Day 13: Getting frustrated

First things first: No yoga last night. I'm now two classes down, again. My goal wasn't just to do 30 classes in 30 days (which I'm fairly optimistic I can still do). I'd wanted to do at least one class every day for at least 30 days. So: Grrrrrr.

The midback pain that I initially went to the chiropractor for seems to be resolving quite well. My spine feels straighter, and now that the initial insane muscle soreness has passed (despite Dr. E's continued efforts to leave me black and blue), my back-back is feeling pretty good. My lower back, on the other hand...

Dr. E has been working on moving my left hip around, trying to get it to want to become unstuck. Not forcing anything, but gradually opening things up in there.

My, how they are opening.

The shooting, stabbing pains in my sciatic area started a few hours after yesterday's appointment. The long-compacted SI joint seems like a creaky door that has been shut tightly for years, and is going to need some coaxing to stay open. That groan the door makes when you open it? I think my joint is making that noise. I took ibuprofen (Advil), then naproxen (Aleve) later on. Left a heating pad on it while sitting at my desk. Seemed to help.

Then I stood up and tried to walk, and the joint screamed at me. Two hours later, sitting at home, after more ibuprofen, I had an ice pack on the joint. The pain was so bad that I felt like I was going to vomit. So, no yoga last night either, causing me to be pretty frustrated.

Last night, I went upstairs to find feathers everywhere and two holes in my not-new-but-until-now-awesome down comforter. Lucy, the 7-month-old puppy, had a guilty look on her face.

She is cute, but she is sneaky.

It was the last straw for me. She had already chewed through the only decent pairs of shoes I had. (I'm not a shoe whore, but now I think I should be. It would have been nice to have backup shoes.) My car is falling apart. My computer is falling apart. Because of my weight gain since moving to NY, a lot of my clothes don't fit. I am flat broke, and I can't seem to catch up on basic things in life outside of utilities, train passes, and credit card payments (and believe me, I am incredibly grateful that I mostly have those under control, but this is my freakout). I'd wanted to visit San D in November, visit my friends and some family and my old beaches and Bikram teacher training, but I have no idea where money for airfare is going to come from. I'm not a materialistic person by any means, but is it so much to just ask for one thing, just one, to be in reasonably good shape? Normally, in the face of such destruction/dilapidation, I can say, "Well, at least I've got my health." Not this time.

That's right. I went from superkilling back pain to total freakout just like that. I spent the next 20 minutes or so wailing in the bathroom — didn't want to wake the BF — torturing myself with questions like, Is it (this nebulous "it") karma? Is it fibro, which I recently thought I'd been so good at appeasing, rearing its ugly head? Do I deserve this pain and this instability (inside and out, I guess) because of something I've done (or didn't do)? On and on and on it went, verging on self-pity but (I hope) not totally giving in. It's more frustration, I promise.

And then I remembered all the times that people have told me we store emotions in our bodies. So hopefully that is all this is. I'm a control freak about very few things, but I think maybe some of those tendencies are coming out, as maybe all of the bodywork I've been having has accelerated the process.

But it'd sure be nice to not be frustrated. And it'd be nice to be able to walk/sit/breathe without my nerves screaming at me.

Gahhh, this is quite the unfocused rant, but that's what blogs are for, right? If you've read this far, well, I apologize. At least you got to see my cute dogs. :)

Days 4, 5 and 6: Learning not to panic

photo via sxc.hu / raichinger

"To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—this is the spiritual path." ~ Pema Chodron

Bikram says it's fine if you can meditate in a pretty, quiet room, perfectly appointed with items designed to aid relaxation (I'm paraphrasing A LOT). What's more challenging, and more worthwhile, is to find a quiet mental space when you're stuck in freeway traffic in Los Angeles (I like to think he's referring to the 405), when it's 90 degrees and your car's AC is broken. If you can meditate there, you can meditate anywhere. If you can learn to meditate upside-down in a hot room, with sweat running up your nose, you can meditate anywhere.

I tried to keep this in mind Monday as sweat was indeed running up my nose during Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose. I'd driven up to Saratoga Springs to take class from a friend whom I hadn't seen in far, far too long. My back was stiff and sore because, well, it's my back, and my body was creaky from the two hours in the car headed to a morning class, where everything is always stiffer.

During class, the "traffic/hot/stuck" metaphor translated to my body. If I can learn to work to the edge of the pain, and find/make peace with my spine where it is at that moment, it's possible to learn to breathe and calm down those pain sensations while walking around in day-to-day life.

(My 30-day challenge update: Saturday, morning home practice; Sunday, morning class at BYY; Monday, morning class at Hot Yoga Saratoga. Five classes in six days is probably the most consistently I've practiced since moving to New York. Yay! I might even be looking forward to doing a double one of these studio Sundays...)

Day 2: What if I don't want to trust the process?

photo via flickr/andy z

Trust the process.

I've (of course) never been, but apparently teachers-to-be hear this nonstop while at Bikram Yoga Teacher Training. But does it apply to us regular ol' students, too?

Right now, I hope not, because I really don't want to trust the process. My body hurts, and I'm frustrated, and I am cranky, dammit!

Some weird stuff has coincided with the onset of this mid-back pain. My digestion has been off. I realized that nerves branch out from everywhere in our spine, so I wouldn't be surprised if some of the nerves in my mid-back feed my guts (no pun intended). If the nerves are pinched or otherwise compromised, that affects my guts. Instead of sitting funny and having my leg fall asleep, my back is situated oddly and my intestines fell asleep.

Visits to the chiropractor seem to have helped with my back's structure, if not its pain.

Thursday night in class, I had a total meltdown once we hit the floor series. I was frustrated at the continuing back pain. I was frustrated with being frustrated. I was frustrated at having so much fear that the pain would continue. I've often heard in Bikramland the saying, "This is the pain that kills the pain." There's no harm in trusting that, for now.

I feel like I'm at one end of the bridge in the picture above. I know that the other end is out there, somewhere. I know it's there. I just have to believe that I can get there.

Day 15: You win some, you lose some.

Didn't practice last night. I don't even have a good excuse, like I felt sick again or the world was blowing up. I just, didn't do it. Which bothers me. (Five classes shy of my 30 classes in 30 days goal, for what it's worth.)

Instead of practicing, I:
• argued with my boyfriend about our looming house purchase and how ridiculously lame the people responsible for it are acting.
• made lasagna!
• watched "The Hangover" with said boyfriend while we sort of made up over ice cream.
• stared at a census form for longer than it would have taken to fill it out, trying to decide whether to fill it out at all if I'm not going to be living there on April 1 (if the !%$%^$% mortgage folks can get their act together).

I have had this general sense of restless dissatisfaction the past few days. I don't know if it's just stress over the house thing, and lacking control over that process. But I was frustrated in my practice on Saturday (my eyes were really bothering me and it was hard to focus), I cut my finger open on Sunday, then last night I almost came to tears while spreading a cheese mixture over lasagna noodles. It wouldn't spread right and the noodles were not staying in line!!!

Seriously. Fifteen hours later and I'm still irritated about the damn lasagna (which turned out great, despite the deviant noodles).

On the plus side, though, I haven't bitten my fingernails in about two weeks, and I'm loving the pink sparkly polish. So there's that.

I have to run over the the real estate office tonight to turn in some papers (gripe grumble gripe), but after that, it is YOGA TIME. I may not eat dinner. There may be dirty laundry piled higher than my head. My dog might whine and whimper for attention. The lettuce seeds will stay unstarted. But I neeeeeeed to exorcise this aggravation. Or, at the very least, go through motions that will center me, and distract me temporarily from this...

Day 4/30: I felt strong!!!

I practiced again last night, and realized it was the first time in a long time that I'd done two consecutive days of Bikram's series. (A year ago, when I was still working nights, I often practiced an hour of Anusara or Ashtanga with Yoga Today on consecutive mornings.) Last night was FUN! And I felt STRONG! After the "final spinal," I goofed off with crow and crane pose, and practice for headstands. I don't think I've ever tried crane before, but it was fun! Pretty good stuff, if you ask me.

Posture-specific notes I want to remember:
Something in my left shoulder/ribcage is moving in half-moon. Go with it. Trust the process. ... Saw the back of my mat in the backbend. No idea whether I've ever paid attention before. ... I locked my knees in the forward bend (got to LOVE practicing at night!). ... Got as low as I ever have in the second part of awkward, with no pain in my busted left foot/ankle. ... Quads felt strong, and "pulled up" (as we used to say in ballet) in standing head to knee and standing bow. ... Felt a good kind of tingly-burny-energy in my left hip and sciatic during triangle. My hamstrings cramped, so they must actually exist, somewhere. ... I got my forehead to my knee in standing separate leg head to knee! ... Leo (the dog) likes to lick feet in wind-removing pose. Actually, during any pose. ... New way of doing half-tortoise seems to be working; keep the fulcrum back. ... Kept knees engaged and heels off the floor in the last stretching pose, and got elbow almost all the way down. It's so good to feel strong. ...

The last time I did a 30-day challenge was in August 2007. I didn't blog about it. I didn't write about it. I didn't really have a goal with it, other than to have stickers on every day of a little calendar. Looking back, I don't think it was about any kind of personal growth. I think I knew, subconsciously, that I was on the verge of a really difficult life transition, and going to the studio every day was a way to avoid dealing with my real life. (Also, working 10+ hour days is a good way to avoid real life.)

The first week of September 2007, I took my first trip out here. Eight months later, I was driving east on I-80 with a U-Haul trailer. I've never thought about it like this, but it would seem that that challenge was a gateway to this, this mostly amazing, mostly fulfilling life that I'm in the middle of now.

Of course, things often look better in the rear-view mirror, right? :D

I have high hopes/ambitious plans to take three Bikram classes (including one with no instruction, set to music, all of which I have mixed-to-negative feelings about, but it can't be "worse" than my home practice) in two studios, as well as climb rocks (or at least help the BF do that), this weekend. What about you guys? I hope it's warming up and drying out wherever you are, too. :) Have a fantastic weekend!

Quote

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"I would not exchange the laughter of my heart for the fortunes of the multitudes; nor would I be content with converting my tears, invited by my agonized self, into calm. It is my fervent hope that my whole life on this earth will ever be tears and laughter".
~Kahlil Gibran

Have been feeling so much better since writing that last post. I've always had the hardest time with calming my mind in savasana; the whole "acknowledge each thought and let it pass, as a cloud," kinda thing. It's just rarely worked for me. Well, I acknowledged many of my difficult thoughts in that last post, and they have passed... Just like those clouds.

Many thanks to everyone who commented. I was so surprised and humbled by the reflectiveness, honesty, and compassion that came though. :)

Peeling the onion

Last night I just about went crazy looking for a very important piece of paperwork. Who knew I needed a copy of my divorce decree to apply for a mortgage? I've only done each of these things once; I don't know what kind of paperwork you need to have on hand. The divorce was so basic and simple that it never occurred to me that I'd need documentation of a settlement — there wasn't one.

I was so, so, soooo frustrated in searching for this piece of paper (which, not coincidentally, arrived in the mail on my birthday in 2008) that at one point I was ready to scream! The file that I thought it was in, it wasn't. B and I searched high and low (he's a good sport) through stacks of bills and statements and various paperwork, but it was nowhere to be found. Somewhere, there are several boxes that I haven't opened since we moved 15 months ago, and I know that some of my favorite yoga clothes are in one. I'd bet that effing paper is in there, too.

At first, it seemed like the stress of homebuying was at the root of my frustration. Then, I thought it was the chaos and overwhelmed feeling I got from having so many papers in so many piles all over the apartment (oh, I have grand visions of organization at the new place, believe you me).

But really, the downright anguish I felt came from guilt and shame erupting, once again. Looking through the filing paperwork made me feel like the biggest asshole. It took me right back to May 2008 when I looked someone in the eye and told him for the last time, "It's not you, it's me," and meant it, and watched his whole world fall apart, again. I know with every piece of my being that it was the right decision. But knowing that doesn't make me feel like a good person. It just makes me feel callous and selfish...

At that time, yoga, day in and day out, was the only road to peace and solace I had. I don't know if I was simply drinking the Kool-Aid that Bikram teaches, that if you can stay calm and collected upside-down in a hot room, then you can stay calm and collected under any circumstances. Did the yoga help me become a cold, callous bitch? I don't think so, because in every other arena of my life (at the time) I was incredibly feeling... But where's the balance between strength and compassion? Nonharming nonviolence, anyone?

I don't know how to deal with feeling these, all over again. It feels like the several-month period when I'd go in the yoga room for class and once we hit the floor, I'd just cry, those huge, quaking, silent sobs. Eventually, the sobs passed.

How do I work through this guilt for good, when I thought I already had? Is it even possible to resolve it completely? When do I stop feeling like a shitty person whenever the D word comes up?

Ughhh. Somehow, writing this all out has calmed me. I've been avoiding the mat this week, afraid that the demons will creep out again. I don't want to scare anyone.