Anniver-se-rary

I searched flickr for "gratitude," and this came up. fitting!
image via eekim / flickr

Just a quick shout-out and gigantic "Thank you" to the Bikram bloggers and everyone else who has commented here over the past year-plus.

Today marks the one-year anniversary of starting the work-study program at my New York studio, and although it by definition will never be the same as my first, original, home, home-away-from-home studio, it is what I have now, and I am incredibly grateful for it.

I can say with 100 percent certainty that if it weren't for this Bikram blogging community, I would never have had the courage or motivation to ask for work-study at this studio. It's at least 40 minutes from my home. I wasn't a regular student there (I'd been about three times in two years). I have had tons of drama with my car. And yet, the studio owner trusted me.

Last night, she expressed surprise that a work-study student had been "at it" for a year. I am not exactly sure what she meant by that, but over the past year, I've seen four or five people sign up for the program only to drop out a month later. I'm sure there are a host of reasons that happens. But when she seemed surprised, with a dash of being impressed, that I was still going strong, I myself was surprised. Not holding up my end of the bargain — cleaning and folding towels and signing people in and reassuring newbies — was never an option. Not practicing was never an option.

But I never would have started down that path, a path that has lead in many ways to the fulfillment of this blog's name, without my friends in the computer. Thanks, friends!

Well, I tried.

I'm not big on New Year's resolutions, really. It comes down to knowing myself, and I know that I'm a total flake. I desperately want to prove to myself that I have the discipline to do (or not do) X, but then I pretty much inevitably don't do (or do) X.

E.g: Do 30 straight days of yoga (well, I did do that once, but life was so different then). Don't bite my nails. Do walk to work instead of taking the subway unless weather is totally heinous. Don't eat crap. (I originally typed "carp," which I haven't eaten - success comes in mysterious ways!)

When I started the work-study program at my studio in March or April, the cleaning days assigned to me were Thursday and Saturday. Since then, I have rarely missed a single Thursday or one weekend day (I switched to Sundays) of practicing at the studio. I cleaned early one Saturday morning in June before driving five hours to Cape Cod with my dad, but I didn't take class. More recently, with my car's increasingly frequent freak-outs, I've corralled my fantastic boyfriend into driving me down to the studio. (I'd just take his car if I could drive a stick. But this way he helps me clean, too!) I missed both days when I went to San Diego at the beginning of November, but I took one class (at training, woot!!) while I was there.

So, for almost a year, I've been taking two classes a week, pretty consistently. (My home practice has become almost nonexistent since 1. buying a house, and 2. getting a second dog.) I'd like to step it up, but I feel like planning to practice every day is just an easy way to set myself up for disappointment. Another idea had been percolating for a while; I decided last month to add in one home practice a week (ideally on Tuesdays or Wednesdays to balance out the Thurs./Sun.).

My first attempt was yesterday, when I stayed home sick from work. It went something like this:
Give bones to Leo (2) and Lucy (10 months).
Try to keep dogs off rug long enough to roll out mat.
Roll out mat.
Separate dogs, who are fighting for the "good" bone (?).
Remove Lucy from mat.
Press "play" on iTunes Bikram class.
Start pranayama breathing.
Transcend these odd barky noises.
On fifth breath, throw bone into kitchen so Lucy will leave me alone.
Transcend, transcend, transcend.
In forward bend, untangle (my) hair from Lucy's mouth.
In through the nose. Out through the nose. I am the perfect picture of peace.
Balance tested severely during standing head to knee, when Lucy walks underneath my picked-up foot.
Fall out five times, get back in six times.
Apologize profusely to Leo for kicking him in the ribs while stepping out for triangle. (He shouldn't have been on the damn mat!)

I got as far as standing separate leg forehead to knee. Working that pose, this is what I saw:

Leo's tail is the blur. I think he was trying to get the "good" bone away from Lucy (on the floor). On the other hand, this is how they play, constantly.

At that point, I gave up on trying to practice and chased them around the 20-degree backyard for a long time.

Chalk it up as a learning experience: Now I know that home practice goes much, much more smoothly when the boyfriend can distract/deal with the dogs. The hiccup there is that he's spending hours every night, post-dinner, studying for architecture exams. It shouldn't be a big deal to ask him to *not* study one night a week. Right?

I might have to get the dogs their own mats. Lucy would look great in Shakti.

The perils of a desk job, and long commute, and sleeping in a ball, and not practicing yoga enough:

I still don't know which one it is that hurts.
(Upper-leg graphic via via CompFitness.com)

Well, one of the perils, anyway, is that your hip flexors will shorten. Sorta like wearing spike heels all the time can shorten the Achilles tendon.

I practiced yoga at the studio on Sunday and went to the chiropractor Monday, where she worked on my left hip a little bit. My left shoulder was achy, like usual, after I left and on into Tuesday. What surprised me Tuesday was an ache in my upper left leg, near the [insert technical/anatomical name here] crease. (It's true; all of the issues in my tissues are on the left side.)

I figured I'd slept funny. Meh. I did some lunge-type stretching at my desk when I got to work. It was still bugging me Wednesday morning, and I figured I might have aggravated it with the previous stretching. Smart girl that I am, I walked 1.66 miles while running errands on my lunch. Wake up this morning (Thursday) and it hurts so badly that I briefly consider calling in sick.

But who calls in sick with a hurt hip?? I popped a bunch (OK, just 800 mg) of Advil and came on my merry way to work. It took the edge off, for a while. I took 600 mg about two hours ago. And I've had a heating pad on it most of the day.

(It occurs to me that the heating pad is doing exactly what I took the Advil to prevent - increasing blood flow to the area. Ice probably would have been a better bet. But it's coooooold!)

So I'm debating whether to take class tonight or not. I mean, it hurts to walk (but only because my default stride is a long stride, I think). I've been trying to take these goofy, short little steps while walking around the office today, and it doesn't hurt too bad. But how does one take class in a way that doesn't stretch the hip and front of the thigh? There's definitely a pulled muscle, and it's not at the "Just give it a gentle stretch and see how it feels" stage, not yet.

Guess I'll work on my shoulders, and forward bends. YAY. (Can you hear the sarcasm, people?)

So far, my only real experience taking class while injured has been with back problems. I've never had a front problem... How do you take class with an injury?

xoxo
:)

Day 20: Not two-thirds done.

I so wish I'd been able to practice this yoga on each of 30 days. (That brings to mind the saying, "If wishes were fishes..." — what does that even mean?) But this month, it wasn't to be... It did, however, get me into the chiropractor's office, and on a path to minimizing daily pain. If the primary goal of every endeavor is to learn even one little thing, then I've met that, as I've learned a bunch by trying to complete this challenge.

Last night, the BF was out hiking with the dogs when I got home, so I did two sets of each posture in the standing series, and a single set of the remaining postures before they got home. The dogs needed baths IMMEDIATELY, smelling vile after rolling in who-knows-what. Once they were clean and fluffy, I went back to my mat and goofed around with more postures. I did a few sets of standing head to knee on both sides, a couple standing bow pulling poses, and some other random postures. Anything involving toes touching your head is a hell of a lot easier in a warm studio, you know?

Something possessed me to work on headstands. They, like my living room's floor, are HARD!

One thing I really appreciate about a home practice is the flexibility to do an extra set of postures, or hold something just a little bit longer than we would in class. I'm not sure anyone really likes standing head to knee, but I am enjoying it for now because I've been feeling a progression in it, especially as my hips start to even out. On my 30 Before 30 list, I have "Do 29 backbends." I love backbends, I really do, but I'm thinking of editing that to-do, changing it to "Do 29 standing head to knees." So much more of a challenge. We'll see...

Days 17/18: Disappointed | Day 19: Bittersweet

I ended up taking off all of last week. After my surprisingly awesome double on Sunday (9/12), I didn't practice again until yesterday (9/19). It was a strong class, and fairly flexible, but the goodness of it was bittersweet. I would rather have had a mediocre class with daily practice leading up to it, but (to use an expression I really dislike) it is what it is. I am ridiculously sore today, and my hamstrings feel loose and floppy like shoelaces. But it's all good.

I read Mei's post, and made a phone call about the competition. Apparently advanced classes are available to people training (is that even the right word?) for the competition. They are during my work days, but maybe I could get to at least one. I still have no idea what my two optional postures would will be.

I noticed some tiny alignment changes in the mirror yesterday. It's nice to see some results from the S&M beatdowns from the chiropractor. :) And, in a sign of progress on that front, I'm down to one day a week with her.

Looking forward to doing my — our, really — yoga tonight. I love practicing with mirrors, but I learn a lot by practicing without them, too. Especially in my left hip, I'm getting to really feel the alignment from the inside, out.

The outdated browsers on my work computer are incompatible with Facebook working in more than a cursory way, so I've stopped wasting time there. (Which is good, because this is a busy time of year here at the mag.) I have, however, filled all that time with reading blogs by Bikram yogis and yoginis. Congratulations to those just starting teacher training! I hope they have an incredible experience in my old hometown.

And I hope you all had a stellar weekend. :)
xoxo

Days 14/15/16: "Do What You Can Today, And Do Not Judge Yourself."

The title of this post is from a piece over at this blog, which I found through another blog.

And it's something I know that I know, but definitely needed a reminder about.

I don't know if it's because of looming chilly weather, or work stress, or life stress — or catalyzed by the yoga and the bodywork — but my body is hurting... Beyond the unbelieveable stiffness, beyond the for-no-reason muscle soreness, beyond all sorts of other symptoms that can be explained away. It feels like the fibromyalgia is back from its slumber. I know that it's back when my skin starts to hurt.

Basically my nerves freak out over normal sensations (god forbid I get goosebumps) and minimal stimulus (please don't pat my arm, thanks). Maybe I have written about this here, before? It's theorized that the nervous system doesn't know what to do with this input. You know what is really good at calming down the nervous system?

Yoga.

So after a four-so-far-day hiatus (it was only supposed to be three, but a train breakdown kept me from the hot room last night. *shakes fist!!*), my goal tonight is to simply move. I'll just do a single set (maybe [poutyface]), slowly and deliberately. I'd like to do that every day, from now until whenever.

The chiropractor got insurance to authorize this:


Ostensibly, electrical impulses sent via the little gel pads have a pain-relieving effect. Thus far, that hasn't really happened for me. I do feel like the muscle spasms are breaking up, a little bit, and maybe that's the first step to the pain relief. We'll see. It isn't hurting anything and it didn't cost me a dime, so I might as well give it a go. Even though it reminds me of an old-school garage-door opener.

A few hours later:
Well, just got back from a productive visit with the chiropractor, Dr. E. I mentioned my concerns, she sounded surprised by them, but then she kind of switched gears and was really nice. She recommended a homeopathic treatment specifically for nerve pain, which is kind of cool. I am not totally convinced that homeopathic treatments work, but if it does, it only costs $6.99. And if it doesn't, I'm only out $6.99. Also, I'm only seeing her once next week. (YAY!!$$$!)

She said that stiffness is often an intermediate step between pain and not-pain, as more blood flows to the area. She said to keep moving, keep using the garage-door opener, keep doing what I'm doing because my spine is moving.

My thought: Yeah, but to "keep doing what I'm doing" will make things hurt. ??? That is counterintuitive, at best. So, as I wrote above, I'm just going to go slow and steady, gently. And I'll try the sugar pills.

Love love, and happy Friday, ladies. :)

Just in time for National Yoga Month! (with a long aside)

I'm planning on doing a 30-day challenge in September. Not just because it's on my 30 Before 30 list. There are a couple of answers to "Why do this now?"

1. September actually has only 30 days. Just four months can claim that! For some reason, it works better in my mind this way. I think I'd be inclined to excuse myself for one day if I were to challenge in a 31-day month. This may make no sense, at all, but it's how my brain works... Also, it isn't cold yet, so I can get a good sweat on even in a mostly-home practice.

2. My life finally has a semblance of routine: I work at the yoga studio one night and one day a week. I go to work and I come home and I play with dogs. Sometimes I cook, sometimes the boyfriend does. It's all very boring, but I wouldn't have it any other way. (Well, that's not entirely true. I wish I could magically transport myself to work in an instant, but it's not going to happen, and I love where I live and I love where I work, so. That's that.)

3. The New York asana competition is in October, and participating is also on my 30 Before 30 list. Doing this challenge will help me prepare for that in a couple ways. Getting stronger with postures. Getting stronger in general. Losing a couple of pounds (maybe). Developing Bikram's five aspects of the mind (that's a great link; you should click it!): faith, determination, self-control, concentration and patience. Taking part in the competition might not happen, however, because 1) My emails to Bikram Yoga NYC have gone unanswered; 2) I can't seem to find anything about this year's competition, including a date, and 3) My back is kind of angry.

Aside/explanation about the back; feel free to skip this:

I've had lower back pain on and off for years now, and I'm used to it, and it's a dull-ache kinda thing. Yoga helps, etc, etc. I love, LOVE backbending. However, over the past three weeks to a month, I've developed pretty bad pain and stiffness in my midback. Well, the muscles have always been tight, but now my spine really feels stiff. Backbending HURTS. Feels like a metal rod is in my spine.

In a trip to the chiropractor Wednesday (the first such visit in over two years), I learned that the apex of my pain is right at the apex of my spine's scoliotic curve, like the point on the left side of this character: < . OK, maybe it's not quite that severe, but it feels like it! I also learned that my spine is more of a wreck than I had assumed/accepted. The doc actually asked me, "What happened to you?" as though she thought I'd been in a car accident, or something. Maybe she was hoping to keep steady any business from me. Not to worry, doc.

It was interesting to hear her rundown of my structural issues, as her observations actually validated a lot of perceptions (proprioceptions?) I'd had. For example, even when my feet are together, toes and heels touching, I feel like my left hip is waaay forward of the right one. And I feel like my head is constantly tilted to the right. And like my right shoulder is trying to reach forward to touch my wacky left hip. (This explains why my half-moon to the right comes extremely naturally — I'm already halfway there.) And on and on. And I was right!!!

Well, she did some work on my neck (my chin goes straight down now! Yay!) and my wonky lower back, and although I was sore yesterday, it was a good sore. Just like I've heard at yoga, my body didn't get into so much pain overnight; it's unreasonable to expect it to get awesome overnight.

That doesn't, however, keep me from wanting it to be awesome overnight. In Thursday's class, I still had the midback pain, and in the first backbend I just tried to breathe through the pain/fear (about which a post is started and sitting in draft version). The second one I did OK, though nowhere near its usual depth. The last thing I wanted to do was jam everything up. Which brings me back to...

End aside/explanation. Sheesh, that was long.

4. My back is kind of angry. A challenge, undertaken with care and concern and compassion, can work wonders for my spine, especially in concert with chiropractic.

What I hope to learn from you, lovelies, is why you do challenges. And what are some of the biggest obstacles to completing them? How do you address those obstacles? I won't be able to use the "I don't have enough time" excuse most days. My time commitment will be exactly 90 minutes (or however long the CD really is), since at least three days a week I'll be practicing at home. It's nice to have dealt with that excuse (my favorite, by the way) up front. Let's see if I don't talk myself out of it. :)

It's good to blog again. If you're a blogger, yoga-related or otherwise, know that I am always inspired (or at least entertained!) by what you've been writing. I so look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Well, helloooo there!

Hi all. It's been a while, eh?

Since I last posted something other than a quote or a picture, I have:

Started a work-study yoga program (March 18). I was so nervous while I drove to the studio after work; my stomach was in some crazy knots and my heart was racing. "What if they hate me?" They didn't. They are cool.

Bought a house (March 19). Just like I said in that last post from 3/18, things were turning around—no, really. They did. Life has become really good, especially in the past week. It's nice to check off boxes on to-do lists. It's even nicer to unpack boxes, but I'm working on that.

Went back to yoga (March 21, 25, 28; April 6, 8). Despite scrubbing mirrors and vacuuming studios and cleaning showers and stocking fridges and spraying/hanging/rolling mats and emptying trashes and washing loads of towels, which is like an entire workout unto itself after I've already done the yoga, I love being around the studio. My goal is to be there at least four days a week, but I have to be there at least two to do my work-study. And that's two more days than I was practicing in a studio before. So I'll take it. :) It has been an interesting ride already. Didn't take long to have a breakdown (the 25th?), but the teacher was so compassionate about it... Felt like home.

Had a regular checkup with a fabulous doctor (March 30). Got an unfortunate wake-up call, however, with the reading on the scale—a full 25 pounds more than the weight at which I feel really, really good. It threw me for a loop. I knew my clothes weren't fitting, but daaaayyyyummmm. Ouch. I can make excuses all day about stress and eating and moving and whatever, but really. Really. For me, it has always come down to just doing the yoga. Which I haven't done on a regular basis since moving to NY. I feel good about getting this on track, if only in a less-in-depth-than-I'd-like way, for now. (On a good note, my blood pressure was fine and my cholesterol was fabulous! Go me!)

Cleaned out an apartment and moved into the house (March 30). Thank Sweet Baby Jesus we are done with the apartment!!! Now, if only I could be home for more than 10 minutes, it'd be awful nice to start to unpack and find places for things. And maybe cook those root vegetables I bought (three+ weeks ago) and start those lettuce seeds.

Took a fabulous, long, road trip (March 31-April 5). Went to boyfriend's mother's family reunion in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. We took the dog and drove the "long" way (12 hours compared to 14 hours), but it was nice because we kept the interstate/freeway driving to a minimum and enjoyed the coast. I wore a bikini in front of not-strangers, despite the weight insecurity. The South (the little that I saw) is a strange place, but with pockets of stunning beauty, such as the massive, unrelenting groves of wisteria. Pollen killed me. I love camping. Theirs is a huge family. I got to swim in the ocean... Felt like home (right down to the 58-degree water).

Returned home with a new appreciation for my little town (April 5). Beacon is truly amazing, combining everything I love about small, Main Street-y towns with convenience to nature and BIG CITY. It's all about the balance.

Had another yoga-studio breakdown (April 8). This time, the (same) instructor had a strange reaction. But I think that experience will be its own post.

Planned a manicure (April 9). One of my 30-day challenges for March worked out, anyway! I'm in a good habit of not biting my nails now. So it's kind of cool to have a little bit of a reward.

Back to the editing...

Day 17/30: Ch-ch-ch-changes

Didn't practice yesterday (Wednesday) either. I spent several hours at work yesterday on the phone with various real estate folks, alternately bursting into tears and hollering. It boils down to this: If I did my job the way some of these people have performed theirs, my boss would quickly be showing me the door.

So by the time I got home last night, I was emotionally (which, for me anyway, is the same as physically) spent. Drained. Didn't help that on my walk back to the train station I somehow developed blisters on each foot. Random, right? I couldn't stand even when I wanted to. I've been dizzy, then woke up this morning with swollen glands by my ears and under my jaw. Rad.

This is one of those rare times in my life, going on a couple weeks now, when it's hard to avoid feeling like the universe is plotting against me.

Gawwwd I'm so dramatic.

But things are turning around today. The combination of my breakdown into a crying jag and being very assertive yesterday (to different people) seems to have really lubricated the wheels of the real estate people. Today, I was informed that we will now be closing on a lovely little house at 1 p.m. tomorrow, only a week later than we'd been planning (for months) on. *eyeroll*

And tonight I start my work-study at the yoga studio. I realized this morning that I've really missed sharing in a studio atmosphere. So, I am so excited to have this chance to rejoin that kind of community. It's not that I hope it's just like my old studio, because it can't possibly be. And it shouldn't be. I'm soooo looking forward to finding my place in a new place. :)

Apologies for my whine whine whine.

101-day challengers, you are getting so close!!! It's inspiring to read how people are feeling at this point in their practice. If you aren't sure about what to do on Day 102, why don't you... wait until at least Day 101 to figure it out? Hope you're all well. :)

Day 4/30: I felt strong!!!

I practiced again last night, and realized it was the first time in a long time that I'd done two consecutive days of Bikram's series. (A year ago, when I was still working nights, I often practiced an hour of Anusara or Ashtanga with Yoga Today on consecutive mornings.) Last night was FUN! And I felt STRONG! After the "final spinal," I goofed off with crow and crane pose, and practice for headstands. I don't think I've ever tried crane before, but it was fun! Pretty good stuff, if you ask me.

Posture-specific notes I want to remember:
Something in my left shoulder/ribcage is moving in half-moon. Go with it. Trust the process. ... Saw the back of my mat in the backbend. No idea whether I've ever paid attention before. ... I locked my knees in the forward bend (got to LOVE practicing at night!). ... Got as low as I ever have in the second part of awkward, with no pain in my busted left foot/ankle. ... Quads felt strong, and "pulled up" (as we used to say in ballet) in standing head to knee and standing bow. ... Felt a good kind of tingly-burny-energy in my left hip and sciatic during triangle. My hamstrings cramped, so they must actually exist, somewhere. ... I got my forehead to my knee in standing separate leg head to knee! ... Leo (the dog) likes to lick feet in wind-removing pose. Actually, during any pose. ... New way of doing half-tortoise seems to be working; keep the fulcrum back. ... Kept knees engaged and heels off the floor in the last stretching pose, and got elbow almost all the way down. It's so good to feel strong. ...

The last time I did a 30-day challenge was in August 2007. I didn't blog about it. I didn't write about it. I didn't really have a goal with it, other than to have stickers on every day of a little calendar. Looking back, I don't think it was about any kind of personal growth. I think I knew, subconsciously, that I was on the verge of a really difficult life transition, and going to the studio every day was a way to avoid dealing with my real life. (Also, working 10+ hour days is a good way to avoid real life.)

The first week of September 2007, I took my first trip out here. Eight months later, I was driving east on I-80 with a U-Haul trailer. I've never thought about it like this, but it would seem that that challenge was a gateway to this, this mostly amazing, mostly fulfilling life that I'm in the middle of now.

Of course, things often look better in the rear-view mirror, right? :D

I have high hopes/ambitious plans to take three Bikram classes (including one with no instruction, set to music, all of which I have mixed-to-negative feelings about, but it can't be "worse" than my home practice) in two studios, as well as climb rocks (or at least help the BF do that), this weekend. What about you guys? I hope it's warming up and drying out wherever you are, too. :) Have a fantastic weekend!

Day 3/30: A Goldilocks kind of day

On March 1, I couldn't stop biting my nails, but did some pretty good yoga. On the 2nd, I didn't bite my nails at all, but I didn't practice, either. Yesterday, whatever I did was just right.

I walked around for an hour yesterday during my lunch, and found a few new (to me) yoga studios near work, including an actual affiliated Bikram studio. Yay! I hope to make one of the 5:30 or 6 p.m. classes there soon. Maybe the week after next, once I a) get paid again and b) know something about the house closing date.

The regular train home waited just for me (woohoo!) and the BF headed to the pool to swim. Even the dog's low-for-him energy level conspired to help me have a good practice last night. Yay!

I felt pretty good, energy- and pain-level wise, so I started out doing the whole (both sets) standing series. When I got to Triangle, I felt wasted and thought about switching to the single-set iTunes playlist, but decided to plug on through at least Triangle. It would have been lame to switch only during one of my most challenging postures. But it went fine.

Re: Triangle - I have definitely lost a ton of flexibility since moving to NY (and quitting a near-daily practice), but I have come so far with my strength. For the longest time I was skeptical that I actually had hamstrings to use in this pose, but over the past few months they have helped keep me upright in Triangle, instead of sliding out into the splits.

So I switched to the single set before the spine-strengthening series. I didn't want to overdo everything last night and then be completely drained today. As always, it felt so good to move through the series. This yoga is amazing, folks, although if you're reading this you probably already know that.

Not to whine, but it can be hard to practice at home — I miss studios' heat, the feedback, the excitement of others, the heat, mirrors, "talking shop," and oh, did I mention the heat? But I have noticed that I have more energy and excitement to practice lately! I can only chalk it up to becoming part of this blogging community we've got goin' on here.

It could be that something like this is happening:
The best class I took after my 10-day Bikram intro in August ’04 was in May of 2006 (I loved it, and went a couple times, but couldn't afford it and was working and caregiving, both full-time). It was Memorial Day weekend, and my hot-water heater had blown up on Friday night. By Monday I desperately needed a shower. The only place I could think of that I could take one? Bingo! Bikram Yoga Sandy, just down the road from where I lived.

I checked their schedule and they only had one class on the holiday!!! Needless to say, it was packed, maybe 50 people? A lot, anyway, for that little studio. I was kind of tripped out and bugged that I wouldn't be able to see myself in the mirror. Much to my surprise, everyone in the room became super cheerleaders for everyone else. The energy level was amazing! No one left, and I don't think very many people sat out postures, either. We all lifted one another up (literally, of course, in Full Locust).

So even though I've been practicing all by my lonesome, for the most part, I have all the other blog writers and readers to help lift me up and share energy. The compassion that has flowed through comment sections across Blogger and WordPress astounds me. I can't thank this nebulous you enough for this, for helping me return to something I need so intensely for my mental and physical health.

* * * * *

A word (or many, it turns out) on fibromyalgia:
This came up in yesterday's post/comments about my experience of a pain/fatigue complex. This was at The New York Times' website today, and I think it's commendable that they're showing some of the many faces this syndrome can take. But reading the comments broke my heart. It shouldn't matter what causes someone's pain; I would hope that compassion could be shown toward people who are in any kind of pain, regardless of its genesis.

I consider myself lucky to have discovered ways that work for me in calming my nervous system (someone else's story here). One commenter (No. 126) at the Times story said a few things that resonated. Among them: "[T]he more you don’t move, the more your muscles get locked in, the more pain you’re in, the harder it is to get going. It’s a vicious cycle. But start slowly." Although I sometimes feel like I'm cheating, or being lazy, when I only do a single set of the Bikram series, this affirms a little bit that I can only do what I can, when I can. Sometimes I have good "classes," like last night, when I started out with both sets of everything. And whenever I have the opportunity to be in a studio, I bust my ass to try to do everything! With a memorable exception, it usually goes well. :)

xoxo to all!

"The right way is the hard way."

Last night, I walked out of the train and into a soggy, dirty, mess of a town. Despite some workday text messages with the boyfriend about practicing yoga, I was thinking the whole ride home that it'd be so much easier to just to heat up some leftovers, make a fire, and sink into the couch to watch that "Say Anything" Netflix that's been sitting around for a few days too many.

His enthusiasm, however, hadn't flagged. He'd turned on the space heater an hour before I even got home. Then he built a fire while I tried to make a treat bomb (fill this with peanut butter, banana and various treats) for our dog, who is slightly hyper and needy.

The fireplace and space heater were blazing, so in sweatpants, long-sleeve shirts and hoodies, we began CD "class." Just like in the studio, he did really well. I saw him kicking out in standing head to knee, and wondered if his standing leg was locked (I know I've seen a lot of beginners, especially guys with tight hamstrings, kick out despite a bent standing knee). It was locked! I was so proud.

Half-moon has been a "comfortable" posture, at least mentally, for a long time. That first bend to the right feels so, so good. The particular twists and turns of my scoliosis (which has returned only after lacking a regular practice for nearly two years) make the right side "easy." Even at home, when it's not "studio-hot," I can get some good depth...

But the left side, oh man. It's so hard. Those same twists and turns conspire to keep the left side stiff. Recently I even identified "fear" as a sensation as I start that bend. I am not sure what it is I am scared of. The word has popped into my head a few times as I start to bend to the left, when I feel the first twinge that my shoulder blade and spine are shifting... Because of my spine's rotation, it is extra hard to pull my left shoulder and ribcage forward and my right side back. Sure, it would be easy to plop down, and have nearly the same silhouette as the right side, but it would be wrong.

Bikram says in the orange book, among other places, that there is only one way [to do things], and that is the right way. And the right way is the hard way.

In the not-studio-hot room at home, I have no choice (after typing that, I hear in my head Bikram's voice from the CD: "is like Indian marriage, no choice") but to focus on my postures' form, and not worry about depth. I had no idea until I sat down to write this how much I relied on the heat to help me attain "depth" in the postures. Stretching has become harder, but I am focusing more on correct alignment, and I'm feeling new muscles.

So although maintaining a practice can be hard, both mentally (motivationally? is that even a word?) and physically, I know it's the right way to do things. Today I feel lighter. It actually feels like my spine is longer, like my ribs are further from my hips (three-quarters of an inch instead of a half-inch, maybe). The walk in to work today was pleasant, despite the rain. My neck is a little sore, my abs are a little sore, and my back is a little sore. I'm happy to feel my body like that, because those are all little reminders that I was doing things the right way. At least for one night. :)

3 days, 2 classes, 1 studio...

... and 0 clean, dry towels left at home.
And I couldn't be happier. :)

Has it really been almost a week since I went back to a studio? Amazing. The boyfriend mentioned wanting to do some yoga last weekend, so I checked the websites of the two closest studios. Dingdingding!!! We had a winner. The studio 40 minutes southeast of us had a $10 donation-based class scheduled at just the right time on Saturday.

We went, the owner taught, the heat was perfect, I loved it, B loved it. I'd been to this studio only twice before: on Thanksgiving 2008, and some random day last year. Always good experiences, it's just kinda far away, and at 20 bucks a pop for regular classes, kinda expensive, too. It's especially hard to consider joining when we're about to buy a house and money will be even tighter than before. I love this job, and I can't put a price tag on contentment, but taking a 15% cut has some practical consequences...

I got two interesting corrections in class, that directly contradict what I've been taught before and have read in Bikram's books. I did the postures "her way" after the corrections, out of respect for her teacherness, but I still wonder.

First, for the third part of locust, she told us to put our foreheads on the towel. Not just kiss the towel, but tuck the chin all the way to get the forehead down. I was like, But if I do that, I won't get my callus back under my chin!!! Just kidding. I was really thinking, My nose! It's broken!!! The boyfriend actually has quite a large nose. I don't really know how/if he did it the way she said. But damned if I didn't get my legs way higher in the second set. Have any other yogis/yoginis heard this?

Second, in janushirasana, the head-to-knee pose toward the end of class, she told me to grab my foot and stretch toward my foot, with a flat back, before tucking my chin and touching my head to my knee. More like the setup for standing head to knee than, say, rabbit. I had always been taught to grab my foot, then curl down. "This is a compression posture first, and a stretching posture second." Right? No? Thoughts?

B had taken a Bikram class five-plus years ago in a studio in southern San Diego, and he liked it. A few nights before the Saturday class, we ran through a single set of the series at home. So maybe those two things helped him on Saturday: At the end of class, the teacher/studio owner congratulated him on his first class, and said that maybe he was really a spy student from headquarters sent by Bikram to check on the studio. (That sounds almost creepy now, but it was just sweet and funny when she said it.)

Saturday night and Sunday we peeked in at YogaCup.com to watch the asana championship. I didn't see any of my old Utah friends, including Marc, compete, but an old teacher of mine was representing Nevada. I was so excited when she won the national competition, with the most beautiful smile on her face the entire time! My computer/the live feed was screwing up on Sunday, so I didn't get the "streaming" experience, but I saw choppy pieces of another incredible performance by Brandy. She was always such a great teacher, and I had the privilege of practicing next to her several times.

Did that alone inspire me to get to class on Monday, when dead presidents got me a day off from work? I don't know. But I went back. The teacher (not the same one) had me move my mat to a weird, awkward place (I think because we were starting class while waiting for a couple people, and she wanted to save them spots in the middle row? I think? But they never showed.), then she was rapid-fire with the dialogue. Nothing but. There was no room for light or air in her delivery. Most teachers, if not all the ones I've had, will chill out for at least one or two of the pranayama breaths and just count to six on the inhale and exhale a few times. Not this lady. I was so aggravated and rubbed the wrong way! I don't think I've ever left class before, but I was thisclose on Monday.

In the setup for triangle, she was speaking so fast that I literally couldn't understand her. She was like a drill sergeant auctioneer. Unbelieveable. But by this point I was having a decent class, strong enough/flexible enough, but also one where it's just enough that you got to the studio. You know? After class I was thanking her for teaching, and out came these words: "I came in here today with really low energy and you were just 'boom, boom, boom' (snapping my fingers) and I didn't have a choice but to go with it." Whaddya know. My subconscious came through. It's not you, it's me.

I ended up talking with her for about 20 minutes, and she's great. Her daughter is a teacher, too. The daughter's first class taught after returning from training? My Thanksgiving class in ’08. I remember that she knew Utah friend Marc at training. Another guy from that training teaches at the studio and was in Monday's class. Amazing how this little yoga world of ours works.

She encouraged me to come back often. I mentioned sucky finances and that I'd done work-study in Utah. She said I should talk to the owner about work-study there. I was like, Ummmm, I've come here four times in three years. Usually it doesn't work like that? But I guess with them knowing I've been practicing at home, they are less inclined to think that I'm just a wannabe moocher. The owner is headed to Barcelona for the Bikram seminar (with bloggers aHappyYogi and Johan, too!) in less than two weeks, and I don't know whether to email her before or after. Sooner's probably better, huh? How do I ask? Sheesh. I think my old studio owners would give me a good reference.

It was soooo nice to get back into a studio, not just for the heat, but for the community, too. Sometimes we talk about how we can feed off of one another's energy during class, and lift one another up during some postures, especially triangle and full locust. Well, I think the concept applies to the whole studio experience, too. I get more stoked on yoga in general when I'm around other people who are excited about it. Isn't there some physics/chemistry concept about attraction that addresses this? (Gonna have to look that up... Ninth-grade chemistry was 14 years ago. Shit - half a lifetime. Moving on...)

So now I have this itching, burning feeling in my belly. I find myself daydreaming and conniving about how and when I can get back to practicing in a studio.

Congratulations to the Bikram 101 Challengers!!! I probably wouldn't be going through any of this if I hadn't seen the group on Facebook last December and gotten intrigued. Thanks to the organizers — here, here, and here. :) You guys are halfway done (Action JoJo, you're not far behind!), and you inspire me every day! Keep rocking it, worldwide yogis!

"Speedy Gonzalez, ahh?"

I was a gross combination of sweaty and rain-misted after walking two miles home from the train station last night. Perfect for yoga, right??

B worked late, so I wanted the apartment to be mellow when he and the pup got back. That gave me about an hour for yoga. Soooo... Rather than firing up one of the hourlong YogaToday classes, I quickly compiled a new iTunes playlist with just one set (the first/longer set, of course!!) of each of the Bikram postures. I'm sure it's sacrilege, but I wanted to do the series last night, in a more doable time frame.

When I finished, I felt good, tired, relaxed, like I'd worked every bone, joint, muscle, organ in my body. But maybe even possibly in a time frame that I could do in the morning before catching the train??? Wow. That'd be so amazing.

Notes on my home practice:
• Instead of focusing on one point in the mirror (btw, I'm from California and I say it the normal way. Meer-ur.), I focus on that one little twinkly light among the dozens that border the living room window. After five (on and off) years of practice, I think that's where my eyes are. I think.

• Maybe I am a meer-ur hog when I go to studios because I don't have one at home? I was reading old posts on other Bikram geek blogs and came across someone's thoughts on not being able to see oneself in a mirror, the challenges it presents to proprioception and having to feel the posture from the inside out. The sense that the feedback has to come from the skeletal system itself, and not from any kind of visual feedback. This was so interesting to me! I feel like I am finally getting my hips square (Is that a dancer-specific term? I have no idea, but it just occurred to me that other people might not know what that means in the immediate way that I know what it means... Hmm.) in Balancing Stick, especially on the left/second side. And I've only felt that in the two most recent classes... at home, sans mirror.

• It's not hot enough. Enough said. (Well, actually, not enough said. I guess I could practice in my bathroom, all steamed up and with the home heat and a space heater on. But I really cannot foot a higher bill for oil or electricity. And I'm terrified of having to pay my own water bill in the house-to-be. So a good warmup, a space heater and warm clothes will suffice for now.)

• I hate that when I look up in Pranayama and Half-Moon, the overhead light burns out my retinas. Got to remember to do something about that.

• Being alone (most of the time) in a not-hot-enough living room makes me crave a studio!!! So while my goal is to do three home practices a week, maybe I could shoot for a weekend class in a studio, or one weekday night at a studio in the city. But whyyyyyy do classes have to be so expensive?? Gahhh. I miss work-study so much.

• Bikram says the funniest things on the CD dialogue. If a post's title is in quotes, it's probably from the CD. This one seemed appropriate for today.

Namaste! Hope you're having a beautiful day! :)

Day one, part two

So I set up in the front row, and kind of felt lame doing so. I didn't want to be "that girl," that person who waltzes into a studio like she owns the place without paying any kind of dues. I asked the woman who was already set up a little back and to my right if my mat was OK, and said I didn't want to be rude, to which she replied, "It's just yoga." I like being in the front because I can work on my wonky alignment, and I like the extra little bit of pressure to not slack when there are new students behind me.

But by awkward pose, I was having a hard time. Head pounding, difficulty keeping my breathing calm and under control. So I backed off a bit in both sets of each posture. Diane, who is warm and funny and makes you kick your own ass while you have no idea what's going on, gave me a great correction in Standing Head to Knee pose about standing up straighter before I begin to kick out. I'm fortunate to have something to remember, some nugget to take away from this class. Hell, I'm lucky I remember anything from this class.

I wanted to do a strong Standing Bow Pulling Pose — it's one of my favorite postures and on most days, I can do it pretty well. :) I thought that if I could do that strongly, it'd give me confidence, energy and momentum to keep going and head into the spine-strengthening series feeling good. By the time the second set of the posture was over, I was happy to count 10 seconds standing on one foot. Diane did mention something about me having a stronger Standing Bow after the correction in the previous posture — gonna have to revisit that connection soon.

A few more postures of barely hanging in there; I think I only managed one set of everything through Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee (including a Triangle that I was very proud of). Then Tree. I met my eyes in the mirror and tried to concentrate on them as everything else just fuzzed out. Come on, Catherine, you can stand up. Just breathe... Breathe, you can do this, I kept telling myself. But I couldn't. I couldn't even just stand there. I've fainted a couple times in my life, and this was really close to that. So I knelt down, for both Tree and Toe Stand, and the tears came. Were they because of the pain in my chest? Head? Frustration at not being a yoga rock star? Embarrassment for setting up in the first row, then sucking? Probably (e), all of the above.

I had had these grand intentions of dedicating my practice. To victims of the earthquake in Haiti. To people everywhere who fight for human rights. To healing for my cousin, who is recovering from getting hit by an SUV last month in L.A.

But nothing could have been further from my mind. I felt like I just had to survive the class, which is, of course, totally ridiculous in hindsight. But that opened the gateway to letting go, and that led to compassion. One post in this Bikram 101 blogging ring talks about this, with direction from a quote by Rolf Gates. "When we let go of something, our hand opens and we are able to receive." This could apply to so many things in the last three years of my life, but right now, it can just be about the yoga.

I took it easy through the rest of class, doing every posture, despite my growing sense that at any moment a hole would surely open up right in the middle of my chest, and some monster would crawl out of the base of my esophagus and join us for Half-Tortoise pose.

I was parched, but thought water would only worsen my digestive discomfort. It took about 15 minutes to normalize my heart rate after class. Judy came back into the studio, all cool skin and chill energy, and wrapped herself around me before rubbing my back. Luckily for me, Audrey dumped electrolytes into my water bottle as I staggered around the lobby.

I knew the ladies and their respective companions and I were going out, but a few more people joined us for dinner at Local Burger, a cool little spot. Turns out that of eight people, I was one of two nonteachers there. Diane went, and even though I wasn't sitting near her, she just bubbled with enthusiasm and positive energy. I'm dying to take more classes from her.

The studio's former owner, Charlie, was there too, and was fun to talk with over sweet potato fries. Stephanie, the woman I'd set up in front of, owns a studio near Las Vegas, Bikram Yoga Summerlin. At least two of the blogs I read have mentioned these teachers or studios, so I felt even more tied in to this amazing community.

Despite feeling like I had a horrible class and I didn't do anything physical, I'm still sore 48 hours later. And my guts are feeling a little better. There are so many reasons to do this yoga. Monday night reminded me of them. Can't wait to practice tonight.

Day One, part one

Date: Jan. 18, 2010, 5:30 p.m.
Studio: Bikram Yoga Northampton
Teacher: Diane Ducharme

At least I got to go to Trader Joe's.

That was my initial thought a few minutes after class ended last night. I'm pretty sure it was the worst class of my yoga life. I tried to do at least one set of every posture, but I was swaying like a sapling in a hurricane as tree pose began, and I had to just sit down and stay down. I DID have a strong second set of triangle (after sitting out the first set), and didn't slide out into the splits, so I'll count that as one of many tiny victories.

The overwhelming feeling as I drove away from the studio at 9:30 was one of pure gratitude: for this yoga, for this amazing community both online and "in real life," for old friends who somehow stay close, and for new friends and sources of wisdom.

Audrey, a friend from Salt Lake, and her man bought the Bikram studio in Northampton (which, I believe, is missing an "h," but maybe that's just me), Massachusetts, effective Jan. 1. Another SLC friend, Judy, who teaches in Saratoga Springs, is even closer with Audrey. So when Judy took this weekend off to go to the Rajashree (Bikram's wife) seminar at Kripalu, and I had the day off for Martin Luther King, Jr., Day, we decided we'd go take class together. I don't drive to work anymore; what's a couple hours in the car? Plus, I could go to Trader Joe's. And meet Judy's new friend from the seminar.

Monday dawned, and with it, a migraine (barking dog does not help). Oh yeah, and I think I might be developing an ulcer. This weird feeling of pressure where my esophagus meets my stomach hasn't gone away in a week. I'm not prone to digestive ailments. It feels better, briefly, when I burp. And it turned out that lovely-I've-never-taken-her-class-but-at-least-she's-my-friend-Audrey wouldn't be teaching Monday night. Instead, legendary teacher Diane Ducharme would. Eeeeeek!!

So I was a little tentative. Decided to wear waterproof mascara and pretty dangling earrings, trying to keep in mind that if I looked good, I'd feel good (well, better). I ate a couple pieces of toast with butter and jam, then took off on my three-hour (I had to run some errands first) jaunt.

It was really lovely out, warmish and sunny skies. Unfortunately, sun+driving concentration+crappy Connecticut drivers=worse migraine. Ugh. About 3, I took an Aleve. Didn't help. An hour and a half before class, I ate four pieces of sushi from Trader Joe's, where I was sooooo happy to go and stock up on stuff, as there isn't one very close to where I live. It was good to get something in my belly — it stopped the gnawing, roiling feeling I had going on. Still had a migraine. Lame!

At the studio, saw my friends and their friends. It was sooo great to see Audrey, and pass along words of encouragement and a big hug from one of my friends who had been her biggest fan/student in Sandy (Utah). Met the superintimidating and scary senior Bikram teacher, Diane. Just kidding! She wasn't any of that at all. She was warm, and totally put all the new students at ease. "All you have to do is breathe," she said. "Everything else is optional."

2 days, 2 classes!

B and I (and Leo) hiked Saturday around the quarry and took some pictures. I even did yoga in a couple of them. If they don't look ridiculous, maybe I'll put one up here! It was chilly and my left hamstring started bugging me (but my ankle did not! woohoo!). When we got home B took a nap. I was tired, but the yoga bug hit me and I did this YogaToday class with Neesha. It was fun, but I couldn't believe how hard it was to lift even an inch or two off the floor in the last bridge/backbend poses. I was swearing, but in a happy, cosmic, playful way... you'll have to do a few classes "with" her and you'll know what I mean...

Yesterday was full of cooking and errands and general catching up. After dinner, I was looking forward to watching a movie while waiting for bread to rise, then figured I'd do a yoga class during the bread's second rise, then clean up while the bread was in the oven (multitasker much?). And my feet hurt really, really badly from being barefoot (in the kitchen, natch) all afternoon/evening.

But B didn't want to watch a movie. While he was shaving, he had some sort of crisis about turning 34 this year, and getting out of shape. So he wanted to do yoga. We did this YogaToday class with Adi, the gentle asskicker. B must not be in too bad shape, because he could sit with his legs crossed, with his hands next to his hips, then lift his whole body off the ground. Maybe he wanted to show off? Jerkface.

The video was moving along great, until it wasn't. It crashed Firefox, then the same spot in the video crashed Safari. Bummer! But rather than throw in the (totally dry as this is not Bikram yoga) towel, we fired up iTunes and did the last 15 minutes of Adi's "Yoga for Rock Climbers (and Their Wannabe Climber Girlfriends)" class. She kills, KILLS the abs in every one of her classes, whether it's a full hourlong one, or a half-hour blog one, or this 10-minute one. I suppose that's what it takes to get abs like hers. That, and being a yoga teacher (and probably a climber, too).

So. Can I make it three in a row and practice tonight? We will see! Dinner is mostly prepped, so I can't use that as an excuse. Hamstring still hurts, and so does left forearm, so I need the yoga. Am loving reading the blogs at (and linked to from) Bikram 101. Been finding so many gems, insights, and other words of wisdom among those practicing in this little cybersangha...

Namaste, y'all!

Not sure how to do this

There is a 101 Day Bikram Yoga Challenge that started January 1.

I would love nothing more than to do this the official way - take at least one class daily at an affiliated studio. I loved going to Sandy for my 30-day challenge in August 2007... a 5-minute drive and free classes, as I was on a work-study agreement at the time.

I haven't figured out how to make up for the hours I lose on my new (well, 4-month-old) commute: 70-minute train ride followed by a 15- to 25-minute walk (depending on the route). There weren't any seats on the train last night so I stood on the platform between cars the whole way home. I spent a good 20 minutes wondering if there's a way to turn that into yoga time.

There's are a couple of studios fairly close to work. One of them even offers $7 classes! But they're earliest after-work class isn't until 6:30. The one time I took it, I didn't get home until after 10. I just don't know if that is sustainable...

So I practiced on the 1st with a full, real class. The 2nd filled up unexpectedly with real estate dealings (?!?! seriously). Then the 3rd did too, and it got all weird and I was aggro after a day around a realtor and my boyfriend's parents and him. Just a lot more people than I am used to talking loudly in close quarters, in a situation fraught with a lot of emotion. When we got home, boyfriend went to take a nap with the dog. I needed to do some yoga just to chill the heck out.

I was ridiculously sore from Friday still, but needed to do something. I did the dishes and straightened up the apartment, so at least my monkey mind wouldn't be worried about tidying. I settled in a little, not even rolling out a mat, and did the Bikram standing series. Pranayama (deep breathing) and one set of each posture (but both tree and an attempt at toe stand). 10 deep breaths in each position. It took about 30 minutes. (I have the CD and could have gone with that, but I felt like I needed something a little mellower.)

I was so much calmer afterward, and felt better for having done something.

This morning I did a few sun salutations (which sounds so silly to a Bikram fiend) (and in the dark, too!), just to loosen up. After two nights of the boyfriend having nightmares, we've resolved to do at least a half-hour of yoga tonight. Hoping that it settles his mind. That's so much more important than me dropping the pounds or stretching my hips.

Happy New Year!

I took class on New Year's Day up at Hot Yoga Saratoga, about two hours north of where I live. my old, dear friend Judy teaches several classes a week there, and the stars and our schedules aligned last week to let me take her class. Yippee!!

It was my first class back in the hot room in over a month, since Nov. 29 when I went to a studio in San Diego. I'd done a couple of Ashtanga and one or two Anusara classes since with the lovely ladies at YogaToday, but there really is nothing like being in front of a mirror, body and ego bared, and ready to sweat out the issues in my tissues.

It was strange; Judy mentioned to one or two people that I was her friend, and one of them asked me if I was a teacher, too. My response surprised me: "Not yet." Where did that come from? Yoga in general, and teacher training in particular, have been so far from my mind lately...

Class was good. Packed, but good. I think I had a bit of an attitude when I went in, as I was upset about how snugly my top was fitting. When I weighed myself at my parents' house in San D at Thanksgiving, I was about about 15 pounds over my healthy weight, and about 20 from where I would really love to be (the same number as when I last wore that top). I kept repeating two words in my head: compassion, action. Respect where you are right now, and any limitations that might entail. Love your body for what it does for you, while actively making it healthier. I guess that's my New Year's mantra? (Are mantras allowed to be that long? That doesn't exactly flow in a chant-y, mantra-y way...)

As far as postures go... Everything was a challenge. StandingAttempting to stand on one leg for 60 seconds is the best rehab I can do for the ankle. For the first time possibly ever, I touched my forehead to my knee in Standing Head to Knee Pose (Dandayamana - JanuShirasana) without falling backward. Maybe the rehab has helped me learn to keep my weight more in the ball of my foot at all times? More likely—I was really lucky and in the zone...

Got a bit of an attitude adjustment in the spine-strengthening series. :) With students' mats so close together, there's bound to be some overlapping of appendages in Full Locust Pose, when we start laying on our stomachs (legs together, arms outstretched like a "T"), then lift everything up. (One girl mentioned before class that she'd been whacked in the face once before during this pose.) Judy had joked that we'd get really friendly with our neighbors in this class; well, she didn't know the half of it... the woman next to me, who'd been kidding around all class (which you just don't do, especially in the front row) rested her hand on my butt. Several times. Now, if that wasn't a message that I needed to chill out and not take everything so seriously, I don't know what was. I mean, it wasn't appropriate, but it certainly wasn't going to cause the apocalypse. Who knows—maybe the energy exchange helped? I felt pretty strong flying "like a 747, jumbo jet liftoff."

Also during the spine-strengthening series: Floor Bow. This pose has always irritated me, as I feel that because backbends are easy, my back should just take the hint and fold up in this posture, too. It's always been a struggle to get my weight off of my hips and onto my belly. Also, I think I haven't figured out how to hold onto my feet and relax my shoulders at the same time, which (I think) would let my chest lift up and back. There was that one time, though, in summer 2007 (I think) when my old teacher Alex lifted me up from my ankles to illustrate the pose's potential teardrop shape. Hoping to get back to that...

Judy helped me in the second set of Half-Tortoise by pushing down on my back and holding my hips down as I came up at the end. I don't know if my back muscles are crazy tight, but it has always been really hard to keep my butt on my heels in this posture. I think my back muscles are really shortened, which is why backbends are easier than forward bends.

No other postures are standing out in my mind challenge-wise, 72 hours after the class... but I'm still sore. Toward the end of class, Judy mentioned something about people going home and eating leftovers and I almost threw up on the spot, so I must have done a fair amount of detoxing. It felt good to be in there again, even if I hated looking at my body. (It wasn't so bad once class started; it's hard to worry about fat rolls when refrains of "one knee, lamppost, unbroken" are buzzing in my ears.)

So that's where I'm at. Rededicated? I don't know. I really want to be. I know that to practice every day, I have to commit to practicing every day and stop thinking of it as optional. "But it's so hard," she whines, "when there are a million other things that need to get done. Like sleep." We'll see how it goes. Something is better than nothing. Getting out of bed is the hardest part.

Grounded

It sounds silly, even to me, when I say that it's been hard to find a routine now that I'm working (at the magazine) Monday through Friday, 9-5 instead of (at the newspaper) Thursday though Monday, 5 (p.m.) to 1 (a.m.). Now, I'm gone from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Trying to fit something in before work still seems impossible, and trying to fit something other than dinner and dog-walking after work seems impossible. At least before, I had one solid chunk of time that I could get a lot done: Start coffee, do dishes, drink coffee and eat something while catching up on blogs and news, then yoga, then hike with Leo before going to work. the sleeping immediately upon returning home.

I miss my near-daily hikes with Leo... Which is a reminder that I should try to fit them in on weekends, while we can get out in the daylight.

However, I'm grounded. I went to physical therapy yesterday for the ankle I sprained a month ago. My therapist, Donna, has banned "excessive walking." I've been taking the subway from Grand Central to work every morning for the last month instead of savoring my 14-block walk. I actually like the walk. The cold was invigorating; the people-watching pretty good, too. So I'm supposed to keep up the ($$$) subway routine until further notice. if walking is out, hiking on uneven terrain most certainly is out as well.

My ankle was so sore after the physical therapy, and my ego was bruised too... It's so silly, feeling like a therapist's words are some kind of personal attack when they really aren't. Of course, there are probably therapists who are mean and judgmental. But Donna isn't one of them. After evaluating my gait, she said I whipped my left foot around a weird way as I walked. Then she noticed that just standing still, feet close together, I weight my right side more. (That may have something to do with issues in my left hip, too. Ohhhh, the issues in my tissues.)

As she was explaining these things to me, my eyes welled up and I got emotional... I felt like they were faults of mine, personal failings. I wanted to apologize. I'm sorry I can't walk right and it offends you! It offends me, too! It's so, so incredibly silly, but maybe it's this way for lots of people who are so body-identified. My mind and my body are inseparable, to me... Reflecting now, I think it rubbed raw some of the other personal failings I'd felt, like, if I'd just stayed in shape, this sprain wouldn't have happened. Like I should have been able to prevent this, or fix it on my own.

She explained gait to me, in really simple terms. Heel-toe. Repeat. No weird left-foot-whipping flourishes. Got it? So this is quite the exercise in mindfulness. I have to relearn how to walk. I have been trying to pay attention to every single step. It's so strange. And then just standing still, trying to weight both sides equally? I can honestly say that even in those 15 years of ballet, I have never considered this.


I was going stir crazy yesterday, and wrote this:
I want to get away to a healing, warm, preferably sandy place. As that's not in the cards now, i need to create a space that is safe, nurturing, healing, restorative in my own home. I can do this in the living room... with diligent attendance to the daily filing and accumulation of the paraphernalia of life (read: junk mail and bills). You have to start somewhere... It doesn't have to be a daily Bikram practice right now.
What I need to do to restore:
• eat small amounts of nourishing food
• do the yoga (start with a half-hour and go from there. both morning and night preferably to figure out which works better for a longer practice. to get pm done, take leo for a half-hour walk first.)

So last night, I did a half-hour video on the blog section of YogaToday, and it was OK. I always like that teacher, Adi, because she's intense while keeping a light attitude. The ankle is sore today, but I think that's as much from the ultrasound and massage as it is from the yoga. I should be icing...

I think just getting into a routine will help me feel better about myself, in general. Grounding postures should help with the right/left disparities. Balancing postures should help with strengthening all the little intrinsic muscles in my feet and ankles. It's interesting, trying to restart a regular practice while knowing I'm supposed to take it easy. Is this the only way I can give myself "permission" to ease into things, and have compassion for myself?

This post at Elephant Journal popped up today in my Facebook feed, and I love its message... And from that, I was led to this, at the Kripalu site:
Cyndi Lee, founder of OM Yoga and a practitioner of both hatha yoga and Tibetan Buddhism, doesn’t fight her resistance to a regular practice—instead she takes it to the mat.
"My obstacles to yoga are an inconsistent schedule, fatigue, and laziness. I work on those day by day. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don’t. Remembering that yoga helps lift my energy is the antidote. So then I just get down on the floor along with my resistance, take a deep breath, and start my practice."

If even the pros can have off days and obstacles, I should give myself permission to, too... Once I acknowledge the difficulties, though, I should follow Lee's lead and "just get down on the floor."