Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Day 13: Getting frustrated

First things first: No yoga last night. I'm now two classes down, again. My goal wasn't just to do 30 classes in 30 days (which I'm fairly optimistic I can still do). I'd wanted to do at least one class every day for at least 30 days. So: Grrrrrr.

The midback pain that I initially went to the chiropractor for seems to be resolving quite well. My spine feels straighter, and now that the initial insane muscle soreness has passed (despite Dr. E's continued efforts to leave me black and blue), my back-back is feeling pretty good. My lower back, on the other hand...

Dr. E has been working on moving my left hip around, trying to get it to want to become unstuck. Not forcing anything, but gradually opening things up in there.

My, how they are opening.

The shooting, stabbing pains in my sciatic area started a few hours after yesterday's appointment. The long-compacted SI joint seems like a creaky door that has been shut tightly for years, and is going to need some coaxing to stay open. That groan the door makes when you open it? I think my joint is making that noise. I took ibuprofen (Advil), then naproxen (Aleve) later on. Left a heating pad on it while sitting at my desk. Seemed to help.

Then I stood up and tried to walk, and the joint screamed at me. Two hours later, sitting at home, after more ibuprofen, I had an ice pack on the joint. The pain was so bad that I felt like I was going to vomit. So, no yoga last night either, causing me to be pretty frustrated.

Last night, I went upstairs to find feathers everywhere and two holes in my not-new-but-until-now-awesome down comforter. Lucy, the 7-month-old puppy, had a guilty look on her face.

She is cute, but she is sneaky.

It was the last straw for me. She had already chewed through the only decent pairs of shoes I had. (I'm not a shoe whore, but now I think I should be. It would have been nice to have backup shoes.) My car is falling apart. My computer is falling apart. Because of my weight gain since moving to NY, a lot of my clothes don't fit. I am flat broke, and I can't seem to catch up on basic things in life outside of utilities, train passes, and credit card payments (and believe me, I am incredibly grateful that I mostly have those under control, but this is my freakout). I'd wanted to visit San D in November, visit my friends and some family and my old beaches and Bikram teacher training, but I have no idea where money for airfare is going to come from. I'm not a materialistic person by any means, but is it so much to just ask for one thing, just one, to be in reasonably good shape? Normally, in the face of such destruction/dilapidation, I can say, "Well, at least I've got my health." Not this time.

That's right. I went from superkilling back pain to total freakout just like that. I spent the next 20 minutes or so wailing in the bathroom — didn't want to wake the BF — torturing myself with questions like, Is it (this nebulous "it") karma? Is it fibro, which I recently thought I'd been so good at appeasing, rearing its ugly head? Do I deserve this pain and this instability (inside and out, I guess) because of something I've done (or didn't do)? On and on and on it went, verging on self-pity but (I hope) not totally giving in. It's more frustration, I promise.

And then I remembered all the times that people have told me we store emotions in our bodies. So hopefully that is all this is. I'm a control freak about very few things, but I think maybe some of those tendencies are coming out, as maybe all of the bodywork I've been having has accelerated the process.

But it'd sure be nice to not be frustrated. And it'd be nice to be able to walk/sit/breathe without my nerves screaming at me.

Gahhh, this is quite the unfocused rant, but that's what blogs are for, right? If you've read this far, well, I apologize. At least you got to see my cute dogs. :)


  1. no need for apologies!

    ranting on your own blog is just as good as sweating out toxins in the hot room, i'd say.

    i hope you at least felt better after that good cry. Bikram will be there tomorrow or whenever you return :)

    cheers and a chocolate bar,

  2. During the first 30-day challenge I ever completed, I think I cried more than I had all that year. The yoga is probably churning up so much junk, physical and emotional. And, as I'm sure you know, better to confront all that junk and throw it away than try to bottle it up and deal with it later.

    I'm sending you hugs from Boston! (Although L's chocolate bar sounds pretty good, too...)

  3. Hugs from Stockholm as well!

    You are letting lots of things go, you are starting to dig deep into your back with your chiropractor and the yoga, and in the back there are lots of emotions.

  4. Thank you, all! You are too sweet. The chocolate bar is good, but hugs are also welcome. Funny how the support of strangers can mean so much, eh? Thank you, again.

  5. eh? oooh, are you a secret Canadian? i knew it!

    hugs, chocolate, universal health care...what more can a girl ask for?

    i'll post up a lumpia recipe so we can add that to the list, just for good measure. :)

  6. Aw, hugs to you, girl. You do deserve a trip to SD, and not just 'cause I live there. And good health is our birthright.

    Is the day-to-day pain in your back so bad that it warrants this kind of torture from the chiro? That sounds bad, sweetie. I hope this person is worth it.

    Oh, and don't we hate to love our pets sometimes..

  7. hey regarding the hip pain - I can't recommend enough complimenting bikram/chiro with this:
    Gary Kraftsow's yoga therapy for hips. During the challenge you may not have the bandwidth for this but it's completely healed my hips and back pain after consistent practice (3-6x a week) for about 8 weeks.


    I don't even go back to my chiro any more!!