Pain in the Ass

My left hip/butt has been excruciatingly painfulbothering me for a few months now. I should get it checked out. Of course I know I should get it checked out. But seeing my primary doc, to get a referral to the higher-copay ortho doc, to get an MRI scheduled, to be prescribed physical therapy that I can't afford, seemed like a very expensive rabbit hole (which under normal circumstances would be a stretch, but I'm on the hook for $500 of a big car repair, so, yikes [fucking deer fucking running into me]). My leg isn't falling off, and I'm not even taking Advil or Aleve most days, so I've been fine with just sucking it up.

Until!

Today, the super lovely Josie posted on FB this article, "A Common Cause of Low Back and Sciatic Pain — The Piriformis." Through some web-sleuthing, I'd become pretty sure that the culprit was my insanely tight piriformis, but all the stretching in the world hadn't been helping, just making the pain worse (which is can be pretty characteristic of fibromyalgia, but that could be another post entirely).

The article discusses trigger point therapy and self-myofascial release, even backing up (in the comments section) the idea that stretching is not helpful until the trigger point is released. This is sort of groundbreaking for me to hear.

Doing the work with the foam roller and a tennis ball will be hard; it will be painful. I am notoriously bad at following through on commitments to do anything for more than a week; the writer recommends starting with two weeks of daily work. But it's the least (and least-expensive thing!) I can do for myself to try to bust up the knots that have so negatively affected my quality of life the past few months, specifically.

Perseverance has never been a strong suit of mine, but now's as good a time as any to work on that. I can't wait to get home tonight to sit on a tennis ball.

A little horn-tooting

Last night after the 7:30 class with KTO, an intermittent student gave me (I think) a huge compliment.

"How many classes do you take per day?"

I gotta say, I swooned a bit. After a class that started out with a lot of wobbles, I did find some strength (and KTO noticed, too). It felt pretty good to know that a few of my postures are lookin' good.

My practice has been so all over the place (especially since February, when I busted my knee), as has my mind. I have something like 27 posts in draft version here. As work winds down in November, I hope to get back to blogging on a fairly regular basis. I miss our conversations!

Take a breather

This is one posture that makes me grumble.


I think I coined my new favorite Bikramism last night:

"If you're laughing, you're breathing."

The 7:30 pm class had four new people, and they (mostly) did great. (And by that I mean three out of the four had great attitudes. The one who walked in with an "I can do everything" vibe left the room halfway through and left the studio altogether, against the teacher's directives. Frustrating.) The girl who ate pasta an hour before class didn't throw up; I'd consider that a victory these days.

One woman, this tiny, spunky smoker, had had a nervous laugh-snort out in the lobby as I was giving them the new-student rundown. She ended up behind me in the studio, so I felt like I had to be a good example.

She did great with all of the things newbies usually have trouble with—hands to feet, grip in standing bow, staying still... I fell out of a couple of postures and was sort of grumbling to myself when she caught my eye. A bit of a giggle-fest ensued. She did the snort-laugh thing again. How could I not crack up?

I don't want to be a class clown, but I also want new students to know that it's ok—hell, even encouraged—to have fun in there. We were "debriefing" after class, seeing how the new students felt, and talked about the frequency of fainting (I haven't seen it myself, but I have very nearly done it). All the time, we hear, "As long as you keep breathing, blah blah blah." Talking with the snorter, I said, "As long as you're laughing, you're breathing."

At least for me, this one's a keeper, and a reminder to not take every posture myself too seriously.

Days 17/18: Disappointed | Day 19: Bittersweet

I ended up taking off all of last week. After my surprisingly awesome double on Sunday (9/12), I didn't practice again until yesterday (9/19). It was a strong class, and fairly flexible, but the goodness of it was bittersweet. I would rather have had a mediocre class with daily practice leading up to it, but (to use an expression I really dislike) it is what it is. I am ridiculously sore today, and my hamstrings feel loose and floppy like shoelaces. But it's all good.

I read Mei's post, and made a phone call about the competition. Apparently advanced classes are available to people training (is that even the right word?) for the competition. They are during my work days, but maybe I could get to at least one. I still have no idea what my two optional postures would will be.

I noticed some tiny alignment changes in the mirror yesterday. It's nice to see some results from the S&M beatdowns from the chiropractor. :) And, in a sign of progress on that front, I'm down to one day a week with her.

Looking forward to doing my — our, really — yoga tonight. I love practicing with mirrors, but I learn a lot by practicing without them, too. Especially in my left hip, I'm getting to really feel the alignment from the inside, out.

The outdated browsers on my work computer are incompatible with Facebook working in more than a cursory way, so I've stopped wasting time there. (Which is good, because this is a busy time of year here at the mag.) I have, however, filled all that time with reading blogs by Bikram yogis and yoginis. Congratulations to those just starting teacher training! I hope they have an incredible experience in my old hometown.

And I hope you all had a stellar weekend. :)
xoxo

Days 14/15/16: "Do What You Can Today, And Do Not Judge Yourself."

The title of this post is from a piece over at this blog, which I found through another blog.

And it's something I know that I know, but definitely needed a reminder about.

I don't know if it's because of looming chilly weather, or work stress, or life stress — or catalyzed by the yoga and the bodywork — but my body is hurting... Beyond the unbelieveable stiffness, beyond the for-no-reason muscle soreness, beyond all sorts of other symptoms that can be explained away. It feels like the fibromyalgia is back from its slumber. I know that it's back when my skin starts to hurt.

Basically my nerves freak out over normal sensations (god forbid I get goosebumps) and minimal stimulus (please don't pat my arm, thanks). Maybe I have written about this here, before? It's theorized that the nervous system doesn't know what to do with this input. You know what is really good at calming down the nervous system?

Yoga.

So after a four-so-far-day hiatus (it was only supposed to be three, but a train breakdown kept me from the hot room last night. *shakes fist!!*), my goal tonight is to simply move. I'll just do a single set (maybe [poutyface]), slowly and deliberately. I'd like to do that every day, from now until whenever.

The chiropractor got insurance to authorize this:


Ostensibly, electrical impulses sent via the little gel pads have a pain-relieving effect. Thus far, that hasn't really happened for me. I do feel like the muscle spasms are breaking up, a little bit, and maybe that's the first step to the pain relief. We'll see. It isn't hurting anything and it didn't cost me a dime, so I might as well give it a go. Even though it reminds me of an old-school garage-door opener.

A few hours later:
Well, just got back from a productive visit with the chiropractor, Dr. E. I mentioned my concerns, she sounded surprised by them, but then she kind of switched gears and was really nice. She recommended a homeopathic treatment specifically for nerve pain, which is kind of cool. I am not totally convinced that homeopathic treatments work, but if it does, it only costs $6.99. And if it doesn't, I'm only out $6.99. Also, I'm only seeing her once next week. (YAY!!$$$!)

She said that stiffness is often an intermediate step between pain and not-pain, as more blood flows to the area. She said to keep moving, keep using the garage-door opener, keep doing what I'm doing because my spine is moving.

My thought: Yeah, but to "keep doing what I'm doing" will make things hurt. ??? That is counterintuitive, at best. So, as I wrote above, I'm just going to go slow and steady, gently. And I'll try the sugar pills.

Love love, and happy Friday, ladies. :)

"If you feel dizzy, nauseous, you must be happy!"

I did my one-day challenge! Yippee!!!

After hiking this morning for a long time, then errands in the afternoon, I was wiped out. Nerve pain from the fibro was kicking in, ughhh... Took a nap, sort of reluctantly, and had the whole mess of negative, self-loathing thoughts:

All I wanted to do today was yoga. Why did I get talked into hiking? I should have just stuck to my guns. Why do I even try to do a challenge? Why do I keep telling myself that yoga is so important, when clearly, it's not that important to me - otherwise I'd be more disciplined and act like it?? I'm so effing exhausted and in pain now, and I won't be able to practice. Why am I taking a nap, anyway? I should be downstairs on my mat.

I *did* make a good choice earlier today, though. The boyfriend was going bouldering, and although my ankle felt strong enough and some of the rock was warm, I decided to not climb, and save my energy for yoga practice. I just hiked and entertained a barking dog, and took pictures. It was *gorgeous* out today, and so nice to be in the sun (even if it was only 30 degrees).

I was grumpy then, but can say that all warm and smiley now, because after the nap, the boyfriend took the dog for a long walk and I fired up the Bikram CD and the space heater. I have been avoiding it, subconsciously I guess. It had always annoyed me, rubbed me the wrong way.

Or so I thought. Tonight, the non-dialogue was just funny. I did every posture, both sets, both sides. Even though my stomach felt gross. Even though I was tired. Even though I had the same excuses I always do. Bikram's notes, like "if you feel dizzy, nauseous, you must be happy!" make me smile, because yep, once again I was dizzy and nauseous. But here I was, practicing anyway. For most people blogging their 101-day challenge, and for myself for years, practicing despite feeling subpar is really no big deal.

But with where I'm at right now, it felt good to have the mental discipline as much as (OK, even more than) the physical discipline.

And when I was done and my boys got home, I was all happy and cuddly with the crazy dog. We walked down to the Thai place and I got spring rolls and amazing tom kha gai soup and mind-blowing jasmine tea. Even now, hours later, my body is tingly all over from the yoga, like I opened up some channels and my chi or prana or all of the above are flowing.

The other Bikram blogs out there are amazing to read... so inspiring, and with tons of insight (both physical and metaphysical) and support. Love this community, even when (especially when?) it's just me, the heater, and the CD.

About that challenge (with lots of parentheticals).

Yesterday was day three of this yoga challenge that I wanted to do, and I've done one class. One class that totally, thoroughly, completely kicked my ass (my quads are still sore), but that's irrelevant. I want to be three for three. In my head, anyway, this yoga isn't like baseball, where a .333 batting average is good.

I come up with excuses: My sciatic is killing me. My throat/chest/maybe-ulcer hurts. I really need the sleep. If I stay up late and practice, I'll miss time with the boyfriend. It goes on and on. Maybe it's a case of knowing a little bit about too many things, but I also see this excuse-making/lethargy as a symptom of depression. Am I depressed? I dunno. I don't think so. I am crazy stressed out about buying a house and finances and the political climate and blah blah blah, but HELLO: It's all kind of just more excuses.

Tracking back to find the original post about the 40 Days to Yoga Freedom, I saw a link to another blog by a woman named Carissa. She's friends with Lindsay, of *shanti*love*yoga*. She has this to say:

you have to decide what matters. well, i have to decide what matters.

the truth is, we all live different lives and have our own challenges. we have weather, we have stresses, we have no money, we have no studio nearby, we have children and families and chores and community commitments and crazy bosses and nosey neighbors and bills to pay and traffic to sit in and a MILLION reasons not to do anything. but, this is not something i want to excuse anymore. time for some new commitments.

So here are my new commitments.

Practice a half-hour, three times a week, at home. (Ooh! I could totally do at least an hour on weekend days. But I'm getting ahead of myself.) Doesn't have to be Bikram stuff. Even though restorative yoga usually annoys me, it might be good for this chaotic time. Feel so much better, remember why you love yoga in the first place. If all goes according to plan (big, hearty laugh at "plan")), get more addicted and practice more.

B and I are planning (there I go again, using the p word) on fasting tonight, so I have "dinnertime" to do my yoga. I am so lucky that he is into it too. It's nice to have that support and enthusiasm...

Not sure how to do this

There is a 101 Day Bikram Yoga Challenge that started January 1.

I would love nothing more than to do this the official way - take at least one class daily at an affiliated studio. I loved going to Sandy for my 30-day challenge in August 2007... a 5-minute drive and free classes, as I was on a work-study agreement at the time.

I haven't figured out how to make up for the hours I lose on my new (well, 4-month-old) commute: 70-minute train ride followed by a 15- to 25-minute walk (depending on the route). There weren't any seats on the train last night so I stood on the platform between cars the whole way home. I spent a good 20 minutes wondering if there's a way to turn that into yoga time.

There's are a couple of studios fairly close to work. One of them even offers $7 classes! But they're earliest after-work class isn't until 6:30. The one time I took it, I didn't get home until after 10. I just don't know if that is sustainable...

So I practiced on the 1st with a full, real class. The 2nd filled up unexpectedly with real estate dealings (?!?! seriously). Then the 3rd did too, and it got all weird and I was aggro after a day around a realtor and my boyfriend's parents and him. Just a lot more people than I am used to talking loudly in close quarters, in a situation fraught with a lot of emotion. When we got home, boyfriend went to take a nap with the dog. I needed to do some yoga just to chill the heck out.

I was ridiculously sore from Friday still, but needed to do something. I did the dishes and straightened up the apartment, so at least my monkey mind wouldn't be worried about tidying. I settled in a little, not even rolling out a mat, and did the Bikram standing series. Pranayama (deep breathing) and one set of each posture (but both tree and an attempt at toe stand). 10 deep breaths in each position. It took about 30 minutes. (I have the CD and could have gone with that, but I felt like I needed something a little mellower.)

I was so much calmer afterward, and felt better for having done something.

This morning I did a few sun salutations (which sounds so silly to a Bikram fiend) (and in the dark, too!), just to loosen up. After two nights of the boyfriend having nightmares, we've resolved to do at least a half-hour of yoga tonight. Hoping that it settles his mind. That's so much more important than me dropping the pounds or stretching my hips.

Progress

My triceps are sore from last night's chaturangas with Adi.

Various leg muscles are sore from walking with a purpose and not flipping my left foot around.

A few more weeks of sore muscles and I can assume there's some kind of progress, right? Maybe I'll buy a scale at that point.

Maybe.