointed with items designed to aid relaxation (I'm paraphrasing A LOT). What's more challenging, and more worthwhile, is to find a quiet mental space when you're stuck in freeway traffic in Los Angeles (I like to think he's referring to the 405), when it's 90 degrees and your car's AC is broken. If you can meditate there, you can meditate anywhere. If you can learn to meditate upside-down in a hot room, with sweat running up your nose, you can meditate anywhere.

I tried to keep this in mind Monday as sweat was indeed running up my nose during Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose. I'd driven up to Saratoga Springs to take class from a friend whom I hadn't seen in far, far too long. My back was stiff and sore because, well, it's my back, and my body was creaky from the two hours in the car headed to a morning class, where everything is always stiffer.

During class, the "traffic/hot/stuck" metaphor translated to my body. If I can learn to work to the edge of the pain, and find/make peace with my spine where it is at that moment, it's possible to learn to breathe and calm down those pain sensations while walking around in day-to-day life.

(My 30-day challenge update: Saturday, morning home practice; Sunday, morning class at BYY; Monday, morning class at Hot Yoga Saratoga. Five classes in six days is probably the most consistently I've practiced since moving to New York. Yay! I might even be looking forward to doing a double one of these studio Sundays...)

Day 3: A haiku

2010-09-03T17:02:00.000-04:00

photo via sxc.hu / konr4d

Chiropractic lunch
Brutal spine-shifting session
No yoga tonight

Day 2: What if I don't want to trust the process?

2010-09-02T17:02:00.000-04:00

photo via flickr/andy z

Trust the process.

I've (of course) never been, but apparently teachers-to-be hear this nonstop while at Bikram Yoga Teacher Training. But does it apply to us regular ol' students, too?

Right now, I hope not, because I really don't want to trust the process. My body hurts, and I'm frustrated, and I am cranky, dammit!

Some weird stuff has coincided with the onset of this mid-back pain. My digestion has been off. I realized that nerves branch out from everywhere in our spine, so I wouldn't be surprised if some of the nerves in my mid-back feed my guts (no pun intended). If the nerves are pinched or otherwise compromised, that affects my guts. Instead of sitting funny and having my leg fall asleep, my back is situated oddly and my intestines fell asleep.

Visits to the chiropractor seem to have helped with my back's structure, if not its pain.

Thursday night in class, I had a total meltdown once we hit the floor series. I was frustrated at the continuing back pain. I was frustrated with being frustrated. I was frustrated at having so much fear that the pain would continue. I've often heard in Bikramland the saying, "This is the pain that kills the pain." There's no harm in trusting that, for now.

I feel like I'm at one end of the bridge in the picture above. I know that the other end is out there, somewhere. I know it's there. I just have to believe that I can get there.

Come on, I know you sometimes feel like this too.

2010-09-02T09:46:00.004-04:00

Especially in those early-morning classes.

video via tumblr / fuckyeahyoga

Day 1: Done and done!

2010-09-01T23:39:00.003-04:00

photo via Flickr/Johannes-Konrad

It's really hot here. Again. At the for-all-intents-and-purposes-if-not-technical-end of summer. It hit 96 today, September 1.

Which was perfect for a home practice to kick off my 30-day challenge! It's great/awful not starting until 10 p.m., but it gives me a chance to enjoy dinner with my man and a little walk with the dogs. Then they sleep, and I practice, and we're all happy.

It was a good class, if small. Leo the dog didn't even join - he ran upstairs to the air-conditioning as soon as he was allowed to. I, on the other hand, was dripping sweat not 10 minutes into my practice. I didn't use the CD or anything tonight, and it was cool and peaceful to hear the pitter-patter of sweat drops on my mat. (I just realized how disgusting that might sound to people who aren't fans of Bikram yoga.)

I didn't push my back toooo far, though it did take a few tries before I could get past the fear of doing a backbend while "cold" - at 90 degrees instead of 105. But I did it. Classes for the next five days should be no-brainers as far as scheduling, so (knock on wood) I think I'm in good shape to keep this challenge going!

That's all I got for now, folks, as I have to be out the door in six or so hours. Happy September, everyone! Any plans for the long weekend?

Just in time for National Yoga Month! (with a long aside)

2010-08-27T11:23:00.006-04:00

I'm planning on doing a 30-day challenge in September. Not just because it's on my 30 Before 30 list. There are a couple of answers to "Why do this now?"

1. September actually has only 30 days. Just four months can claim that! For some reason, it works better in my mind this way. I think I'd be inclined to excuse myself for one day if I were to challenge in a 31-day month. This may make no sense, at all, but it's how my brain works... Also, it isn't cold yet, so I can get a good sweat on even in a mostly-home practice.

2. My life finally has a semblance of routine: I work at the yoga studio one night and one day a week. I go to work and I come home and I play with dogs. Sometimes I cook, sometimes the boyfriend does. It's all very boring, but I wouldn't have it any other way. (Well, that's not entirely true. I wish I could magically transport myself to work in an instant, but it's not going to happen, and I love where I live and I love where I work, so. That's that.)

3. The New York asana competition is in October, and participating is also on my 30 Before 30 list. Doing this challenge will help me prepare for that in a couple ways. Getting stronger with postures. Getting stronger in general. Losing a couple of pounds (maybe). Developing Bikram's five aspects of the mind (that's a great link; you should click it!): faith, determination, self-control, concentration and patience. Taking part in the competition might not happen, however, because 1) My emails to Bikram Yoga NYC have gone unanswered; 2) I can't seem to find anything about this year's competition, including a date, and 3) My back is kind of angry.

Aside/explanation about the back; feel free to skip this:

I've had lower back pain on and off for years now, and I'm used to it, and it's a dull-ache kinda thing. Yoga helps, etc, etc. I love, LOVE backbending. However, over the past three weeks to a month, I've developed pretty bad pain and stiffness in my midback. Well, the muscles have always been tight, but now my spine really feels stiff. Backbending HURTS. Feels like a metal rod is in my spine.

In a trip to the chiropractor Wednesday (the first such visit in over two years), I learned that the apex of my pain is right at the apex of my spine's scoliotic curve, like the point on the left side of this character: < . OK, maybe it's not quite that severe, but it feels like it! I also learned that my spine is more of a wreck than I had assumed/accepted. The doc actually asked me, "What happened to you?" as though she thought I'd been in a car accident, or something. Maybe she was hoping to keep steady any business from me. Not to worry, doc.

It was interesting to hear her rundown of my structural issues, as her observations actually validated a lot of perceptions (proprioceptions?) I'd had. For example, even when my feet are together, toes and heels touching, I feel like my left hip is waaay forward of the right one. And I feel like my head is constantly tilted to the right. And like my right shoulder is trying to reach forward to touch my wacky left hip. (This explains why my half-moon to the right comes extremely naturally — I'm already halfway there.) And on and on. And I was right!!!

Well, she did some work on my neck (my chin goes straight down now! Yay!) and my wonky lower back, and although I was sore yesterday, it was a good sore. Just like I've heard at yoga, my body didn't get into so much pain overnight; it's unreasonable to expect it to get awesome overnight.

That doesn't, however, keep me from wanting it to be awesome overnight. In Thursday's class, I still had the midback pain, and in the first backbend I just tried to breathe through the pain/fear (about which a post is started and sitting in draft version). The second one I did OK, though nowhere near its usual depth. The last thing I wanted to do was jam everything up. Which brings me back to...

End aside/explanation. Sheesh, that was long.

4. My back is kind of angry. A challenge, undertaken with care and concern and compassion, can work wonders for my spine, especially in concert with chiropractic.

What I hope to learn from you, lovelies, is why you do challenges. And what are some of the biggest obstacles to completing them? How do you address those obstacles? I won't be able to use the "I don't have enough time" excuse most days. My time commitment will be exactly 90 minutes (or however long the CD really is), since at least three days a week I'll be practicing at home. It's nice to have dealt with that excuse (my favorite, by the way) up front. Let's see if I don't talk myself out of it. :)

It's good to blog again. If you're a blogger, yoga-related or otherwise, know that I am always inspired (or at least entertained!) by what you've been writing. I so look forward to hearing your thoughts!

So much to say, so much to say...

2010-08-05T16:35:00.004-04:00

But where has my time gone? Been wondering if I should think about looking into modes of internet access for my laptop while I do the commuting thing every day. That's two whole hours a day I could be relating my yogic summer adventures (or lack thereof, honestly)... I could get caught up, at least.

But today... Today calls for a note to self.

For several days now, but especially today, I've been itching to stretch out these tight muscles and creaky bones. I was once again compelled to bust out a triangle in the bathroom stall. My left hip wanted more, more of that tinglyburnygetdeepinthere sensation. The lower back demanded it, too. It felt good to move into the posture for just a quick couple of seconds, to shush those clamoring voices for a while.

It'll be hard to keep this in mind, of course, in just over three hours, when the ABSOLUTE LAST thing I want to do is two sets of triangle.

The stoke, the motivation, the itch to do our yoga often comes easily outside the studio.

How do you honor that fire while in the studio, in the heat of the moment?

(Can't wait to post pics and a roundup soon. Very soon. Just as soon as I find a new mini-USB cable. Puppy chewed the old one...)

2010-06-17T17:02:00.002-04:00

I really, really, don't wanna go to the studio/class tonight. There is so much to catch up on at home: dishes, laundry, blah, blah, blah.

Over the years, it has become super-obvious to me that days when my (dirty) plate is too full are the days I most need to go. No doubt it'll be a good class. :)

As the saying goes, the only classes I regret are the ones I don't go to.

Happy Thursday, y'all! As one coworker said today, Thursday is like a prequel to Friday. Let's rock it.

On the outside, looking ... around.

2010-06-14T12:02:00.006-04:00

Every Second Saturday of the month, all the art galleries and many businesses on Main Street stay open late, serving wine and cheese (and tiramisu!) and celebrate new openings. One of me and B's favorite storefronts, School of Jellyfish, was hosting a multimedia presentation/installation/poetry reading/dance performance. I'd met the artist a while back, just hanging out one night outside the shop, and didn't get a very good vibe from her; she seemed like another city person marveling shallowly at the "cuteness" of our town.

So cut to this past Saturday night. When I got to the shop around 7, it was packed with people dressed quite fashionably and air-kissing one another's cheeks. (Those things are, of course, fine, but they rub me the wrong way in certain settings when innumerable other, nameless things are rubbing me the wrong way, too.) I said hi to B (who was volunteering) and got my plastic cup of Prosecco, then wandered toward the back to look over the crowd.

Out of the blue, tears welled in my eyes. Not from the magic of the performance (which was more engaging than I'd expected). No, it was from thoughts of how I don't fit in here, and I don't fit in anywhere, and why, oh why, is it bothering me? I so often feel like I'm just too frumpy, too boring, too vanilla, too soccer mom-style, for anywhere I go. I *so* long to be this fashionable, elegant, interesting, avant-garde-y woman. But I'm just me — which is really ok, most of the time.

The crowd shape-shifted as the artiste introduced her dancer and explained her concepts (check out ekphrasis and kinetochore). Taller-than-me people pushed back to make room, spilling into the space where I'd been standing. I went outside, where I could see the dancer better through the wall of windows on two sides of the building. She was ravishing. Though neither the poetry nor the eventual music were audible outside, I wouldn't have noticed either even if I had been inside. She was that great (and I usually have a hard time watching modern dance). So many people walking by had been headed for the next gallery, only to surprise themselves by stopping in the drizzle, taking in a bit of the performance. Those huge windows really are spectacular. As the rain intensified, I headed back in.

Last week, while writing a long-overdue email (Hi, E!), I spent too many words trying to explain my feelings about where I've lived, how the various places have affected me, and how I am sometimes frustrated by some things about some residents of my little city (some have never left, and hate NYC, and think it has no redeeming qualities, while others have moved up from NYC to the town, and have patronizing attitudes about it, e.g. having a backyard garden is somehow both quaint and exotic). When I lived in the Bay Area, I was so different because of this. When I moved to Utah, I was so outsider because of that.

So it shouldn't have been such a surprise to me, when a little later on Saturday night, after two more cups of wine, it occurred to me that I apparently reinforce this "I don't fit in" feeling. It got me asking: Why am I so invested in identifying as an outsider? So far, I think the answer is that I'm not "invested," really; I just don't know what my niche is (yet).

Except, except, except — at the yoga studio. There, I'm just me. I fold the laundry, sign people in, try to reassure new students that they won't die in the hot room, breathe. Right after class on Saturday, I was goofing around in the studio, trying some arm balances (note to self: bring a dry towel next time; they are much harder when you are sweaty). The teacher, W, was walking past the door to the hot room and saw me, then ran in and did a couple of postures with me! It was fun, a kind of playful challenging...

I guess that around the yoga studio (this one as well as my last one in UT), just about everyone is stripped of the outward affectations that I see as separating us. To be sure, there are women with the swankiest lululemon tops and perfect hair — this is Westchester, after all. But there, I don't feel less-than, or not something enough. It's enough to just show up for a common purpose, a common 90-minute moving meditation, where we ~~attempt to~~ drop our baggage, our drama, at the door, and just sweat out the issues in our tissues (as my old teacher Alex says).

As with so many things I've learned and practiced at the studio, I need to figure out how to internalize this feeling and carry it with me into the real world. It's enough to just show up somewhere, be me, and have a good time. Even if I'm standing in the back, in just a T-shirt and jeans.

He'll be fine, right?

2010-05-27T11:03:00.007-04:00

Silence.

Then:

The crunch of gravel under his tires.

The clinking-gurgling-car-winding-down noises once he kills the ignition.

The heel-toe, heel-toe, of exhausted steps — just one set — up to the house.

The jingling of keys while he fumbles in the dark for the door.

The usually-barely-audible-but-suddenly-deafening whirr of microscopic fans in household electronics.

Then:

Silence.

* * *
Bryan stayed home sick Tuesday while I was here at work. We were talking on the phone, when suddenly the dogs (ohbtw, we got another one) started barking like crazy and I heard sirens. He said, "I have to go."

The two of us are, by 20 years or so, the youngest residents on the eastern end of our long block. Most others are in various stages of retirement, or have crazy 12-hour/3-day schedules. And Bry was home, battling a cold.

So I was the only one not around when the fire trucks and ambulances came for Bonnie, our next-door neighbor who, days after we moved in, brought over a tray of brownies. Then a little while after that, Girl Scout cookies (she's been a troop leader for almost 30 years, you know). Then just last week she and I spent an hour talking through the fence about camping, baseball and my hated (HATED) maple seedlings.

Don't worry: Bonnie's fine, or will be soon. Apparently, she had some kind of scary episode related to her diabetes (and probably not helped by the heat, now that I think about it), and was taken to a hospital. According to Bry, the crazily-scheduled-chemical-plant-worker-neighbors along our other fence drove Bonnie's husband, Jim, to the hospital.

I got home around 7, and Jim's car was gone. When I walked the dogs sometime well after midnight, it was back in its spot in front of their house. A desk lamp was on in the living room, but the house was otherwise dark.

With startling immediacy and emotion, that scene brought me back to October 2004. My husband of five weeks was in a coma after a car accident that killed his three friends. I knew he was in great hands at the hospital — not that there's a whole lot you can do for someone in a coma, most of the time, other than wait. His sister, whom I adore to this day, had flown in from Connecticut. His mom and aunt, too. After the first day or two, time spent at the hospital was actually not so painful — tons of friends brought food, the nurses and doctors were exceptionally brilliant and kind, and his corner ICU room had a killer view of the Salt Lake Valley and southern Wasatch Front. And a former coworker was running the 24-hour Starbucks in the hospital lobby — there were substantial discounts. Honestly, time at the hospital was OK.

Then I'd go home.

I only lost it one time, around 2 a.m. while waiting for the light at Foothill Drive and Sunnyside. That was the only time I wondered why... And the tough-girl side of me is inclined to chalk up that instance to sleep deprivation, nothing more.

But going home night after late night — alone — was truly awful. I hadn't reflected on it much over the years, not until I saw the little lamp glowing next door. The silence was the worst. The incidental noises and rustlings that I'd not noticed through two years of daily life with M — they were gone. It was like stepping into a place where time had stopped. M wasn't at work. He wasn't traveling. There would be no greeting, welcoming, door-opening. Not for a while, anyway.

Like Bonnie, M is pretty much fine these days. We talk a couple of times a month; he just got a full-time job (essentially, one identical to the one he had planned to start a week after the accident). He's dated a few people, but mostly hangs out with ~~our~~his dog.

But walking in the door to silence... I think that fundamentally altered me, on some microcellular-subconscious-something level.

So I couldn't help but feel for my neighbor, Jim, knowing that he came home — alone — Tuesday night. I guess I'm a little worried about the guy: She has always seemed to be the sturdy one, the one who deals with people well. Oh, he and Bonnie aren't frail or anything, and they have lots of family and friends that will help with anything they need. But I couldn't ignore my visceral reaction to the scene. And it has stuck with me for days.

So I ask those reading this to keep Jim (and Bonnie too, I suppose, though I'm less worried about her) in their thoughts or prayers or good vibes sent into the ether as teeth are brushed in the morning. Because I really want him to be fine.

Things that make you go "Ommm..."

2010-05-13T14:50:00.003-04:00

The image above popped up in my Facebook feed today. I captured it because I love learning the origins of the yoga terminology we use so often. I think most of us have heard that yoga, the word, comes from the Sanskrit word for yoke, bound together. And hatha comes from ha, sun, and tha, moon (incredibly oversimplified).

But guru's definition was new to me. I love it because I began my yoga practice in earnest during a period of such darkness, and as I've written before (I'm pretty sure), it brought me to a place of light.

There's so much to write, so many ideas to explore, but my head has been spinning a little bit lately. It's like my mind is an overstocked refrigerator, and I'm having a hard time figuring out what to make from all of this abundance... It's been so difficult to output cohesive bits of anything over the past month or so. Instead of going on a climbing trip over Memorial Day weekend with the boyfriend and his friends, I am considering staying put, slowing down, and catching up on the things I haven't ~~found~~made time to do.

Much love. ♥

Interview with a champ; posture clinic (I guess?)

2010-04-29T16:01:00.004-04:00

A former teacher of mine won the big yoga competition (yeah, yeah, save it) in February. I wasn't as close with her as I was with most of the other teachers, but I was always inspired by her "kill them with kindness" approach to teaching classes. On the occasions I was lucky enough to practice next to her in class, I'd sneak glances over and usually think one of two things:
1) How can you practice while wearing a tube top?
2) OMG OMG SHE IS AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL.

So, here's a funny, but telling, interview with Brandy Winfield (thanks to Anna for the tweet).

Interview here
"I got done with [my first] class and I called [my mom] and asked, 'Are you mad at me? Why would you make me do something as terrible as that. That was the worst thing. Do you know it smells in there?' "

(In which I use "I" more than ever, possibly:)
So, last weekend I went to a posture clinic at my studio. I'd never been to one before. It wasn't what I expected. I know, I know, no expectations, but the whole reason I went was because I was expecting to have a particular experience. It had been my understanding that in a posture clinic, experienced teachers talk through the series of postures with a group of students. People can ask questions and get individualized help. And my experience included all of that, but it also felt like something was missing.

The seminar was scheduled from 1 to 3, which didn't allow for much time. The studio owner picked about 10 postures to focus on, the most-often misunderstood ones, which seemed to make sense to me. We got as far as standing head to knee (after skipping the planned review of awkward pose because of time constraints) before things kind of went off-track, I think. At that point, all the students stood up to work on it. Each of the six teachers there helped groups of two or three students.

And then, very quickly, it was 2:45 and students for the 3 o'clock class were getting restless in the lobby. I was slightly bummed out, as I expected (there's that word again) to learn "tricks," I guess; to learn ways to go more deeply into my postures. Specifically, I wanted to learn what I can do in several postures (pranayama, eagle, floor bow, anything really) to open up my shoulders and upper back. I didn't get that... When I did ask about my misaligned hips, I was basically told, "Yep, they're off. Don't worry about it. Just keep practicing."

So. I guess I need to learn to just trust the process, as they say incessantly at teacher training? That's great and all, but I am a do-something-about-it-oriented person. If we're all just supposed to trust the process, why bother with a posture clinic? I look forward, though, to the next one. It would be nice if it were several hours longer.

So: Have you participated in posture clinics or seminars (not just Bikram-style yoga, any kind)? How were they structured? What did you hope to learn? What did you actually learn? More thoughts?

Forehead to the knee

2010-04-19T15:19:00.003-04:00

I did it. I actually touched my exactly forehead to my exactly knee during the second (shorter) set of Standing Head to Knee pose during the 10:30 a.m. class on Saturday, April 17. Both sides. Coming out of the second side, I was a little weebly-wobbly, but I did not fall down...

This post is the anti-insight, but I wanted to record this achievement somewhere, in case 1) it never happens again, and 2) I forget that it is possible. Both of which are pretty likely. :)

Inothernews — I spent much of my Sunday out in the yard, hoeing and raking and weeding. Classic rock blared from a neighbor's place. Between hourslong rounds of throwing the ball to the dog, I got some pea seeds (did you know that they are just, well, ummm, dried peas?) in the ground. In the afternoon, I went to Target and Lowe's. Today, I am whining about being sore from the yardwork. When did I become a caricature of a suburban 45-year-old yuppie?

(But seriously, I am amazed at what a good core workout I got.)

Hope that everyone had a swell weekend. How's the weather in your neck of the woods?

Well, helloooo there!

2010-04-08T16:45:00.006-04:00

Hi all. It's been a while, eh?

Since I last posted something other than a quote or a picture, I have:

Started a work-study yoga program (March 18). I was so nervous while I drove to the studio after work; my stomach was in some crazy knots and my heart was racing. "What if they hate me?" They didn't. They are cool.

Bought a house (March 19). Just like I said in that last post from 3/18, things were turning around—no, really. They did. Life has become really good, especially in the past week. It's nice to check off boxes on to-do lists. It's even nicer to unpack boxes, but I'm working on that.

Went back to yoga (March 21, 25, 28; April 6, 8). Despite scrubbing mirrors and vacuuming studios and cleaning showers and stocking fridges and spraying/hanging/rolling mats and emptying trashes and washing loads of towels, which is like an entire workout unto itself after I've already done the yoga, I love being around the studio. My goal is to be there at least four days a week, but I have to be there at least two to do my work-study. And that's two more days than I was practicing in a studio before. So I'll take it. :) It has been an interesting ride already. Didn't take long to have a breakdown (the 25th?), but the teacher was so compassionate about it... Felt like home.

Had a regular checkup with a fabulous doctor (March 30). Got an unfortunate wake-up call, however, with the reading on the scale—a full 25 pounds more than the weight at which I feel really, really good. It threw me for a loop. I knew my clothes weren't fitting, but daaaayyyyummmm. Ouch. I can make excuses all day about stress and eating and moving and whatever, but really. Really. For me, it has always come down to just doing the yoga. Which I haven't done on a regular basis since moving to NY. I feel good about getting this on track, if only in a less-in-depth-than-I'd-like way, for now. (On a good note, my blood pressure was fine and my cholesterol was fabulous! Go me!)

Cleaned out an apartment and moved into the house (March 30). Thank Sweet Baby Jesus we are done with the apartment!!! Now, if only I could be home for more than 10 minutes, it'd be awful nice to start to unpack and find places for things. And maybe cook those root vegetables I bought (three+ weeks ago) and start those lettuce seeds.

Took a fabulous, long, road trip (March 31-April 5). Went to boyfriend's mother's family reunion in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. We took the dog and drove the "long" way (12 hours compared to 14 hours), but it was nice because we kept the interstate/freeway driving to a minimum and enjoyed the coast. I wore a bikini in front of not-strangers, despite the weight insecurity. The South (the little that I saw) is a strange place, but with pockets of stunning beauty, such as the massive, unrelenting groves of wisteria. Pollen killed me. I love camping. Theirs is a huge family. I got to swim in the ocean... Felt like home (right down to the 58-degree water).

Returned home with a new appreciation for my little town (April 5). Beacon is truly amazing, combining everything I love about small, Main Street-y towns with convenience to nature and BIG CITY. It's all about the balance.

Had another yoga-studio breakdown (April 8). This time, the (same) instructor had a strange reaction. But I think that experience will be its own post.

Planned a manicure (April 9). One of my 30-day challenges for March worked out, anyway! I'm in a good habit of not biting my nails now. So it's kind of cool to have a little bit of a reward.

Back to the editing...

Quote: Let yourself be found

2010-03-23T10:12:00.007-04:00

{what my ride in this morning looked like; photo by the boyfriend}

"Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been
running through the streets trying to find you.
- hafiz

Lot of good changes going on 'round these parts, just super busy. Hope to update soon, right after work slows down a little bit. Keep it rockin', 101ers!

Day 17/30: Ch-ch-ch-changes

2010-03-18T15:52:00.003-04:00

Didn't practice yesterday (Wednesday) either. I spent several hours at work yesterday on the phone with various real estate folks, alternately bursting into tears and hollering. It boils down to this: If I did my job the way some of these people have performed theirs, my boss would quickly be showing me the door.

So by the time I got home last night, I was emotionally (which, for me anyway, is the same as physically) spent. Drained. Didn't help that on my walk back to the train station I somehow developed blisters on each foot. Random, right? I couldn't stand even when I wanted to. I've been dizzy, then woke up this morning with swollen glands by my ears and under my jaw. Rad.

This is one of those rare times in my life, going on a couple weeks now, when it's hard to avoid feeling like the universe is plotting against me.

Gawwwd I'm so dramatic.

But things are turning around today. The combination of my breakdown into a crying jag and being very assertive yesterday (to different people) seems to have really lubricated the wheels of the real estate people. Today, I was informed that we will now be closing on a lovely little house at 1 p.m. tomorrow, only a week later than we'd been planning (for months) on. *eyeroll*

And tonight I start my work-study at the yoga studio. I realized this morning that I've really missed sharing in a studio atmosphere. So, I am so excited to have this chance to rejoin that kind of community. It's not that I hope it's just like my old studio, because it can't possibly be. And it shouldn't be. I'm soooo looking forward to finding my place in a new place. :)

Apologies for my whine whine whine.

101-day challengers, you are getting so close!!! It's inspiring to read how people are feeling at this point in their practice. If you aren't sure about what to do on Day 102, why don't you... wait until at least Day 101 to figure it out? Hope you're all well. :)

Day 16: Simple. Good.

2010-03-17T11:52:00.004-04:00

After continued real estate infuriation and lots of time wasted last night, I went home and rolled out the mat. Maybe it was because I wasn't as warm as possible, but I really felt every tweak and twinge of my body, particularly my left shoulder/spine/ribcage. I know I'm not the only one with that issue, too.

I've been aware of that torsion (twisting) in my spine for as long as I've been practicing Bikram yoga. From the first "Arms up over your head," when it feels like my torso is twisted to about 11 o'clock on a clock face, and as though my right arm is well forward of my left arm. And then when I try to stay aware of where my body is in space, and keep my arms in the same plane, it feels really exaggerated. Bah. I want to try practicing that motion with my back against a wall.

Lately, though, something has been shifting when I bend to the left in Half-Moon. It's almost like my left shoulderblade is moving toward my shoulder (Wait, is my shoulderblade my shoulder? Maybe I should try to draw this), and forward. It's been a little easier (I use that term extremely loosely) to keep my chin up, and it feels like my left shoulder and armpit are moving not down toward my hips, but instead out and over toward the left side of my mat. The shifting is uncomfortable, but I'm pretty sure it'll be good in the long run. (That last sentence could sum up my life, btw.)

* * *

This post got me thinking about ways to do an inexpensive yoga "retreat." The method I'm planning: Find out, through word of mouth or however, about a good studio with lots of classes, as far away from home as I care to go. Maybe find out where a posture clinic is happening, and attend that studio for several days or a week beforehand. Buy a ten-class pass, maybe.

It could be in a new city, if I feel like exploring or being completely anonymous, or a familiar one, if I'd rather have a sense of where things are and how to get from Point A to Point B (and maybe a friend's couch to crash on?). Accommodations could also be in an inexpensive hotel, or maybe in a tent set up in a beautiful place (as is more my budget). It may not be as consuming, yoga-wise, as an official "retreat" with massages and food and everything taken care of, but I'd like to think that the intention is there. Setting aside real life, and time, and money of course, isn't easy. But I'd like to think I could make this a reality.

Day 15: You win some, you lose some.

2010-03-16T10:32:00.003-04:00

Didn't practice last night. I don't even have a good excuse, like I felt sick again or the world was blowing up. I just, didn't do it. Which bothers me. (Five classes shy of my 30 classes in 30 days goal, for what it's worth.)

Instead of practicing, I:
• argued with my boyfriend about our looming house purchase and how ridiculously lame the people responsible for it are acting.
• made lasagna!
• watched "The Hangover" with said boyfriend while we sort of made up over ice cream.
• stared at a census form for longer than it would have taken to fill it out, trying to decide whether to fill it out at all if I'm not going to be living there on April 1 (if the !%$%^$% mortgage folks can get their act together).

I have had this general sense of restless dissatisfaction the past few days. I don't know if it's just stress over the house thing, and lacking control over that process. But I was frustrated in my practice on Saturday (my eyes were really bothering me and it was hard to focus), I cut my finger open on Sunday, then last night I almost came to tears while spreading a cheese mixture over lasagna noodles. It wouldn't spread right and the noodles were not staying in line!!!

Seriously. Fifteen hours later and I'm still irritated about the damn lasagna (which turned out great, despite the deviant noodles).

On the plus side, though, I haven't bitten my fingernails in about two weeks, and I'm loving the pink sparkly polish. So there's that.

I have to run over the the real estate office tonight to turn in some papers (gripe grumble gripe), but after that, it is YOGA TIME. I may not eat dinner. There may be dirty laundry piled higher than my head. My dog might whine and whimper for attention. The lettuce seeds will stay unstarted. But I neeeeeeed to exorcise this aggravation. Or, at the very least, go through motions that will center me, and distract me temporarily from this...

Day 14/30 (part 2): I accomplished what I needed to.

2010-03-15T11:03:00.005-04:00

Practice last night (3/14, Pi Day!) was good. The boyfriend got home from an attempted run through mud just as I was starting Awkward Posture. His "run" was less than fulfilling, so he rolled out his mat next to mine, we skipped the iTunes back a few tracks, and he practiced with me. Then he took me out to a kickass dinner.

I'd had grand plans to cook a lot over the weekend. Assuming the next few weeks will be crazy with last-minute new house stuff, I wanted to have healthy, hearty food ready to pop in the oven at night, or ready to grab while we're running out the door in the morning. I stocked up on lots of veggies at the store Saturday, planning to make a soup or two, scones, bread, lasagna, and roasted root vegetables. I also wanted to start seeds for my garden-to-be at the new place...

I made the bread, anyway. (It's good.)

So I didn't get done what I wanted to. But I got in two solid yoga practices, and met with a studio owner to start a work-study program. That's what I needed to do.

Maybe I'll get to the lasagna tonight?

Days 12, 13, 14/30: Ending on a high note

2010-03-14T18:07:00.004-04:00

Day 12: Friday. I didn't practice Thursday night because I was headache-y and barfy when I got home from work. Friday, more of the same, plus sore throat. I was in bed at 8:30. Four classes down; this is not good...

Day 13: Saturday. I slept til 10:30 on Saturday morning! I never sleep that much. Crazy. Woke up with the same sore throat, but it went away after a few hours. Thought about going to the $10 karma/donation class at the studio 45 minutes away, but decided to save myself lots of time and do a hot-as-possible class at home. how did I accomplish this? I baked bread and squash all day, so the apartment was warm; it was humid because it's rained for three days; boyfriend built a fire and I ran the space heater; and I left my fleece on over my thermal long-sleeved shirt the whole 90 minutes. Sweaty!

It was probably one of my "worst" home practices. My contact lenses were really bothering me, so it was hard to focus on whichever spot on the wall was representing my eyes or knees at any given time. The lenses just kept moving around. To add to my list of good things about practicing at home: Cursing is less frowned upon. Again, Leo the dog assisted:

(This picture is from a few weeks ago, but this is what he does. Here, his head is tucked under my arm. He was making sure my "exactly forehead" was on my knee.)

Despite the challenging practice, I didn't sleep that well. High winds have accompanied the rain, and we're living in fear that tree branches will come flying through the window at any time. But particularly in the middle of the night.

Day 14: Sunday (today). The real estate office was showing our apartment this afternoon, so we tried to go for a hike. Alas, the place we wanted to go was closed. So we wandered around down by the Hudson instead. (Here's a picture, not by me, of what it looked like.) Walking back to the car, my phone rang with a weird number, so I almost didn't answer it. But then I did, and it was the owner of the 45-minutes-away studio!!! She was calling about work-study, and asked when I could meet her to talk about it. She had a class getting out at 4:30 could I come then?

I raced down there, walked in at 4:33, and walked out at 4:39 with a job! Woooohoooo!!! I start Thursday night, vacuuming and cleaning mirrors (she didn't mention washing towels, but I imagine that'd be part of it, too). I'm so, so, so excited. I have absolutely no idea why she is letting me do this (she doesn't know me at all!), but I am so humbled and honored. Weekend morning doubles, here I come!

Now it's time for me to fire up the heater and roll out the mat. I want to get a good practice in before continuing to cook. I hope you all had a great weekend!

xoxo

11/30: Sick and Tired

2010-03-12T09:04:00.003-05:00

Felt barfy and headachy last night on the train ride home. Maybe something in my lunch didn't sit well? So I didn't practice last night. Feel pretty lame about being down three classes again, but there will be doubles this (rainy, therefore climbing-free) weekend. Regardless of how this 30-day challenge looks on March 30, I am stoked that I have already gotten into a habit of practicing more, and being really excited again about this yoga of ours...

We also found out yesterday that the closing on our house, which was supposed to be today, is going to be pushed back at least a week because of mistakes made on the financial folks' end. Ugh. We needed as many weekends as possible to get it ready to move in. Now, we're hoping to have two. I suppose that means I will have extra time to yoga it up, since I won't be shuttling boxes between Home A and Home B. Woohoo!

We're getting my favorite weather here this weekend, a little chilly with rain. Besides the yoga, I hope to start some seeds for a garden — even though I don't yet know where I'm going to put the trays. I have seeds for basil and mixed lettuces. A friend sent kohlrabi seeds from Germany, but I don't know much about that vegetable. It was so fun being a wannabe gardener last year; I hope to grow much more produce this summer!

Happy Friday to each and every one of you. :)

Day 10/30: Yoga to the People

2010-03-11T11:58:00.005-05:00

The boyfriend had a meeting "upstate" at 7:30 last night, so wouldn't be able to pick me up from the train station. So I made an after-work date with David's Bridal to try on bridesmaid dresses for my friend's October wedding. Hey, I thought, I could get out of there in time to do some yoga! So I brought my yoga clothes with me to work.

And I'm so glad I did! There is nothing like bridesmaid-dress-trying-on to motivate one to work out. It's irrelevant that most of those dresses are universally unflattering. The yoga studio had a 6:30 class just three blocks from the store, so after trying on four dresses and taking the requisite pictures for my friend, I made a beeline for the studio.

I had looked into going to another studio near work where one of the Bikram 101 challengers often practices, but HOLY SMOKES! Their single-class price is up to $30! Zoinks. Maybe that's to give students an incentive to buy a many-class package, but I can't afford one of those right now. So off I went to Yoga to the People, where classes are just 10 bucks. The only other time I've been there (in November I think?), I was worried about the quality of the instruction, and was so, so pleasantly surprised. They may not be an affiliated Bikram studio, but that teacher had clearly been to training and was A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

The studio was packed as usual when I got there. I didn't have any cash with me, and they don't take cards. Yikes! Awk-ward. But the girl working the desk and the woman who was to teach just told me not to worry about it; I could hit an ATM in the neighborhood after class and pay then. That was such a nice surprise. I set up my rented mat ($2) in the back (third) row, in one of the few remaining spaces. It felt really cool to not have an attachment to needing to be near the mirror.

A funny thing I noticed the first time at this studio, and this may be true of many classes in New York, was that students are really, umm, vocal with their breath. In the first breathing exercise, there was the slight hissing/snoring sound that I've heard at a couple studios, same as the noise sometimes demonstrated by teachers for new students. But the exhale, oh man, the exhale. It's like an actual vocal exercise. I really don't know how to describe it. You know the noise some people make when they see a cute baby (or baby animal, in my case)? That Awwwwwwww? Well, the exhale noise is like that, but breathier. It's not quite a moan, but certainly approximates it.

It's so foreign to me, but I have on more than one occasion felt like I am really restrained in producing noise with my body. (That sounds bizarre.) I guess I've just never really found that place in myself that experiences anything other than awkwardness when deliberately trying to create some kind of primal sound. For me, for me, there is nothing authentic about it and so it feels like a waste of time and for me, dignity.

BUT!

I realized last night that many of the students there are likely actors, singers, or other kinds of performers. So many of them have practiced working with their breath, and have exercises that mimic pranayama breathing, but with that additional step of warming up the vocal cords. Once I figured that out, the breathing didn't seem melodramatic. It just seemed like an extension of their other passions. Which, to me, is pretty awesome.

The instructor was fabulous. The woman (I think her name was Kati, like kah-tee) has been teaching for 25 years (not sure if it's been Bikram the whole time) and she was amazing. Super, super strong, very deliberate with instructions for anatomy, good energy, good with the new students. I don't know this woman at all, and she never called me by name (students write their names on a sticker that goes by the mat), but just by her presence, I was pushed to go deeper into some postures. It's possible that was my deepest floor bow since moving to New York — it felt like my stuck shoulders were finally, finally, opening up. (I would give anything to have a photo of the time three years ago that my old studio owner picked me up by the wrists while I was in this posture. I wish I could see where my shoulders were then, because they actually feel better now.)

Today, I'm not too sore. I feel it most in my feet, and in my left knee, which had another rough/tight class. It's really interesting to feel something happening there. I imagine I must have developed a bad biomechanical habit when I busted my ankle in November, and now (despite post-activity tenderness in the ankle) I'm working through the mechanics. It's good. :) With the exception of some unfortunate loose short-shorts slippage on a guy in front of me during the spine-strengthening series (really, I was overdue for some kind of sighting like this), and some aching guts due to eating fabulous tacos for lunch, it was a great, great class. That studio packs people in, but people are respectful despite being mat to mat.

Another note: I really like my peace and quiet in savasana. On Sunday I got all snippy about people slamming the door at that studio. Well, here, after class, people were whispering (but 50 people whispering adds up, noisewise) and the studio doors are opened to the lobby (I don't know if this was just last night, or is always the case) where people are arriving for the 8:30 class. It was LOUD!

Then I remembered something in Bikram's orange book. It's nice if you can meditate in a soothing place that smells good, with an altar and whatever else you need to achieve total serenity and oneness with the universe. But one point of his yoga is to help us get to the point where we can meditate under any circumstances, whether we're upside down in a hot room or sitting in traffic in Los Angeles when it's 90 degrees and the car's air conditioner doesn't work.

This is my challenge, my opportunity. To be able to go inward to find that quiet, still place. I wonder if this is linked in any way to my difficulties with rabbit posture, if it is truly the opposite of camel (which I usually find fun, without the difficult physical and emotional experiences so many others have). Rabbit brings up in me the same things I often hear mentioned with camel. So, time to look inward.

Namaste, kids!

Mat towel?

2010-03-10T10:55:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine just asked, "Can you recommend a good Bikram towel?"

Now, I am cheap and lazy, so I grab whichever one is around the house and doesn't smell too bad. But I see lots of people using the yogitoes one, and these ones from Breathe (who used to make awesome shorts; where did they go?) look cool too.

So, folks, what are your towel preferences?

Day 9/30: Also, there's rarely a line for the shower.

2010-03-10T00:00:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite/least favorite things about having a home practice is that I never miss the last class. Tonight's, for example, started at 10:30. It was silent, except for the heater and my quite labored breath, but it was fabulous.

I kept remembering two Bikramisms: "Struggle harder!" and "Try the right way." I think I did both of those OK tonight. My muscles feel so tight, but I also feel stronger than I have in a long time, so I must be doing something right. Right?

OK, time to go get my six hours of sleep. Glad I didn't get further behind!

Day 8/30: Drained

2010-03-09T10:45:00.005-05:00

{home}
"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea."

(I first saw that quote a few years ago, I think in a surfing-related context, and I've seen it a million places lately, and I love it to no end. It's by Karen Blixen, aka Isak Dinesen. I will try not to hold the "Out of Africa" movie against her, although it bored me to tears in high school. After reading a little more about her, maybe I should give it another shot. She had quite the interesting life!)

I didn't practice last night, kind of a letdown after my double Sunday. Had a relaxing dinner and a movie with the boyfriend instead (can you believe this was the first time I've seen "Say Anything"? I swear I was alive in the ’80s). I hardly drank water at all yesterday and last night, and I've been paying for it by feeling like absolute crap. Lesson learned and I am guzzling today!

So I'm two classes behind in my 30-day challenge. I'm looking forward to 1) not missing any more, and 2) a few more doubles, maybe just for fun!

Day 7/30: Maybe it was the eggs Benedict?

2010-03-08T15:42:00.004-05:00

I got up at 6 on Sunday morning and was out the door by 6:30. I had set my yoga gear by the door the previous night, so I wouldn't forget my mat, as has happened at least once before. The two-hour drive north was beautiful as the sun came up and warmed everything... It feels like spring! At the beginning of my drive, I had half a cup of coffee (sounds crazy but having some is essential for me), a banana, and a little bit of farina (generic Cream of Wheat) that happened to be in the fridge. My belly was feeling good when I got to the studio. I could probably have gone without the farina, but I wanted to start a long yoga day with plenty of carbs.

Class was good. As planned, I snagged a spot in the first row, in a corner. I've only ever been in/around that spot in that studio; no one ever told me it's the hottest part of the room. Teacher-friend complimented me and another student on our backbends while we were in them, so of course I looked over (while backbent) to see where the other student was, and we pushed each other even further. It was cool! My friend had been teasing me about Triangle before class, remembering how I'd totally and completely sucked at it a few years ago when we were both in Utah. I warned her that it had gotten better as I got stronger with my home practice. Well, Triangle came along in class and I think she was pretty much dumbfounded. Yes!! Score one for my nascent hamstrings. (She was standing behind me, and I couldn't resist whispering a "Told ya so...") Also, she helped me out in Half-Tortoise. Awesome.

Pretty sure I got deeper into most postures than I do at home, which was so nice; the heat is my friend. But this studio is DAMN hot, the only place I've ever felt like my skin is actually on fire. Also, and it could be me, I feel like I am under heat lamps here. The lights burn my brains out and make it really hard to want to keep my eyes open during floor series savasanas. I recognize, though, that this is all a test! Apparently I passed, because I didn't claw my eyes out or find ways to blow the lights' fuses. And I just sipped water, which was cool. I guess I'm just not in the habit of doing it anymore (since there's really no reason to when I'm home, not sweating like crazy).

A couple strange things happened: I got a really bad headache in class at some point. Then about 20 minutes later, it was gone. Uhh, OK. Something was just moving along, I guess. Then in Kapalbhati breathing at the end, my left knee seized up like crazy! It felt like there were shards of glass in it, so we moved gingerly after that... After spending forever and a day in Savasana (note to students: Could you try not slamming the studio door while everyone's resting? kthx) I was fine, and apparently the knee was too. Weird!

Teacher-friend, her friend and I went out to brunch, then hung out with their dogs and walked around town a little bit to kill time before my class at 4 (the silent-but-with-music-wtf? class). Despite my pre-emptive caffeination and plenty of water, then more water with Emergen-C after class, the in-class headache had returned, and with a blinding vengeance. Ugh. I was not looking forward to driving home (into the sun) with a migraine, but didn't think I could take another class.

I'd decided to go home anyway and do a single set of the series at night, but then... friend's friend had some errands to run before they'd do dinner, so I JOKINGLY suggested that she take the 4 p.m. class with me to kill time. Much to my surprise, she said yes. So it was decided: I was really going to double up.

Ooohhhhhh, the "silent" class.*

My understanding had been that it would be led by someone who counts out the postures, maybe controls the heat, too? This was not that. And I never did get a good explanation for why the "silent" class has a musical soundtrack, which ranged from soft-alternative-ish-mellow-rock (meh) to Annie Lennox (whom I love, but not when I'm sweating buckets or trying to), to something that sounded like a Bruce Springsteen song being sung in Mongolian. No, seriously. And it wouldn't end. Finally, the last thing I want to hear when I'm in the Savasana between the standing series and spine-strengthening series is a tortured rendition of "Amazing Grace." Nothing could relax me less.

Maybe I wouldn't have minded the tunes so much if my fellow students weren't also attempting to commit grand larceny with my peace. People were toweling off between every posture. I could hear water being gulped, frequently. People were up and down and leaving the room and blah blah blah blah blah sigh... I should keep in mind the bottom line: I wanted to have two classes in a hot studio in a day, and I did that. I got good corrections and feedback in the first class, and I really tuned in with my breath and the collective energy in the second class. One thing I can say for the students at that studio - they are really, really enthusiastic about Bikram yoga. Maybe it's not as "disciplined" (others might say uptight?) as where I practiced before, but the studio is relatively new, too. And maybe, just maybe, I need to take myself and practicing a little less seriously.

Great news: The headache was gone for good after the second class!

* It is entirely possible that none of this would have bugged me if I didn't have a headache, or if these things had occurred in isolation. But the combination was just too much.

This morning, everything was sore. The first muscle I noticed was toward the base of one of my fingers. Really, how does that muscle get a killer workout? But it's been good to feel my body all day. My biceps and lower back, especially, feel very stretched. Can't wait to double up again — if there's a silent class this time, though, it'll probably be at home.

Days 5/6: Double double

2010-03-06T22:40:00.004-05:00

Friday night's practice was just fine. I love that the boyfriend "made" me practice, and cooked a kickass dinner while I was suffering 90 minutes (not 90 years) (among things Bikram says on the CD that play on "shuffle" in my head throughout the day).

I repaid the favor by hiking up some serious hills today so he could climb, and I'd belay him. It sounds almost risqué, but it just means that I hold the ropes so he doesn't smash his head open or get hurt very badly in a fall from a story or three in the air... We got up to the cliff, and it was too snowy for him to set up an anchor. Ah well. It was 50 degrees and GORGEOUS outside, and I had fun, despite tweaking my ankle (again! grrr.) in a wretched mix of snow and mud.

He left to do groceries, leaving me (and Leo) to yoga, but then a friend called and talked for... 90 minutes. No joke. We hung up moments before Bryan walked back in with dinner fixins. Since I'd planned on yoga-ing while he was out, and then relaxing the rest of the night with him, I went ahead and honored the second part of the plan. The burritos and wine were so worth it. :)

It's easy to think, well, it's the first week of my challenge and already I've missed two classes; what's the point in trying to do this? Well, my friends, doing it is the point. I'm not too worried, either, about getting in my 30 classes in 30 days. Know why? I have a double tomorrow. No doubt I can fit another one in at some point. That's what weekends are for!

I have to be out the door by 6:30 a.m. tomorrow to make it up to my friend's 9 a.m. class, two hours north of here. (Why the extra half-hour, you ask? I need a good spot, so I can be a mirror-hog!) Brunch afterward, then bumming around Saratoga Springs until the "silent class" (set to music? huh?) at 4.

Soooo looking forward to my day of yoga and friends tomorrow. Hope you all are feeling peaceful and content. :)
xoxo

Day 5/30 (part 1): Really?

2010-03-05T19:33:00.001-05:00

Just walked in the door from work. The boyfriend is "commanding" me to do my yoga. Funny guy...

Day 4/30: I felt strong!!!

2010-03-05T10:02:00.005-05:00

I practiced again last night, and realized it was the first time in a long time that I'd done two consecutive days of Bikram's series. (A year ago, when I was still working nights, I often practiced an hour of Anusara or Ashtanga with Yoga Today on consecutive mornings.) Last night was FUN! And I felt STRONG! After the "final spinal," I goofed off with crow and crane pose, and practice for headstands. I don't think I've ever tried crane before, but it was fun! Pretty good stuff, if you ask me.

Posture-specific notes I want to remember:
Something in my left shoulder/ribcage is moving in half-moon. Go with it. Trust the process. ... Saw the back of my mat in the backbend. No idea whether I've ever paid attention before. ... I locked my knees in the forward bend (got to LOVE practicing at night!). ... Got as low as I ever have in the second part of awkward, with no pain in my busted left foot/ankle. ... Quads felt strong, and "pulled up" (as we used to say in ballet) in standing head to knee and standing bow. ... Felt a good kind of tingly-burny-energy in my left hip and sciatic during triangle. My hamstrings cramped, so they must actually exist, somewhere. ... I got my forehead to my knee in standing separate leg head to knee! ... Leo (the dog) likes to lick feet in wind-removing pose. Actually, during any pose. ... New way of doing half-tortoise seems to be working; keep the fulcrum back. ... Kept knees engaged and heels off the floor in the last stretching pose, and got elbow almost all the way down. It's so good to feel strong. ...

The last time I did a 30-day challenge was in August 2007. I didn't blog about it. I didn't write about it. I didn't really have a goal with it, other than to have stickers on every day of a little calendar. Looking back, I don't think it was about any kind of personal growth. I think I knew, subconsciously, that I was on the verge of a really difficult life transition, and going to the studio every day was a way to avoid dealing with my real life. (Also, working 10+ hour days is a good way to avoid real life.)

The first week of September 2007, I took my first trip out here. Eight months later, I was driving east on I-80 with a U-Haul trailer. I've never thought about it like this, but it would seem that that challenge was a gateway to this, this mostly amazing, mostly fulfilling life that I'm in the middle of now.

Of course, things often look better in the rear-view mirror, right? :D

I have high hopes/ambitious plans to take three Bikram classes (including one with no instruction, set to music, all of which I have mixed-to-negative feelings about, but it can't be "worse" than my home practice) in two studios, as well as climb rocks (or at least help the BF do that), this weekend. What about you guys? I hope it's warming up and drying out wherever you are, too. :) Have a fantastic weekend!

Day 3/30: A Goldilocks kind of day

2010-03-04T13:49:00.005-05:00

On March 1, I couldn't stop biting my nails, but did some pretty good yoga. On the 2nd, I didn't bite my nails at all, but I didn't practice, either. Yesterday, whatever I did was just right.

I walked around for an hour yesterday during my lunch, and found a few new (to me) yoga studios near work, including an actual affiliated Bikram studio. Yay! I hope to make one of the 5:30 or 6 p.m. classes there soon. Maybe the week after next, once I a) get paid again and b) know something about the house closing date.

The regular train home waited just for me (woohoo!) and the BF headed to the pool to swim. Even the dog's low-for-him energy level conspired to help me have a good practice last night. Yay!

I felt pretty good, energy- and pain-level wise, so I started out doing the whole (both sets) standing series. When I got to Triangle, I felt wasted and thought about switching to the single-set iTunes playlist, but decided to plug on through at least Triangle. It would have been lame to switch only during one of my most challenging postures. But it went fine.

Re: Triangle - I have definitely lost a ton of flexibility since moving to NY (and quitting a near-daily practice), but I have come so far with my strength. For the longest time I was skeptical that I actually had hamstrings to use in this pose, but over the past few months they have helped keep me upright in Triangle, instead of sliding out into the splits.

So I switched to the single set before the spine-strengthening series. I didn't want to overdo everything last night and then be completely drained today. As always, it felt so good to move through the series. This yoga is amazing, folks, although if you're reading this you probably already know that.

Not to whine, but it can be hard to practice at home — I miss studios' heat, the feedback, the excitement of others, the heat, mirrors, "talking shop," and oh, did I mention the heat? But I have noticed that I have more energy and excitement to practice lately! I can only chalk it up to becoming part of this blogging community we've got goin' on here.

It could be that something like this is happening:
The best class I took after my 10-day Bikram intro in August ’04 was in May of 2006 (I loved it, and went a couple times, but couldn't afford it and was working and caregiving, both full-time). It was Memorial Day weekend, and my hot-water heater had blown up on Friday night. By Monday I desperately needed a shower. The only place I could think of that I could take one? Bingo! Bikram Yoga Sandy, just down the road from where I lived.

I checked their schedule and they only had one class on the holiday!!! Needless to say, it was packed, maybe 50 people? A lot, anyway, for that little studio. I was kind of tripped out and bugged that I wouldn't be able to see myself in the mirror. Much to my surprise, everyone in the room became super cheerleaders for everyone else. The energy level was amazing! No one left, and I don't think very many people sat out postures, either. We all lifted one another up (literally, of course, in Full Locust).

So even though I've been practicing all by my lonesome, for the most part, I have all the other blog writers and readers to help lift me up and share energy. The compassion that has flowed through comment sections across Blogger and WordPress astounds me. I can't thank this nebulous you enough for this, for helping me return to something I need so intensely for my mental and physical health.

* * * * *

A word (or many, it turns out) on fibromyalgia:
This came up in yesterday's post/comments about my experience of a pain/fatigue complex. This was at The New York Times' website today, and I think it's commendable that they're showing some of the many faces this syndrome can take. But reading the comments broke my heart. It shouldn't matter what causes someone's pain; I would hope that compassion could be shown toward people who are in any kind of pain, regardless of its genesis.

I consider myself lucky to have discovered ways that work for me in calming my nervous system (someone else's story here). One commenter (No. 126) at the Times story said a few things that resonated. Among them: "[T]he more you don’t move, the more your muscles get locked in, the more pain you’re in, the harder it is to get going. It’s a vicious cycle. But start slowly." Although I sometimes feel like I'm cheating, or being lazy, when I only do a single set of the Bikram series, this affirms a little bit that I can only do what I can, when I can. Sometimes I have good "classes," like last night, when I started out with both sets of everything. And whenever I have the opportunity to be in a studio, I bust my ass to try to do everything! With a memorable exception, it usually goes well. :)

xoxo to all!

Day 2/30: Well, I didn't bite my nails, anyway.

2010-03-02T23:59:00.000-05:00

I felt great, if a little sore, on Tuesday after the previous night's yoga. Because I only did a single set of the series, I tried to work every posture as much as possible, because I only had one shot at it. It's usually a good system for me when I'm strapped for time and trying to balance obligations. It feels like a copout compared to the way I used to practice, but I don't do myself any favors when I compare now to then.

I didn't get a seat on the train home last night so I didn't get that good nap, and I walked partway home from the train station (uphill, naturally), so by the time I got home it was later and I was even more exhausted than usual. Every part of my body hurt. (I have a weird pain condition where, basically, my nerves don't know how to distinguish between normal sensation and pain sensation, so they just freak out and everything becomes a pain sensation. Rad.) That pain, like so many things, gets worse with stress and lack of sleep.

The BF had to work on work, so I concocted dinner. Which I was really excited about. Really, I was! But picking apart a roasted, then slow-cooked, chicken and separating meat and fat and stock and trying to not step on the dog and making soup, well, let's just say it was a bit intense. Dinner wasn't done till almost 9, but it was SO good and nourishing. And I was so happy to have dealt with the chicken. (I'd worried it would go bad when the power was out for 3 days and I buried everything from the fridge/freezer in the 3 feet of snow we got. It was fine.)

To his credit, the BF was very encouraging, saying that I'd feel so good if I just did at least a half-hour before bed. But I was toast. Toast. It took an inordinate amount of effort to lift my arm to brush my teeth. I hate when the pain/exhaustion gets me like this...

So I blew off the yoga on Day 2, and normally this would really get me down on myself. One of those failures of a "why even bother, all-or-nothing" attitude. But — I have an opportunity to take two classes at a studio on Sunday, and I'm really psyched to do my first double in a long time (at least two years).

The only way I've ever been able to subdue the pain/exhaustion syndrome has been to practice yoga regularly, and taking it easy when my body is screaming at me. So until Sunday, I'm going to push less in my postures, and work with the range of motion in a more gentle way. But I'm not giving up on my 30 days.

Day 1/30

2010-03-01T22:45:00.002-05:00

I started a 30-day challenge tonight. Well, two of them, really. Not biting my nails for 30 days, and doing yoga every day for 30 days.

Obviously, the former is vanity-driven. To my embarrassment, the latter is as well - at least waaayyyyy more than I'd like to admit. I know all the wonderful and amazing things this yoga has done for me in the past. I could use a shot in the arm of "feelin' great!" and clarity, etc, etc, blah blah blah.

Here's the thing, though:
I'm taking a trip to the beach (South Carolina, never been!) on March 31 and unless there is three feet of snow like we got here over the weekend, I fully intend to wear as little clothing as possible and get some color on my belly and do my San Diego roots some justice. But I'm at least 15 pounds heavier than when I bought that last swimsuit.

So it's time to get serious. Again. I just finished Day 1's single set of the Bikram series, despite feeling like going straight to bed when I got home much later than usual, then dealing with my landlord (last time handing in rent! Woohoo!!!).

The fact that my back was seizing up all day (shit, I just chewed a nail) was a huge motivating factor for me to practice tonight. An hourlong walk at lunch didn't help much, though the weather was nice-ish and it felt good to move. So even though it's already an hour later than I usually go to bed, I'm feeling good. They say that 30 seconds in half-tortoise gives you the same relaxative (That is so not a word. Um. "Relaxatory"? No? I need an adjective for relax-y) benefits as eight hours of sleep. Since that is one of my tougher postures, I did it four or five times once I'd finished everything else. So really, it's like I got a whole week of sleep, right?

I doubt I'd be doing this if it weren't for the 101 Challengers and other bloggers, so thanks everybody for the inspiration!

Now, time to hit the shower. :)

"The right way is the hard way."

2010-02-25T10:52:00.005-05:00

Last night, I walked out of the train and into a soggy, dirty, mess of a town. Despite some workday text messages with the boyfriend about practicing yoga, I was thinking the whole ride home that it'd be so much easier to just to heat up some leftovers, make a fire, and sink into the couch to watch that "Say Anything" Netflix that's been sitting around for a few days too many.

His enthusiasm, however, hadn't flagged. He'd turned on the space heater an hour before I even got home. Then he built a fire while I tried to make a treat bomb (fill this with peanut butter, banana and various treats) for our dog, who is slightly hyper and needy.

The fireplace and space heater were blazing, so in sweatpants, long-sleeve shirts and hoodies, we began CD "class." Just like in the studio, he did really well. I saw him kicking out in standing head to knee, and wondered if his standing leg was locked (I know I've seen a lot of beginners, especially guys with tight hamstrings, kick out despite a bent standing knee). It was locked! I was so proud.

Half-moon has been a "comfortable" posture, at least mentally, for a long time. That first bend to the right feels so, so good. The particular twists and turns of my scoliosis (which has returned only after lacking a regular practice for nearly two years) make the right side "easy." Even at home, when it's not "studio-hot," I can get some good depth...

But the left side, oh man. It's so hard. Those same twists and turns conspire to keep the left side stiff. Recently I even identified "fear" as a sensation as I start that bend. I am not sure what it is I am scared of. The word has popped into my head a few times as I start to bend to the left, when I feel the first twinge that my shoulder blade and spine are shifting... Because of my spine's rotation, it is extra hard to pull my left shoulder and ribcage forward and my right side back. Sure, it would be easy to plop down, and have nearly the same silhouette as the right side, but it would be wrong.

Bikram says in the orange book, among other places, that there is only one way [to do things], and that is the right way. And the right way is the hard way.

In the not-studio-hot room at home, I have no choice (after typing that, I hear in my head Bikram's voice from the CD: "is like Indian marriage, no choice") but to focus on my postures' form, and not worry about depth. I had no idea until I sat down to write this how much I relied on the heat to help me attain "depth" in the postures. Stretching has become harder, but I am focusing more on correct alignment, and I'm feeling new muscles.

So although maintaining a practice can be hard, both mentally (motivationally? is that even a word?) and physically, I know it's the right way to do things. Today I feel lighter. It actually feels like my spine is longer, like my ribs are further from my hips (three-quarters of an inch instead of a half-inch, maybe). The walk in to work today was pleasant, despite the rain. My neck is a little sore, my abs are a little sore, and my back is a little sore. I'm happy to feel my body like that, because those are all little reminders that I was doing things the right way. At least for one night. :)

Practicing with dizziness?

2010-02-23T14:17:00.002-05:00

I've had a head/chest cold for about a week now. As of yesterday (Monday) morning, I'm dizzy more often than I'm not. Weird, huh?

Sunday night, I was anxious and irritated and even while I was trying to take a nice, relaxing bath, I could feel my muscles tensing up and my attitude becoming more and more unpleasant. I'd had the heater on in the bathroom and my face was sweating in the bath (I do realize this sounds like it could be going in an unsavory direction...).

It was strange. I started feeling nauseous. I tried to stand up to take a shower and was really dizzy, seeing stars and ringing ears and all of that. I *know* I didn't get any water deep in my ears.

Maybe it was some kind of detoxing? That's kind of what it felt like. Ew.

Anyway - I want to practice, but I'm worried about practicing while I'm still a little dizzy. Any suggestions/ideas?

3 days, 2 classes, 1 studio...

2010-02-19T12:08:00.000-05:00

... and 0 clean, dry towels left at home.
And I couldn't be happier. :)

Has it really been almost a week since I went back to a studio? Amazing. The boyfriend mentioned wanting to do some yoga last weekend, so I checked the websites of the two closest studios. Dingdingding!!! We had a winner. The studio 40 minutes southeast of us had a $10 donation-based class scheduled at just the right time on Saturday.

We went, the owner taught, the heat was perfect, I loved it, B loved it. I'd been to this studio only twice before: on Thanksgiving 2008, and some random day last year. Always good experiences, it's just kinda far away, and at 20 bucks a pop for regular classes, kinda expensive, too. It's especially hard to consider joining when we're about to buy a house and money will be even tighter than before. I love this job, and I can't put a price tag on contentment, but taking a 15% cut has some practical consequences...

I got two interesting corrections in class, that directly contradict what I've been taught before and have read in Bikram's books. I did the postures "her way" after the corrections, out of respect for her teacherness, but I still wonder.

First, for the third part of locust, she told us to put our foreheads on the towel. Not just kiss the towel, but tuck the chin all the way to get the forehead down. I was like, But if I do that, I won't get my callus back under my chin!!! Just kidding. I was really thinking, My nose! It's broken!!! The boyfriend actually has quite a large nose. I don't really know how/if he did it the way she said. But damned if I didn't get my legs way higher in the second set. Have any other yogis/yoginis heard this?

Second, in janushirasana, the head-to-knee pose toward the end of class, she told me to grab my foot and stretch toward my foot, with a flat back, before tucking my chin and touching my head to my knee. More like the setup for standing head to knee than, say, rabbit. I had always been taught to grab my foot, then curl down. "This is a compression posture first, and a stretching posture second." Right? No? Thoughts?

B had taken a Bikram class five-plus years ago in a studio in southern San Diego, and he liked it. A few nights before the Saturday class, we ran through a single set of the series at home. So maybe those two things helped him on Saturday: At the end of class, the teacher/studio owner congratulated him on his first class, and said that maybe he was really a spy student from headquarters sent by Bikram to check on the studio. (That sounds almost creepy now, but it was just sweet and funny when she said it.)

Saturday night and Sunday we peeked in at YogaCup.com to watch the asana championship. I didn't see any of my old Utah friends, including Marc, compete, but an old teacher of mine was representing Nevada. I was so excited when she won the national competition, with the most beautiful smile on her face the entire time! My computer/the live feed was screwing up on Sunday, so I didn't get the "streaming" experience, but I saw choppy pieces of another incredible performance by Brandy. She was always such a great teacher, and I had the privilege of practicing next to her several times.

Did that alone inspire me to get to class on Monday, when dead presidents got me a day off from work? I don't know. But I went back. The teacher (not the same one) had me move my mat to a weird, awkward place (I think because we were starting class while waiting for a couple people, and she wanted to save them spots in the middle row? I think? But they never showed.), then she was rapid-fire with the dialogue. Nothing but. There was no room for light or air in her delivery. Most teachers, if not all the ones I've had, will chill out for at least one or two of the pranayama breaths and just count to six on the inhale and exhale a few times. Not this lady. I was so aggravated and rubbed the wrong way! I don't think I've ever left class before, but I was thisclose on Monday.

In the setup for triangle, she was speaking so fast that I literally couldn't understand her. She was like a drill sergeant auctioneer. Unbelieveable. But by this point I was having a decent class, strong enough/flexible enough, but also one where it's just enough that you got to the studio. You know? After class I was thanking her for teaching, and out came these words: "I came in here today with really low energy and you were just 'boom, boom, boom' (snapping my fingers) and I didn't have a choice but to go with it." Whaddya know. My subconscious came through. It's not you, it's me.

I ended up talking with her for about 20 minutes, and she's great. Her daughter is a teacher, too. The daughter's first class taught after returning from training? My Thanksgiving class in ’08. I remember that she knew Utah friend Marc at training. Another guy from that training teaches at the studio and was in Monday's class. Amazing how this little yoga world of ours works.

She encouraged me to come back often. I mentioned sucky finances and that I'd done work-study in Utah. She said I should talk to the owner about work-study there. I was like, Ummmm, I've come here four times in three years. Usually it doesn't work like that? But I guess with them knowing I've been practicing at home, they are less inclined to think that I'm just a wannabe moocher. The owner is headed to Barcelona for the Bikram seminar (with bloggers aHappyYogi and Johan, too!) in less than two weeks, and I don't know whether to email her before or after. Sooner's probably better, huh? How do I ask? Sheesh. I think my old studio owners would give me a good reference.

It was soooo nice to get back into a studio, not just for the heat, but for the community, too. Sometimes we talk about how we can feed off of one another's energy during class, and lift one another up during some postures, especially triangle and full locust. Well, I think the concept applies to the whole studio experience, too. I get more stoked on yoga in general when I'm around other people who are excited about it. Isn't there some physics/chemistry concept about attraction that addresses this? (Gonna have to look that up... Ninth-grade chemistry was 14 years ago. Shit - half a lifetime. Moving on...)

So now I have this itching, burning feeling in my belly. I find myself daydreaming and conniving about how and when I can get back to practicing in a studio.

Congratulations to the Bikram 101 Challengers!!! I probably wouldn't be going through any of this if I hadn't seen the group on Facebook last December and gotten intrigued. Thanks to the organizers — here, here, and here. :) You guys are halfway done (Action JoJo, you're not far behind!), and you inspire me every day! Keep rocking it, worldwide yogis!

Stalling (and a funny book)

2010-02-09T10:28:00.006-05:00

I was just walking down the hall at work, and an urge to do triangle struck me. It almost felt like my hip sockets were itchy.

So I took a detour to the ladies' room, where the extra-large disabled stall awaited. No one was in there, so I proceeded to bust out some half-moon ("rightandleftandrightandleft, 10, 15 times," echoing in my brain). Then I angled, awkwardly, diagonally across the stall for a little workplace trikonasana. It felt good to get into my hips! Couldn't get them down as far as I wanted to, to really get into those sockets, but it was better than nothing! Definitely the strangest place I've ever "practiced."

So readers, I want to know: What is the most unusual place you've ever struck a pose?

I found this funny book at the library last week:

This picture, on the back, made me wonder if these ladies know the awesomeness that is the second part of awkward pose?

It's gorgeously clear and cold out now, but we're expecting up to a foot of snow through Thursday morning... It's not much compared to my southerly neighbors, and I lived in Utah for eight years, so I know a good storm, but man... I guess you can take the girl out of San Diego, but you can't take San Diego out of the girl. It would be awful nice to stay home tomorrow, curling up with a good book, the dog, and some tea in front of my fireplace while it dumps snow outside. I don't mind snow, as long as I don't have to do anything in it.

I hope everyone is having a beautiful day!

Quote

2010-02-08T13:39:00.004-05:00

{source}

"I would not exchange the laughter of my heart for the fortunes of the multitudes; nor would I be content with converting my tears, invited by my agonized self, into calm. It is my fervent hope that my whole life on this earth will ever be tears and laughter".
~Kahlil Gibran

Have been feeling so much better since writing that last post. I've always had the hardest time with calming my mind in savasana; the whole "acknowledge each thought and let it pass, as a cloud," kinda thing. It's just rarely worked for me. Well, I acknowledged many of my difficult thoughts in that last post, and they have passed... Just like those clouds.

Many thanks to everyone who commented. I was so surprised and humbled by the reflectiveness, honesty, and compassion that came though. :)

Peeling the onion

2010-02-03T10:58:00.004-05:00

Last night I just about went crazy looking for a very important piece of paperwork. Who knew I needed a copy of my divorce decree to apply for a mortgage? I've only done each of these things once; I don't know what kind of paperwork you need to have on hand. The divorce was so basic and simple that it never occurred to me that I'd need documentation of a settlement — there wasn't one.

I was so, so, soooo frustrated in searching for this piece of paper (which, not coincidentally, arrived in the mail on my birthday in 2008) that at one point I was ready to scream! The file that I thought it was in, it wasn't. B and I searched high and low (he's a good sport) through stacks of bills and statements and various paperwork, but it was nowhere to be found. Somewhere, there are several boxes that I haven't opened since we moved 15 months ago, and I know that some of my favorite yoga clothes are in one. I'd bet that effing paper is in there, too.

At first, it seemed like the stress of homebuying was at the root of my frustration. Then, I thought it was the chaos and overwhelmed feeling I got from having so many papers in so many piles all over the apartment (oh, I have grand visions of organization at the new place, believe you me).

But really, the downright anguish I felt came from guilt and shame erupting, once again. Looking through the filing paperwork made me feel like the biggest asshole. It took me right back to May 2008 when I looked someone in the eye and told him for the last time, "It's not you, it's me," and meant it, and watched his whole world fall apart, again. I know with every piece of my being that it was the right decision. But knowing that doesn't make me feel like a good person. It just makes me feel callous and selfish...

At that time, yoga, day in and day out, was the only road to peace and solace I had. I don't know if I was simply drinking the Kool-Aid that Bikram teaches, that if you can stay calm and collected upside-down in a hot room, then you can stay calm and collected under any circumstances. Did the yoga help me become a cold, callous bitch? I don't think so, because in every other arena of my life (at the time) I was incredibly feeling... But where's the balance between strength and compassion? Nonharming nonviolence, anyone?

I don't know how to deal with feeling these, all over again. It feels like the several-month period when I'd go in the yoga room for class and once we hit the floor, I'd just cry, those huge, quaking, silent sobs. Eventually, the sobs passed.

How do I work through this guilt for good, when I thought I already had? Is it even possible to resolve it completely? When do I stop feeling like a shitty person whenever the D word comes up?

Ughhh. Somehow, writing this all out has calmed me. I've been avoiding the mat this week, afraid that the demons will creep out again. I don't want to scare anyone.

"Long way from home, to kill yourself..."

2010-02-01T10:36:00.005-05:00

So I've been keeping up on my little challenge so far. For two weeks in a row, I've practiced three times each week. The first week, it was three full-length Bikram classes! The second week, it was one single-set class and two regular classes. Only the first class of all six was in a studio, but that's OK. I can bundle with the best of 'em.

I was sweating almost immediately yesterday! I wonder if, after the past few years of classes, there's some kind of muscle/body memory that tells my pores to open wide as soon as I start the Pranayama breathing? My iTunes crashed after Fixed Firm pose yesterday, so I did the remaining postures in silence... It was nice.

I got to hold Camel as long as I wanted (yes, I'm one of those sickos who really enjoys it), so I stayed upside-down for ten long, deep, slow breaths. But I made a deal with myself: I have to stay in Rabbit posture for the same length of time that I hold Camel. My upper and middle back are so stiff (e.g. 90-degree backbends from my lower back, wonkily wrapped arms in Eagle, miserable floor bow, among others) that I really have to constantly think about rounding "360 degree angle," and lifting my hips to stretch my back. A teacher once said going into this posture should be like "curling in on yourself like a cinnamon roll." I like that visual, even though it makes me just a little bit hungry sometimes. Increasing flexibility in my upper back is a big goal of mine.

After practicing yesterday, I went on a reeeeeaaaally cold hike with B and the dog along the face of Mount Beacon (an old fallback that takes an hour flat. We call it Leo's Loop). It was so nice to see the sun set over the river. Between the yoga and the hike, I'm sore today. It feels good! :)

Got the blue book!

2010-01-29T12:54:00.002-05:00

After hearing a little more about this classic from thedancingj, this morning I bought Bikram's older, blue book. Because I got it while on my way to work, I haven't had a chance to do any more than leaf through it, but already it is hilarious and informative, all in one.

Woke up today well before the 6 a.m. alarm, for the third day in a row. The next time I wake up early, I'm going to practice yoga until it's time to buckle down and get ready for work. I figure that—most of the time, anyway—if I'm waking up naturally, my body has had enough sleep. And if it hasn't, well, I can always sleep on the train down to work.

Pathetic. Amusing. Painful.

2010-01-28T15:03:00.004-05:00

I have tendinitis in my right thumb. Shooting, stabbing, sharp pains that are alleviated neither with Aleve nor ice.

I use my BlackBerry to read news (OK, and Facebook) on my daily hour-each-way train ride. I just signed up for a library card so I can read other things on the train. No more mobile blogging for me.

Time to work the grip even more in my postures! But ouch this hurts!!!

waiting game

2010-01-27T08:31:00.001-05:00

I'm itching to buy the old blue Bikram book before work today, but can't because I'll spend all day at work flipping through it, resisting (hopefully successfully) urges to blurt out to my coworkers "Can you believe the benefits of x posture?" "Did you know the parathyroid is compressed in y posture?" "So *that's* why I feel dizzy/nauseous/homicidal after z posture; ahhhh..."

So I'll pick it up after work, and geek out on the train home.

In the meantime, I'll have to be satisfied reading the cover story of today's NYT food section, which bears a headline about chocolate and chakras. It could be up my alley, or it could annoy the crap out of me, with incomplete information and gross generalizations. (I'll add the link when I get to work, as I haven't been brave enough to try extensive html coding when posting from my phone.)

Namaste, y'all!
xo

Edit: Here's the link. I think I want to reread this article a few times before I write too much about it. I will say that I appreciate the acknowledgment that "[t]here are many ways to 'do' yoga: the term embraces meditation, worship, study and action, as well as the physical pretzeling that Americans primarily associate with the term." I'm amused that food is the hot controversy among yogis. Bikram is soooo yesterday, I guess.

Quote

2010-01-26T15:46:00.000-05:00

"Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest."
-Sri Chinmoy

"Speedy Gonzalez, ahh?"

2010-01-26T11:12:00.005-05:00

I was a gross combination of sweaty and rain-misted after walking two miles home from the train station last night. Perfect for yoga, right??

B worked late, so I wanted the apartment to be mellow when he and the pup got back. That gave me about an hour for yoga. Soooo... Rather than firing up one of the hourlong YogaToday classes, I quickly compiled a new iTunes playlist with just one set (the first/longer set, of course!!) of each of the Bikram postures. I'm sure it's sacrilege, but I wanted to do the series last night, in a more doable time frame.

When I finished, I felt good, tired, relaxed, like I'd worked every bone, joint, muscle, organ in my body. But maybe even possibly in a time frame that I could do in the morning before catching the train??? Wow. That'd be so amazing.

Notes on my home practice:
• Instead of focusing on one point in the mirror (btw, I'm from California and I say it the normal way. Meer-ur.), I focus on that one little twinkly light among the dozens that border the living room window. After five (on and off) years of practice, I think that's where my eyes are. I think.

• Maybe I am a meer-ur hog when I go to studios because I don't have one at home? I was reading old posts on other Bikram geek blogs and came across someone's thoughts on not being able to see oneself in a mirror, the challenges it presents to proprioception and having to feel the posture from the inside out. The sense that the feedback has to come from the skeletal system itself, and not from any kind of visual feedback. This was so interesting to me! I feel like I am finally getting my hips square (Is that a dancer-specific term? I have no idea, but it just occurred to me that other people might not know what that means in the immediate way that I know what it means... Hmm.) in Balancing Stick, especially on the left/second side. And I've only felt that in the two most recent classes... at home, sans mirror.

• It's not hot enough. Enough said. (Well, actually, not enough said. I guess I could practice in my bathroom, all steamed up and with the home heat and a space heater on. But I really cannot foot a higher bill for oil or electricity. And I'm terrified of having to pay my own water bill in the house-to-be. So a good warmup, a space heater and warm clothes will suffice for now.)

• I hate that when I look up in Pranayama and Half-Moon, the overhead light burns out my retinas. Got to remember to do something about that.

• Being alone (most of the time) in a not-hot-enough living room makes me crave a studio!!! So while my goal is to do three home practices a week, maybe I could shoot for a weekend class in a studio, or one weekday night at a studio in the city. But whyyyyyy do classes have to be so expensive?? Gahhh. I miss work-study so much.

• Bikram says the funniest things on the CD dialogue. If a post's title is in quotes, it's probably from the CD. This one seemed appropriate for today.

Namaste! Hope you're having a beautiful day! :)

warmup

2010-01-25T18:00:00.000-05:00

Walking home from the train station now. Loving this weather - 55 and rain. Feels like winter at home in san diego. Looking forward to a nice juicy practice when I get home. I was sweating after 10 minutes of walking!!

Some pics

2010-01-25T12:22:00.000-05:00

B is a really good photographer, and has been having fun blending yoga with natural habitats... Here are a few pics from the past coupla years:

Mohonk Preserve, near New Paltz, N.Y. November 2007

Minnewaska Preserve (I think?), near New Paltz, N.Y. May 2008

Joshua Tree, Calif. February 2009

Hudson Highlands State Park, near Cold Spring, N.Y. January 2010

And a total goofing-off one from Joshua Tree, for good measure, because it makes me laugh:

"If you feel dizzy, nauseous, you must be happy!"

2010-01-23T23:44:00.000-05:00

I did my one-day challenge! Yippee!!!

After hiking this morning for a long time, then errands in the afternoon, I was wiped out. Nerve pain from the fibro was kicking in, ughhh... Took a nap, sort of reluctantly, and had the whole mess of negative, self-loathing thoughts:

All I wanted to do today was yoga. Why did I get talked into hiking? I should have just stuck to my guns. Why do I even try to do a challenge? Why do I keep telling myself that yoga is so important, when clearly, it's not that important to me - otherwise I'd be more disciplined and act like it?? I'm so effing exhausted and in pain now, and I won't be able to practice. Why am I taking a nap, anyway? I should be downstairs on my mat.

I *did* make a good choice earlier today, though. The boyfriend was going bouldering, and although my ankle felt strong enough and some of the rock was warm, I decided to not climb, and save my energy for yoga practice. I just hiked and entertained a barking dog, and took pictures. It was *gorgeous* out today, and so nice to be in the sun (even if it was only 30 degrees).

I was grumpy then, but can say that all warm and smiley now, because after the nap, the boyfriend took the dog for a long walk and I fired up the Bikram CD and the space heater. I have been avoiding it, subconsciously I guess. It had always annoyed me, rubbed me the wrong way.

Or so I thought. Tonight, the non-dialogue was just funny. I did every posture, both sets, both sides. Even though my stomach felt gross. Even though I was tired. Even though I had the same excuses I always do. Bikram's notes, like "if you feel dizzy, nauseous, you must be happy!" make me smile, because yep, once again I was dizzy and nauseous. But here I was, practicing anyway. For most people blogging their 101-day challenge, and for myself for years, practicing despite feeling subpar is really no big deal.

But with where I'm at right now, it felt good to have the mental discipline as much as (OK, even more than) the physical discipline.

And when I was done and my boys got home, I was all happy and cuddly with the crazy dog. We walked down to the Thai place and I got spring rolls and amazing tom kha gai soup and mind-blowing jasmine tea. Even now, hours later, my body is tingly all over from the yoga, like I opened up some channels and my chi or prana or all of the above are flowing.

The other Bikram blogs out there are amazing to read... so inspiring, and with tons of insight (both physical and metaphysical) and support. Love this community, even when (especially when?) it's just me, the heater, and the CD.

WTFever

2010-01-22T15:48:00.000-05:00

Hey, I've done pranayama deep breathing in the shower, three days in a row!

Yeah, I didn't actually think that counted...

Now I'm considering doing a double tomorrow morning at the Danbury, CT, studio.

I have said this eleventy billion times already, but:

Maybe I could just find a doable middle ground, and stick with doing it?

About that challenge (with lots of parentheticals).

2010-01-21T13:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was day three of this yoga challenge that I wanted to do, and I've done one class. One class that totally, thoroughly, completely kicked my ass (my quads are still sore), but that's irrelevant. I want to be three for three. In my head, anyway, this yoga isn't like baseball, where a .333 batting average is good.

I come up with excuses: My sciatic is killing me. My throat/chest/maybe-ulcer hurts. I really need the sleep. If I stay up late and practice, I'll miss time with the boyfriend. It goes on and on. Maybe it's a case of knowing a little bit about too many things, but I also see this excuse-making/lethargy as a symptom of depression. Am I depressed? I dunno. I don't think so. I am crazy stressed out about buying a house and finances and the political climate and blah blah blah, but HELLO: It's all kind of just more excuses.

Tracking back to find the original post about the 40 Days to Yoga Freedom, I saw a link to another blog by a woman named Carissa. She's friends with Lindsay, of *shanti*love*yoga*. She has this to say:

you have to decide what matters. well, i have to decide what matters.

the truth is, we all live different lives and have our own challenges. we have weather, we have stresses, we have no money, we have no studio nearby, we have children and families and chores and community commitments and crazy bosses and nosey neighbors and bills to pay and traffic to sit in and a MILLION reasons not to do anything. but, this is not something i want to excuse anymore. time for some new commitments.

So here are my new commitments.

Practice a half-hour, three times a week, at home. (Ooh! I could totally do at least an hour on weekend days. But I'm getting ahead of myself.) Doesn't have to be Bikram stuff. Even though restorative yoga usually annoys me, it might be good for this chaotic time. Feel so much better, remember why you love yoga in the first place. If all goes according to plan (big, hearty laugh at "plan")), get more addicted and practice more.

B and I are planning (there I go again, using the p word) on fasting tonight, so I have "dinnertime" to do my yoga. I am so lucky that he is into it too. It's nice to have that support and enthusiasm...

Day one, part two

2010-01-20T12:26:00.000-05:00

So I set up in the front row, and kind of felt lame doing so. I didn't want to be "that girl," that person who waltzes into a studio like she owns the place without paying any kind of dues. I asked the woman who was already set up a little back and to my right if my mat was OK, and said I didn't want to be rude, to which she replied, "It's just yoga." I like being in the front because I can work on my wonky alignment, and I like the extra little bit of pressure to not slack when there are new students behind me.

But by awkward pose, I was having a hard time. Head pounding, difficulty keeping my breathing calm and under control. So I backed off a bit in both sets of each posture. Diane, who is warm and funny and makes you kick your own ass while you have no idea what's going on, gave me a great correction in Standing Head to Knee pose about standing up straighter before I begin to kick out. I'm fortunate to have something to remember, some nugget to take away from this class. Hell, I'm lucky I remember anything from this class.

I wanted to do a strong Standing Bow Pulling Pose — it's one of my favorite postures and on most days, I can do it pretty well. :) I thought that if I could do that strongly, it'd give me confidence, energy and momentum to keep going and head into the spine-strengthening series feeling good. By the time the second set of the posture was over, I was happy to count 10 seconds standing on one foot. Diane did mention something about me having a stronger Standing Bow after the correction in the previous posture — gonna have to revisit that connection soon.

A few more postures of barely hanging in there; I think I only managed one set of everything through Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee (including a Triangle that I was very proud of). Then Tree. I met my eyes in the mirror and tried to concentrate on them as everything else just fuzzed out. Come on, Catherine, you can stand up. Just breathe... Breathe, you can do this, I kept telling myself. But I couldn't. I couldn't even just stand there. I've fainted a couple times in my life, and this was really close to that. So I knelt down, for both Tree and Toe Stand, and the tears came. Were they because of the pain in my chest? Head? Frustration at not being a yoga rock star? Embarrassment for setting up in the first row, then sucking? Probably (e), all of the above.

I had had these grand intentions of dedicating my practice. To victims of the earthquake in Haiti. To people everywhere who fight for human rights. To healing for my cousin, who is recovering from getting hit by an SUV last month in L.A.

But nothing could have been further from my mind. I felt like I just had to survive the class, which is, of course, totally ridiculous in hindsight. But that opened the gateway to letting go, and that led to compassion. One post in this Bikram 101 blogging ring talks about this, with direction from a quote by Rolf Gates. "When we let go of something, our hand opens and we are able to receive." This could apply to so many things in the last three years of my life, but right now, it can just be about the yoga.

I took it easy through the rest of class, doing every posture, despite my growing sense that at any moment a hole would surely open up right in the middle of my chest, and some monster would crawl out of the base of my esophagus and join us for Half-Tortoise pose.

I was parched, but thought water would only worsen my digestive discomfort. It took about 15 minutes to normalize my heart rate after class. Judy came back into the studio, all cool skin and chill energy, and wrapped herself around me before rubbing my back. Luckily for me, Audrey dumped electrolytes into my water bottle as I staggered around the lobby.

I knew the ladies and their respective companions and I were going out, but a few more people joined us for dinner at Local Burger, a cool little spot. Turns out that of eight people, I was one of two nonteachers there. Diane went, and even though I wasn't sitting near her, she just bubbled with enthusiasm and positive energy. I'm dying to take more classes from her.

The studio's former owner, Charlie, was there too, and was fun to talk with over sweet potato fries. Stephanie, the woman I'd set up in front of, owns a studio near Las Vegas, Bikram Yoga Summerlin. At least two of the blogs I read have mentioned these teachers or studios, so I felt even more tied in to this amazing community.

Despite feeling like I had a horrible class and I didn't do anything physical, I'm still sore 48 hours later. And my guts are feeling a little better. There are so many reasons to do this yoga. Monday night reminded me of them. Can't wait to practice tonight.

Day One, part one

2010-01-19T14:07:00.001-05:00

Date: Jan. 18, 2010, 5:30 p.m.
Studio: Bikram Yoga Northampton
Teacher: Diane Ducharme

At least I got to go to Trader Joe's.

That was my initial thought a few minutes after class ended last night. I'm pretty sure it was the worst class of my yoga life. I tried to do at least one set of every posture, but I was swaying like a sapling in a hurricane as tree pose began, and I had to just sit down and stay down. I DID have a strong second set of triangle (after sitting out the first set), and didn't slide out into the splits, so I'll count that as one of many tiny victories.

The overwhelming feeling as I drove away from the studio at 9:30 was one of pure gratitude: for this yoga, for this amazing community both online and "in real life," for old friends who somehow stay close, and for new friends and sources of wisdom.

Audrey, a friend from Salt Lake, and her man bought the Bikram studio in Northampton (which, I believe, is missing an "h," but maybe that's just me), Massachusetts, effective Jan. 1. Another SLC friend, Judy, who teaches in Saratoga Springs, is even closer with Audrey. So when Judy took this weekend off to go to the Rajashree (Bikram's wife) seminar at Kripalu, and I had the day off for Martin Luther King, Jr., Day, we decided we'd go take class together. I don't drive to work anymore; what's a couple hours in the car? Plus, I could go to Trader Joe's. And meet Judy's new friend from the seminar.

Monday dawned, and with it, a migraine (barking dog does not help). Oh yeah, and I think I might be developing an ulcer. This weird feeling of pressure where my esophagus meets my stomach hasn't gone away in a week. I'm not prone to digestive ailments. It feels better, briefly, when I burp. And it turned out that lovely-I've-never-taken-her-class-but-at-least-she's-my-friend-Audrey wouldn't be teaching Monday night. Instead, legendary teacher Diane Ducharme would. Eeeeeek!!

So I was a little tentative. Decided to wear waterproof mascara and pretty dangling earrings, trying to keep in mind that if I looked good, I'd feel good (well, better). I ate a couple pieces of toast with butter and jam, then took off on my three-hour (I had to run some errands first) jaunt.

It was really lovely out, warmish and sunny skies. Unfortunately, sun+driving concentration+crappy Connecticut drivers=worse migraine. Ugh. About 3, I took an Aleve. Didn't help. An hour and a half before class, I ate four pieces of sushi from Trader Joe's, where I was sooooo happy to go and stock up on stuff, as there isn't one very close to where I live. It was good to get something in my belly — it stopped the gnawing, roiling feeling I had going on. Still had a migraine. Lame!

At the studio, saw my friends and their friends. It was sooo great to see Audrey, and pass along words of encouragement and a big hug from one of my friends who had been her biggest fan/student in Sandy (Utah). Met the superintimidating and scary senior Bikram teacher, Diane. Just kidding! She wasn't any of that at all. She was warm, and totally put all the new students at ease. "All you have to do is breathe," she said. "Everything else is optional."

2 days, 2 classes!

2010-01-11T14:53:00.000-05:00

B and I (and Leo) hiked Saturday around the quarry and took some pictures. I even did yoga in a couple of them. If they don't look ridiculous, maybe I'll put one up here! It was chilly and my left hamstring started bugging me (but my ankle did not! woohoo!). When we got home B took a nap. I was tired, but the yoga bug hit me and I did this YogaToday class with Neesha. It was fun, but I couldn't believe how hard it was to lift even an inch or two off the floor in the last bridge/backbend poses. I was swearing, but in a happy, cosmic, playful way... you'll have to do a few classes "with" her and you'll know what I mean...

Yesterday was full of cooking and errands and general catching up. After dinner, I was looking forward to watching a movie while waiting for bread to rise, then figured I'd do a yoga class during the bread's second rise, then clean up while the bread was in the oven (multitasker much?). And my feet hurt really, really badly from being barefoot (in the kitchen, natch) all afternoon/evening.

But B didn't want to watch a movie. While he was shaving, he had some sort of crisis about turning 34 this year, and getting out of shape. So he wanted to do yoga. We did this YogaToday class with Adi, the gentle asskicker. B must not be in too bad shape, because he could sit with his legs crossed, with his hands next to his hips, then lift his whole body off the ground. Maybe he wanted to show off? Jerkface.

The video was moving along great, until it wasn't. It crashed Firefox, then the same spot in the video crashed Safari. Bummer! But rather than throw in the (totally dry as this is not Bikram yoga) towel, we fired up iTunes and did the last 15 minutes of Adi's "Yoga for Rock Climbers ~~(and Their Wannabe Climber Girlfriends)~~" class. She kills, KILLS the abs in every one of her classes, whether it's a full hourlong one, or a half-hour blog one, or this 10-minute one. I suppose that's what it takes to get abs like hers. That, and being a yoga teacher (and probably a climber, too).

So. Can I make it three in a row and practice tonight? We will see! Dinner is mostly prepped, so I can't use that as an excuse. Hamstring still hurts, and so does left forearm, so I need the yoga. Am loving reading the blogs at (and linked to from) Bikram 101. Been finding so many gems, insights, and other words of wisdom among those practicing in this little cybersangha...

Namaste, y'all!

Not sure how to do this

2010-01-05T11:56:00.000-05:00

There is a 101 Day Bikram Yoga Challenge that started January 1.

I would love nothing more than to do this the official way - take at least one class daily at an affiliated studio. I loved going to Sandy for my 30-day challenge in August 2007... a 5-minute drive and free classes, as I was on a work-study agreement at the time.

I haven't figured out how to make up for the hours I lose on my new (well, 4-month-old) commute: 70-minute train ride followed by a 15- to 25-minute walk (depending on the route). There weren't any seats on the train last night so I stood on the platform between cars the whole way home. I spent a good 20 minutes wondering if there's a way to turn that into yoga time.

There's are a couple of studios fairly close to work. One of them even offers $7 classes! But they're earliest after-work class isn't until 6:30. The one time I took it, I didn't get home until after 10. I just don't know if that is sustainable...

So I practiced on the 1st with a full, real class. The 2nd filled up unexpectedly with real estate dealings (?!?! seriously). Then the 3rd did too, and it got all weird and I was aggro after a day around a realtor and my boyfriend's parents and him. Just a lot more people than I am used to talking loudly in close quarters, in a situation fraught with a lot of emotion. When we got home, boyfriend went to take a nap with the dog. I needed to do some yoga just to chill the heck out.

I was ridiculously sore from Friday still, but needed to do something. I did the dishes and straightened up the apartment, so at least my monkey mind wouldn't be worried about tidying. I settled in a little, not even rolling out a mat, and did the Bikram standing series. Pranayama (deep breathing) and one set of each posture (but both tree and an attempt at toe stand). 10 deep breaths in each position. It took about 30 minutes. (I have the CD and could have gone with that, but I felt like I needed something a little mellower.)

I was so much calmer afterward, and felt better for having done something.

This morning I did a few sun salutations (which sounds so silly to a Bikram fiend) (and in the dark, too!), just to loosen up. After two nights of the boyfriend having nightmares, we've resolved to do at least a half-hour of yoga tonight. Hoping that it settles his mind. That's so much more important than me dropping the pounds or stretching my hips.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-04T19:09:00.000-05:00

I took class on New Year's Day up at Hot Yoga Saratoga, about two hours north of where I live. my old, dear friend Judy teaches several classes a week there, and the stars and our schedules aligned last week to let me take her class. Yippee!!

It was my first class back in the hot room in over a month, since Nov. 29 when I went to a studio in San Diego. I'd done a couple of Ashtanga and one or two Anusara classes since with the lovely ladies at YogaToday, but there really is nothing like being in front of a mirror, body and ego bared, and ready to sweat out the issues in my tissues.

It was strange; Judy mentioned to one or two people that I was her friend, and one of them asked me if I was a teacher, too. My response surprised me: "Not yet." Where did that come from? Yoga in general, and teacher training in particular, have been so far from my mind lately...

Class was good. Packed, but good. I think I had a bit of an attitude when I went in, as I was upset about how snugly my top was fitting. When I weighed myself at my parents' house in San D at Thanksgiving, I was about about 15 pounds over my healthy weight, and about 20 from where I would really love to be (the same number as when I last wore that top). I kept repeating two words in my head: compassion, action. Respect where you are right now, and any limitations that might entail. Love your body for what it does for you, while actively making it healthier. I guess that's my New Year's mantra? (Are mantras allowed to be that long? That doesn't exactly flow in a chant-y, mantra-y way...)

As far as postures go... Everything was a challenge. ~~Standing~~Attempting to stand on one leg for 60 seconds is the best rehab I can do for the ankle. For the first time possibly ever, I touched my forehead to my knee in Standing Head to Knee Pose (Dandayamana - JanuShirasana) without falling backward. Maybe the rehab has helped me learn to keep my weight more in the ball of my foot at all times? More likely—I was really lucky and in the zone...

Got a bit of an attitude adjustment in the spine-strengthening series. :) With students' mats so close together, there's bound to be some overlapping of appendages in Full Locust Pose, when we start laying on our stomachs (legs together, arms outstretched like a "T"), then lift everything up. (One girl mentioned before class that she'd been whacked in the face once before during this pose.) Judy had joked that we'd get really friendly with our neighbors in this class; well, she didn't know the half of it... the woman next to me, who'd been kidding around all class (which you just don't do, especially in the front row) rested her hand on my butt. Several times. Now, if that wasn't a message that I needed to chill out and not take everything so seriously, I don't know what was. I mean, it wasn't appropriate, but it certainly wasn't going to cause the apocalypse. Who knows—maybe the energy exchange helped? I felt pretty strong flying "like a 747, jumbo jet liftoff."

Also during the spine-strengthening series: Floor Bow. This pose has always irritated me, as I feel that because backbends are easy, my back should just take the hint and fold up in this posture, too. It's always been a struggle to get my weight off of my hips and onto my belly. Also, I think I haven't figured out how to hold onto my feet and relax my shoulders at the same time, which (I think) would let my chest lift up and back. There was that one time, though, in summer 2007 (I think) when my old teacher Alex lifted me up from my ankles to illustrate the pose's potential teardrop shape. Hoping to get back to that...

Judy helped me in the second set of Half-Tortoise by pushing down on my back and holding my hips down as I came up at the end. I don't know if my back muscles are crazy tight, but it has always been really hard to keep my butt on my heels in this posture. I think my back muscles are really shortened, which is why backbends are easier than forward bends.

No other postures are standing out in my mind challenge-wise, 72 hours after the class... but I'm still sore. Toward the end of class, Judy mentioned something about people going home and eating leftovers and I almost threw up on the spot, so I must have done a fair amount of detoxing. It felt good to be in there again, even if I hated looking at my body. (It wasn't so bad once class started; it's hard to worry about fat rolls when refrains of "one knee, lamppost, unbroken" are buzzing in my ears.)

So that's where I'm at. Rededicated? I don't know. I really want to be. I know that to practice every day, I have to commit to practicing every day and stop thinking of it as optional. "But it's so hard," she whines, "when there are a million other things that need to get done. Like sleep." We'll see how it goes. Something is better than nothing. Getting out of bed is the hardest part.

On the mend

2009-12-15T10:58:00.000-05:00

I went to physical therapy with Donna on Wednesday and Friday and she did ultrasound and massage on my ankle. It always hurts worse when I leave than when I walked in, and I try to tell myself that's because things are moving around in there, trying to get better. No doubt there's a lot of old scar tissue, too.

But still. I'm irritated that the swelling hasn't gone down and it's been over a month since I busted it. Actually, I'm just irritated that I'm supposed to limit "excessive walking" and really any other activity I might enjoy doing.

Grrr.

I typed all of that more than two weeks ago, on December 15. I was frustrated. I also had a chest cold and cough that, unfortunately, continues. ’Tis (or was) the season, right?

The swelling continues. The only time I notice relief from it is after I massage the rock-hard area behind and below the lateral ankle bone (calcaneous) then elevate and ice it for an hour or so. Oh yeah, and when I've done a hot/stinky/sweaty yoga class.

I took three of them in November after I hurt it: one at Yoga to the People, one at Hot Yoga Saratoga, and one at Bikram Yoga La Jolla while I was home for Thanksgiving. It seems that those 26 postures get the fluids movin' on out of that joint. Unfortunately, finances and schedules and other things that I tell myself are important have gotten in the way of taking classes.

I'm still supposed to be in PT, but, speaking of finances, the office couldn't work out the same deal with me for the New Year, so I'm checking out—AMA, I suppose. Oh well, Donna got me up to working with the Theraband. When I hiked on Christmas and two days later, I wore the hulky ankle brace. Icing the ankle afterward seems to have helped; crisis has been averted.

My dear friend Judy was teaching New Year's Day at Hot Yoga Saratoga, so I headed up there...

Progress

2009-12-08T17:31:00.000-05:00

My triceps are sore from last night's chaturangas with Adi.

Various leg muscles are sore from walking with a purpose and not flipping my left foot around.

A few more weeks of sore muscles and I can assume there's some kind of progress, right? Maybe I'll buy a scale at that point.

Maybe.

Grounded

2009-12-08T10:55:00.000-05:00

It sounds silly, even to me, when I say that it's been hard to find a routine now that I'm working (at the magazine) Monday through Friday, 9-5 instead of (at the newspaper) Thursday though Monday, 5 (p.m.) to 1 (a.m.). Now, I'm gone from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Trying to fit something in before work still seems impossible, and trying to fit something other than dinner and dog-walking after work seems impossible. At least before, I had one solid chunk of time that I could get a lot done: Start coffee, do dishes, drink coffee and eat something while catching up on blogs and news, then yoga, then hike with Leo before going to work. the sleeping immediately upon returning home.

I miss my near-daily hikes with Leo... Which is a reminder that I should try to fit them in on weekends, while we can get out in the daylight.

However, I'm grounded. I went to physical therapy yesterday for the ankle I sprained a month ago. My therapist, Donna, has banned "excessive walking." I've been taking the subway from Grand Central to work every morning for the last month instead of savoring my 14-block walk. I actually like the walk. The cold was invigorating; the people-watching pretty good, too. So I'm supposed to keep up the ($$$) subway routine until further notice. if walking is out, hiking on uneven terrain most certainly is out as well.

My ankle was so sore after the physical therapy, and my ego was bruised too... It's so silly, feeling like a therapist's words are some kind of personal attack when they really aren't. Of course, there are probably therapists who are mean and judgmental. But Donna isn't one of them. After evaluating my gait, she said I whipped my left foot around a weird way as I walked. Then she noticed that just standing still, feet close together, I weight my right side more. (That may have something to do with issues in my left hip, too. Ohhhh, the issues in my tissues.)

As she was explaining these things to me, my eyes welled up and I got emotional... I felt like they were faults of mine, personal failings. I wanted to apologize. I'm sorry I can't walk right and it offends you! It offends me, too! It's so, so incredibly silly, but maybe it's this way for lots of people who are so body-identified. My mind and my body are inseparable, to me... Reflecting now, I think it rubbed raw some of the other personal failings I'd felt, like, if I'd just stayed in shape, this sprain wouldn't have happened. Like I should have been able to prevent this, or fix it on my own.

She explained gait to me, in really simple terms. Heel-toe. Repeat. No weird left-foot-whipping flourishes. Got it? So this is quite the exercise in mindfulness. I have to relearn how to walk. I have been trying to pay attention to every single step. It's so strange. And then just standing still, trying to weight both sides equally? I can honestly say that even in those 15 years of ballet, I have never considered this.

I was going stir crazy yesterday, and wrote this:
I want to get away to a healing, warm, preferably sandy place. As that's not in the cards now, i need to create a space that is safe, nurturing, healing, restorative in my own home. I can do this in the living room... with diligent attendance to the daily filing and accumulation of the paraphernalia of life (read: junk mail and bills). You have to start somewhere... It doesn't have to be a daily Bikram practice right now.
What I need to do to restore:
• eat small amounts of nourishing food
• do the yoga (start with a half-hour and go from there. both morning and night preferably to figure out which works better for a longer practice. to get pm done, take leo for a half-hour walk first.)

So last night, I did a half-hour video on the blog section of YogaToday, and it was OK. I always like that teacher, Adi, because she's intense while keeping a light attitude. The ankle is sore today, but I think that's as much from the ultrasound and massage as it is from the yoga. I should be icing...

I think just getting into a routine will help me feel better about myself, in general. Grounding postures should help with the right/left disparities. Balancing postures should help with strengthening all the little intrinsic muscles in my feet and ankles. It's interesting, trying to restart a regular practice while knowing I'm supposed to take it easy. Is this the only way I can give myself "permission" to ease into things, and have compassion for myself?

This post at Elephant Journal popped up today in my Facebook feed, and I love its message... And from that, I was led to this, at the Kripalu site:
Cyndi Lee, founder of OM Yoga and a practitioner of both hatha yoga and Tibetan Buddhism, doesn’t fight her resistance to a regular practice—instead she takes it to the mat.
"My obstacles to yoga are an inconsistent schedule, fatigue, and laziness. I work on those day by day. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don’t. Remembering that yoga helps lift my energy is the antidote. So then I just get down on the floor along with my resistance, take a deep breath, and start my practice."

If even the pros can have off days and obstacles, I should give myself permission to, too... Once I acknowledge the difficulties, though, I should follow Lee's lead and "just get down on the floor."

Back to the mat

2009-12-04T10:19:00.001-05:00

I used to have a kickass yoga practice.

During one of the hardest and most confusing periods of my life, I'd get up early most mornings and drive a few minutes down the road to this studio, what I had come to think of as my studio, and ease into my day with deep breathing, intense stretching, and heavy sweating. In August 2007, I completed 30 classes in 30 days, and had never felt better about myself.

In May 2008, I moved to upstate New York. The middle of nowhere, it seemed to me at the time. Although the space and quiet were likely good for my head, I desperately missed having a convenient studio. I practiced the Bikram series on my own, intermittently. I did a Rodney Yee video or two, but was unfulfilled. I went to one class at one of the closest studios, Satya Yoga, in Rhinebeck, and could justify neither the half-hour drive there nor the expense for class (I had been on a work-study trade program back in Utah).

In November of that year, I had moved into a new apartment with a fabulous guy and my crazy dog. I planned for days to go to a Bikram class on Thanksgiving at the nearest studio—45 minutes away. Despite some food poisoning the night before, I showed up with a happy, smiling face at 9 a.m. Despite not being in a hot room for more than six months, it was one of the best classes of my life. I dedicated that class to my teachers in Utah: Jackie, Alex, Julie, McKell, Sarah, Andrea, Rebecca, Lisa, Terese, both Brandys, Julia, Jamie, and my superduper good friend, Judy. Without that studio offering me a safe place to work through "the issues in my tissues," I'd never have made it to New York.

I went back to the Yorktown studio for one class, and the teacher had just returned from being certified at training in Acapulco. There, she met Marc, a man I had practiced with and become friends with in Utah. It was so cool to have this connection to a place that had so unexpectedly become "home." Again, though, I couldn't handle the long drive and big fee for classes.

I went a couple of times here, the nearest "hot yoga" studio, and it was okay, but I just wanted to find a really good, hot, Bikram class, for a good price, with cool people. Picky, picky me.

I read about Yoga Today in some healthy-women's magazine, or maybe I feel down the rabbit hole that is the internet and clicked through 17 sites to get to it. At the time, the site offered a rotating library of 10 to 15 free, hourlong yoga classes from Jackson Hole, Wyoming. The classes really resonated with me because they're taught by real people, with real students, and they goof a little bit and make corrections, and there's audio problems sometimes, and they take it all in stride. The hyperproduced Gaiam videos, although in beautiful settings with ostensibly calming music, never really worked for me. These free classes, with entertaining people, were so engaging that I got back into a semiregular practice through the Springs and Summer of ’09.

Then I got a job (my dream job, really) that keeps me out of the house from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. I'm still trying to negotiate a routine.